Into the Depths: July 2006

Sunday, July 30, 2006

Sweet Sayings of A Seven Year Old

Ok, she is younger in this picture, but I wanted you to get the full picture of just how 'sweet' she is.

1) When my boredom woke her up around 4 this morning and I told her she needed to go back to sleep. "Why are you the only one that gets to stay up, you're cranky when you stay up too late." To which I replied, then don't wake me up in the morning. To which she again replied, "Well, actually you are cranky anyway if you don't get your nap on time." Awwww

2) While watching a commercial about a diet pill. "Stefie, you should get that, I'm not saying you're fat, but if you got that you could be as thin as me."

3) While 'measuring' me by placing a hand on my stomach and one on my back and sliding them away so she could see how wide I was. I said I was the same as the last time she did that, one day prior. "No, you got another inch."

I love her. ok, really I do, but I could deal with a little less honesty on her part.


Can't sleep so figured I would try to come up with something to blog about. It isn't really working. However, I will say that blogging is helping with my typing skills. I don't type much at work, just proposals. So, I am really fast at typing, but only those words that are included in each and every proposal. Not much of a point, but the point is, blogging is making me faster. I like to type fast, it makes me feel cool. So, to relieve my boredom and yours, I took pics of my nieces sleeping. They seem so sweet and dare I say, quiet, when they sleep. Ok, they are sweet even when awake, but so not quiet. I also uploaded a picture of one of my hibiscus blooms. They are so darn pretty and though I can take little credit, they make it look like I am a good little gardener. I am sad that they only last a day because they are beautiful flowers and often I miss them altogether and come outside and see that I have a dead bloom. :(

Friday, July 28, 2006

Number 11 And 12

Jolie Ellen
3:11 P.M.
4 lbs 15 oz

Sara Reese
3:13 P.M.
5 lbs 3 oz

Little cuties together!

Big Sis is too sweet!

Thursday, July 27, 2006


Quick FYI. We might get new babies today. Jennifer was sent back over to the hospital by her doctor this morning because she is dilated to a 3. (Not a clue what that really means but I know where it's leading.) Anyway, they are checking to see if she is actually in labor, and if so then they will go ahead and do a cesarean today. I'll let ya know, and if they are healthy enough, I will upload some pics.

She just called back. As soon as I can get there to watch the girls they are taking the babies out. So I will be an aunt eleven and twelve times over in about two hours. ;)

Monday, July 24, 2006


I am not a fan of old school country music, in fact, I typically make fun of people, like my brother-in-law, who listen to it. This song, however, is one of my favorites. I love the depth in the song and the pain you can feel emanating through his voice. Johnny Cash has a voice that seems to exude hurt. Strange as it sounds, I like that. I have been contemplating (imagine that) why it is that I so love sad things, be they songs, movies or books. You would think that as much as I hate pain that I would hate all things sad, but I don't. Here are the words, than I can continue rambling:

I hurt myself today
to see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
the only thing that's real
the needle tears a hole
the old familiar sting
try to kill it all away
but I remember everything
what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
and you could have it all
my empire of dirt

I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of thorns
upon my liar's chair
full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
beneath the stains of time
the feelings disappear
you are someone else
I am still right here

what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
and you could have it all
my empire of dirt

I will let you down
I will make you hurt

if I could start again
a million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

Take this song for example, I like that I can relate to it. I like that it could be me singing the song and it would still be completely real. I hurt myself to see if I still feel. I don't use needles, I prefer razor blades, but I get it. I focus on the chaos in my life because it is all I know, nothing else seems real, it is like a thick fog that I can't see through. I try to be numb, to pretend that everything is fine, but it only takes a word, a look, sometimes nothing at all to bring it all crashing back into my consciousness like a tidal wave. Everyone I know does not go away, just everyone that I have allowed myself to care about. I will let you down. I will make you hurt.
My favorite line is "full of broken thoughts that I can not repair." Not because there is hope in it, but because it is real and it is me. "If I could start again a million miles away, I would keep myself, I would find a way." If only.
I judge a movie's quality by whether or not it can make me cry. If it can't, I am not interested. I don't like sad endings, it has to end up ok, but there has to be real life in it for me to like it. My thought is that it is in these places that I find my sense of 'connectedness'. All-be-it a false sense thereof. Since I can't seem to connect in real life, I do so vicariously through a movie, a song, a book, a blog. I don't know if it makes me feel less alone, I am having trouble pinpointing exactly what it is. I guess maybe it is the only way that I have to remind myself that I am still here. I am not just an empty shell, though I often feel that way. Even though I see myself just existing rather than living, these moments give me a glimpse back into reality. That life is real, it is pain, it is suffering, it is feeling what you feel when you feel it. Someday I will learn to truly live that, hopefully. I guess the real hope in there is that by doing that, by feeling it when I feel it, then the bad won't be all there is. If the bad is felt rather than stuffed down and compacted, day after day after month after year, then maybe there will be room for good, too.
I heard a quote once. "You must be careful what you pretend to be because in the end, you are what you pretend to be." I hope it isn't true.

Sunday, July 23, 2006

Party Time

The 'Treasure Chest' birthday cake!

I was so stressed, this was my piece.

And this is how much I got eaten before the urge to puke set in.

The kids all did the bottle drinking contest. Funny stuff.

All I can say is I am sooo glad it is over. The kids had a blast and Jennifer got some great stuff for the babies, but I am still glad it is over. By the way, I have managed to have a little influence on the names. They are now going to be Jolee Ellen and Sarah Reese. Better than the original plan, anyway. I am tired and cranky so I guess that is all I have to say. Later

Friday, July 21, 2006

I have no title, just make up your own

Here we go, another lame attempt at a not depressing, or sad, or cynical, or just extremely screwy post. Sooooo, here is what I did today while I was 'working.' Paid bills.....ok that is a little depressing.....met crews at two different jobs, cooked in the blistering Texas sun, ordered a cake for a baby shower for twins, ordered a cake for a birthday party for four kids.....yes this is a run-on sentence. The kids cake is a treasure chest, so I had to run find candy for the top. When you are looking for candy necklaces, ring pops and chocolate gold coins, they are NOT easy to find. Six stores later I made due with what I could find. Picked up two checks for work, dropped back off the candy at the bakery, went to the mall to pick up my new glasses....yes, I am going blind......stopped off at Foleys (Macy's bought Foleys and is taking over so everything is clearanced right now) and got some cute baby stuff. Deposited the checks, drove back to the office to deliver deposit slips and then came home.
It was a long day, good news, tomorrow looks to be longer. I have to spend the morning doing the work I didn't get around to today. Then I get to drive to Grapevine for a swim meet. The cakes and balloons have to be picked up by 3 so I won't get to go to the mall....sad when you go to Grapevine and can't go to the mall. Anyway, I have to find birthday presents for the four birthday children. Blayne turned 9 last Sunday, Natalee was 5 on Monday, Casta turns 7 tomorrow and Mayson will be 4 on the 31st. If the new twins don't make it in utero another two weeks, we will have exactly 1/2 of my twelve nieces and nephews birthdays in July.
Moving right along, pick up the girls and get them in bed early. We have to go to the early church service Sunday because the baby shower starts at eleven. The birthday party is directly following the baby shower and we are going to the water park for the afternoon. I am going to need a vacation from my weekend after all this junk.
I am trying not to be sad here, seriously. However, A) If joy is a choice, how come pain and suffering can't be a choice? More importantly, B) It is extremely disconcerting to be babyless and shop for cribs. C) It is painful to plan birthday parties for other people's children because you have none of your own. And finally, D) I don't care what anyone says, alone sucks.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Girl, Interrupted

I am so tired. I have been a good little client, reading my book, writing in my retarded 'happy journal', getting at least seven hours of sleep. I even started walking four nights a week, just as instructed. Shouldn't I feel better. I know, probably not. Certainly shouldn't feel worse though. I don't really feel worse, I don't guess, I just feel like crap.

Why can't I be better. Why can't I grow up and get over it. Why can't I just move on and be normal. What is wrong with me. Why can't I fix me.
I think I feel defeated. I give up so quickly. Well, maybe I don't give up, but sometimes I long to. I ache to be free from this life as I know it.

"I know what it's like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in but you can't. You hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the pain on the inside..........When you don't want to feel, death can seem like a dream."

That is a quote from one of my all time favorite movies. I'd tell you all about it but you wouldn't like it anyway.

I feel overwhelmed, I feel like I need an outlet. You would think this would be one, but it's not. It's all still in my head, in my heart, a smothering weight on my chest. I need a fix, a remedy, a cure. I need something. I wish I could express, somehow, the desperation and frustration and fear, everything rising up within me, crying out for something....but I have no idea what. All I know are the temporary fixes I have always known. Which, while I will probably be in trouble for it, seem to be my only options.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

The Four Agreements that I don't really agree with much

I feel like writing, but I am not sure why or what I want to say. I am feeling more melancholy than usual today. Yes, it is possible. I feel like I want to go to sleep and not wake up for a while, you know, like a year or two. I just need a vacation, a hiatus from life. A reprieve, a break, a momentary glimpse of peace in the midst of unrelenting chaos.

I am reading a new book, homework again. It is called "The Four Agreements" and I am not really digging it much. I disagree with a lot of what it has to say, which is not abnormal. Because it is so normal, I have to really examine the 'whys' of my disagreement. Sometimes I disagree just because it doesn't fit in my box, it is somehow contrary to what I believe at that moment. I think, however, that my confusion on the points of the book thus far really are justifiable. I would tell you all about it but the book is upstairs and I am too lazy to go get it. Ok, Ok, I will go get it, hang on.

Alright the premise is that if you make these four agreements with yourself it can change your life, yada yada yada. They are:
1) Be impeccable with your word.
2) Don't take anything personally.
3) Don't make assumptions.
4) Always do your best.
I think they are all good policies to live by, for sure. However, it is in the descriptions of what they mean and the instructions for how, that it starts getting a little iffy. First off, 'be impeccable with your word.' Good idea, I get it. The word impeccable actually means 'without sin', but this book is by no means Christian. It says that sin is anything you do which goes against yourself. Well seems to me like in Christian terms that is a license to sin, the whole 'if it feels good do it' type mentality. It does go on to say that being impeccable means you still take responsibility for your actions, you just don't blame or judge yourself?? Who do you blame then? It says that the truth is the most important part of being impeccable with your word. The only way to break the 'spell' of the things we say that are not impeccable is to replace it with truth. Well, if you take God out of the equation here, where is this new truth coming from? What I know is my truth, without an absolute Truth to make it false, my truth is truth.
I know I am rambling, but I don't care all that much.
Secondly, don't take anything personally. I have trouble here already, because I take EVERYTHING personally. I know that isn't necessarily healthy though, so I read on. The book says that anything someone says to you is really about them, not about you. So, whether someone tells you you are wonderful or they tell you that you are stupid, don't take it personally because it is about them and what is in their hearts, worlds, whatever. Well, my issue with that is, how are you ever connected to anyone. If nothing anyone ever says to you can be taken personally, don't you essentially become an island. If you say 'I love you' to someone, are they really not to take it personally. Doesn't that mean no one loves anyone? I am even confusing myself now.
Next, don't make assumptions. I like this in that I do believe life would be far less complicated if no one ever assumed anything. Problem is, it is impossible. We assume all day, everyday. Can you imagine how many questions you would have to ask if you were NEVER allowed to assume anything?

Well, that is as far as I have gotten so far, so I can't argue with always do your best yet. I 'assume' there won't be all that much to argue about with that one. Am I way off base though? Am I just reading way too much into this book. I feel like I am being rational, but with me, you just never know.
Think I'll go to sleep.

Sunday, July 16, 2006

Sick Cycle Carousel

This is my new favorite song, it is by Lifehouse.

If shame had a face I think it would kind of look like mine
If it had a home would it be my eyes
Would you believe me if I said I am tired of this
Well here we go one more time

I tried to climb your steps
I tried to chase you down
I tried to see how low I could get down to the ground
I tried to earn my way
I tried to change this mind
You better believe that I tried to beat this

So when will this end
It goes on and on
And over and over and over again
Keep spinning around I know that it wont stop
Till I step down from this for good

I never thought Id end up here
I never thought Id be standing where I am
I guess I kind of thought it would be easier than this
I guess I was wrong now one more time
Cause I tried to climb your steps
I tried to chase you down
I tried to see how low I could get down to the ground
I tried to earn my way
I tried to change this mind
You better believe that I tried to beat this,

So when will this end
It goes on and on
And over and over and over again
Keep spinning around I know that it wont stop
Till I step down from this

Sick cycle carousel, this is a sick cycle, yeah
Sick cycle carousel
This is a sick cycle yeah

So when will this end
It goes on and on
And over and over and over again
Keep spinning around I know that it wont stop
Till I step down from this for good
When will this end
It goes on and on
And over and over and over again
Keep spinning around I know that it wont stop
Till I step down from this for good

Sick cycle carousel
Sick cycle carousel
Sick cycle carousel
Sick cycle carousel
Sick cycle carousel
Sick cycle carousel
Sick cycle carousel


I don't know what to write. Where do I start? What do I tell you? That you sucked, that sometimes I think I hate you. That when you say you love me it makes my skin crawl. I don't know. Maybe it's all in my head. Maybe it wasn't as bad as I think. Maybe you did love me. Maybe not. I know that you do love me, in so much as you know how. But I don't FEEL like you love me. I feel as though I could never be good enough for you. Nothing I did was right, and you so enjoyed making sure I knew that I was wrong.
You taught me that I am a failure, that I am worthless, that I don't matter and that I was, in essence, a mistake. You say that we were 'close' or rather that I was an affectionate child until I was five. My question that I find myself wondering is how, as a mother, do you see such a change in your five year old daughter and not wonder if something might be wrong. Perhaps even try to do something about it. Denial is your gift, though.
I hate that I couldn't make you love me. I hate that you were critical of everything I did. I hate that you didn't protect me. I hate that you didn't trust me. I hate that you didn't support me. I hate that you couldn't understand me. I hate that I didn't have a mother. I had a mean, critical, fake woman who lived in the same house as I did. You were selfish and you were lazy and I hope that I am nothing like you.
When I think of the character of God, even though it is the opposite of what I know to be true, I see Him as an evil judge eagerly awaiting His next opportunity to exact His judgment on me. I blame you for that. You taught me that I was dirty and shameful and that no matter how hard I tried I couldn't change that about myself. I wanted to be good enough for you and for God, but I couldn't fix the evil inside me.
I realize that now, as an adult, it is probably my fault that we don't have a relationship. There are a couple of reasons why I think that is. First, I don't trust you. You enjoy causing dissension and gain satisfaction through hurting me. Second, I don't think you deserve to know me or love me. I realize that is selfish, so call me selfish. I feel like you had my entire childhood to know and love me and you didn't want to. Why should I give you that chance now. I think I am supposed to say I forgive you, but I don't, so why lie.


This sounds so stupid as I read it back. What a whiner I am. But that is what came out once I started. Maybe I should just 'grow up and get over it,' as my mother said. That was her response when I attempted suicide, anyway, so I guess her response to this would be close. Maybe I should start over, rewrite it, be more specific, I don't know.

Saturday, July 15, 2006

Quotes I Dig

I am watching a movie, not a great movie, but a movie just the same. They keep saying things that I like, so I decided I should blog them. ;-)

First off:
"Epistolary Relationship".....That is what I share with each of you, in so much as a blog can be considered a letter. That is what it means, by the way, a relationship carried out through letters.

"Emotionally Celibate".... Hopefully you don't need a definition for that, but it is me most of the time. From time to time emotion tries to seep out and I push it back down with whatever fix I can come up with at the time. Not because it is better but because it feels safer. Not because it makes for a happier life but because it makes for a more comfortable one....all-be-it a somewhat morbid sort of comfort.

And my very favorite movie quote of all times, from a completely different movie, by the way: "What if this is as good as it gets?"....wouldn't that suck.

Friday, July 14, 2006

Trust vs Distrust

I dream of trusting God like this. It is just a dream today, but perhaps someday I will awaken to the reality of it. I can not imagine speaking at my child's funeral, especially considering how he died. I can't fathom not being extremely angry at myself, at God, knowing me, at the whole world. How incredible a faith must be to stand through this tragedy. This just happened last Sunday, I heard about it on Paulette's blog. Keep this family in your prayers, what questions those children must be consumed with. I simply can not understand how any human can come through such an event and still be standing, much less worshipping a loving God.

I finally wrote my letter, but I wasn't man enough to read it. She made sure to tell me that I didn't 'fail' by not reading it. (she made sure I knew I would have to read it next time) I guess it doesn't take long for someone to figure out my hatred of failure and to know that that is exactly what I would see. My failure, my weakness, my fear. What a wimp. Oh well, now I have three weeks to work myself up to reading it, of course, by then I will probably have completely rewritten it. I may post the one I already wrote, as is obvious I tend to be far more open in the written world than I am in the spoken. Also, I guess, I don't feel risk here like I would face to face with someone. If someone here rejects me, I can just delete them. ;)

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Delaying the Inevitable

Two days and counting. The good news, however, is I now have an adorable little reading corner in the playroom. My hope is that all my nieces and nephews will develop a passion for reading like mine. I think, for me, reading was a way of escaping the reality I knew back when I was a child. While the kids don't have quite as much to escape from, I do hope they learn to lose themselves in a good story. Nothing compares. I really am going to start my letter tonight.......maybe. Perhaps I should scrub the floors with a toothbrush, they need a good cleaning, or maybe deck the attic, or start that novel that I did not, until just now, plan to write.....I am sure there is something important that needs doing.
If I didn't have such a stong hatred of disappointing others, I would just magically forget!

Monday, July 10, 2006

How To Be Productive

I have discovered the secret to conquering my lack of productivity. Find something I REALLY don't want to do, and realize how many, many things I can find to do instead of the one thing I am supposed to be doing. I am procrastinating writing the extremely dreaded 'Letter to mom.' So, I got home from work around five today. It is now almost eleven. I have done laundry, mowed the lawn, pruned my garden, watered the lawn, painted shelves and picture frames for my room and the playroom and hung baskets for toys, and filled them, in the playroom. How is that for a productive evening. Granted, I now only have three nights left to write the freakin' letter, but at least my house is looking better. ;-)

Saturday, July 08, 2006


Did I yet mention that I love fireworks. My video is really short and really shaky, but you know you want to see them. Click the picture and you can watch the very beginning of my professional movie producing career. Keep in mind it is also my last.

Friday, July 07, 2006


Still no babies! They were finally able to stop her labor and let her go home today. There is some test where they can actually tell how likely she is to go into labor in the next two weeks. Who knew.

I have three kiddos with me this weekend. I thought I should give my sister a little break, so I took one of hers along with the girls. Not much of a break since she still has four, but what are ya gonna do.

I had my second appointment with the therapist today. I am not sure I could be more uncomfortable for an entire hour in any other situation. Talking is such a beating for me. My homework this week, along with the 'happy journal' as I so lovingly refer to it, is to write a letter to my mother. Not fun in and of itself, but even worse, she expects me to read it to her next week. YIKES! I so can not read aloud the things that I write. I want to puke at the thought of it. I think she knew how freaked out I was because she actually kept talking about nothing, past our hour, to calm me down before I left. I am feeling like having a heart attack. Not looking forward to it. I will probably not write as real as I would have knowing that already, too. She probably shouldn't have warned me. She told me we would do the letter first next week so she would have the rest of the hour to "put me back together." How comforting! She tried to get me to read some of my journal entries today, but I just couldn't do it. Next time, she said. Yeah, we'll see.

I am not sure why it is so hard for me to read what I have written. I think it just makes me feel so exposed. It is like when I am talking to her I absolutely can not look at her. It is as though I am afraid that if she looks me in the eye as I talk about my story, she will see straight into the ugly depths and go running for cover. Stupid perhaps, but how I feel none-the-less. I am exhausted, so I am off to bed.

Thursday, July 06, 2006

Baby Saga Continued

Well, the hospital in Austin didn't call back so they tried Parkland next, all full. Third choice, Baylor U.M.C. They said send her on, so she was flown to Dallas via careflight around 1 a.m. I drove to the hospital so she wouldn't be alone until her husband made the two hour drive. Well, they were running slow, I was there for an hour before the helicopter arrived. Anyway, they are still working on slowing down the labor. At this point I think delivery is going to happen whether we like it or not, they are just trying to make it as slow a process as possible. The babies are doing fine and are where they should be size-wise for 32 weeks gestation. It is just a waiting game now. I got home around 4:30 A.M. and am now at work. Needless to say I am tired and cranky. I will keep you all updated as word comes in.

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Medical Chaos

My mother went for blood work today. Her white count is too low. She is at a .9 and must be at a 1.5 before she can get her next chemo treatment. She goes back to work half days tomorrow. As all her hair is falling out, and the doctors are not thrilled with her blood counts, she is a little stressed. She was able to go and get a wig after the doctors appointment which I think brightened her spirits a little. Now the biggest concern is being sure that she is nowhere near anyone sick as infection as simple as a cold could have the potential for fatality with her weakened immune system. We'll see, I guess.
I went back to work after the four day weekend today. Around noon I got the call that my sister had gone into preterm labor with the twins. She is at about 32 weeks and 3 days right now. So, not so sadly, I left work and drove down to Waco. She had gone for a regular OB appointment and they sent her directly to the hospital, so she was stuck on a bed hooked up to wires while my 4 and 6 year old nieces ran around the room. Luckily the army is family conscious so my brother in law was off work and there by the time I arrived. I took the girls to eat and they were sound asleep within five minutes of being back in the truck. I got the call that she wasn't slowing down fast enough, so they are keeping her overnight to make sure labor stops...hoping anyway. I went to Valley Mills and got the girls some clothes then took them to Rio and left them with another sister.(the one with five kids :-} )
That sister, the one who now is having fun with seven kids, has to drive my mother the hour trip to work in the morning, then find something to occupy said kids for four hours, then drive my mother back home. See, sometimes it is good to have to go to an 8-5 job. I am not envying her morning at all.
So, we are hoping my mothers blood counts go up and that she is exposed to no illnesses in the meantime. That way she can get her next chemo treatment so her blood counts can drop again. Viscous circle. We are also hoping that Jennifer's labor is stopped. Since they are having the girls in a Waco hospital with no NICU and there are no children's hospitals in Waco, if anything is serious the girls will have to be flown to Cooke's in Ft. Worth. Being 8 weeks early, that would almost be guaranteed. It won't be too bad once Jennifer is released, but those first couple of days when she is an hour and half away from her newborns could be ugly.
Anyway, that is all I know for now. I have to go put myself in bed so that maybe, probably not but maybe, I can get up on time for work tomorrow.

Well, tiny update. Just got off the phone. They are transporting Jennifer to a hospital in Austin equipped for preemies as they can not stop her labor. Did I mention Austin was another two hours in the opposite direction. Pray that they are safe and that we all figure out a way to juggle work, seeing sister and babies, taking care of sister's kids, and a three and a half hour drive each way to do all of that.

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

Soggy Fireworks

Ok, since you guys weren't impressed enough with my kickin' fireworks pictures, I thought I would try again with tonight's sunset. Like it or suffer the consequences. You have to admit that minus the cars and telephone poles, it was pretty. Whomever invented the camera phone was a smart cookie.
Sadly, we were rained out at the fireworks display about half way through. I was crushed because, of course, the finale is my favorite part. Now I have to go to Cleburne tomorrow night in order to fill my 4th of July firework quota. Oh well. If I wasn't staying out too late watching fireworks, I would just be blogging too late at home. Six of one half a dozen of another.
Church update: I visited a new church yesterday. I have learned recently that I use my nieces and nephews sometimes as a social buffer. I feel like if they are with me than I don't have to worry about small talk or personal questions. I don't have to feel completely awkward by myself and people who come up to talk want to know about the kids instead of me. Very handy. So, since my nieces were here, we went to a new church. They loved the children's ministry, but it doesn't take much to impress them. Give them a donut and an art project or a song to sing and they are happy girls. I haven't even formed an opinion yet. I'll get back to you on that.
Another thing I have learned through recent self contemplation is why it has been so easy for me just to quit the church going routine that was so ingrained in me. I wondered, since I went to church every time the doors were open as a teenager, and even as a young adult, how it was so easy for me just to stop. Well, thinking about camp and how I so never wanted to come home, got me to thinking why that was. I think, back then, church was an escape for me. It was an opportunity to not have to be in the middle of the chaos that was my home. So, I used that escape every single chance I got. When I moved away from my parents house, it was still a habit for me. Then one day I was like "why the hell do I still go to church when it gets me nowhere." I don't know God better, I don't love Him more, I don't live a Christian life, I don't serve in the church, anymore, so why keep going. I didn't need it as an escape any longer, so it was easy to see the emptiness of my repetition.
Anyway, not sure where I was going with that. Have a Happy 4th, everyone. I hope your fireworks intrigue you as they do me.

Sunday, July 02, 2006

I'm Not A Pyro, I Just Like Fireworks!!

I LOVE fireworks. I mean seriously adore them. I go to Rangers games for them. I go see them for New Years. Typically I find as many chances as possible to see them for July 4th. I am sad to report that I missed Celebrate Freedom this year. It is the first year in ten that I haven't gone, but I just didn't have the energy to do it this year. I am, however, going to take Casta and Natalee to see fireworks tonight in Grand Prairie and then again in Addison tomorrow night. I have to skip out on Tuesday because I have to go to work Wednesday morning and don't want to be out late. Though, I think I will probably be able to see Ft. Worth's display from my trampoline out back. And, just to make the festivities last a little longer, a town near here is not having it's fireworks until Saturday, so I will get a few more!
My pictures from last year rock, don't you think. I would like to take complete credit, but alas, I can't.
My nephew Brendon, the one with autism, was sitting next to me at Lonestar Park last year as we watched the display. I was snapping away with my camera phone. He looks at me and says, "Hey, why don't you put these in front of the lens." They had handed out 3-D glasses for everyone to watch the fireworks. That is one smart little ten year old if you ask me.

Saturday, July 01, 2006

Prozac Nation

I am watching a movie called Prozac Nation. I have already read the book, but had never seen the movie. The main character, Lizzie, begins therapy and tells her therapist she just wants to be normal. As is customary, the therapist asks what normal would be to her. Lizzie responds by saying something that, to me, was somewhat profound. She said "normal people cut themselves and they put a band aid on it and move on. I just keep bleeding."
That is me. I just keep bleeding and the blood never clots. I still bleed from the wounds inflicted 25 years ago, ten years ago, last year, last night. I never move on, I just compound fractures. Why is it that some people move through life with such grace? Not that they don't suffer. Everyone hurts. I am a firm believer in the fact that all people experience pain, heartache, sadness, brokenness and trauma in their lives. How is it that some people live through it, they put on the neosporin, slap on a band aid and they are good to go. While I am just stuck in the middle of it. I see the blood, know where it came from, but I just keep watching it pour out and spill over into every single area of my life.
I thought of a good word picture the other day driving down the road, I was still thinking on the trust issue. Wounds are like the tiny little cracks you get in your windshield when a pebble flies up from the tire of the truck in front of you. Of course sometimes the wounds are more like boulders, but work with me. Anyway, if you fix the crack right then, it's ok, you might have a tiny little reminder, but not a big problem where visibility is concerned. If, however, you never address the crack, it grows and spreads out. Eventually, the windshield becomes engulfed like a web of crushed glass making every single thing you see through it completely distorted. Ok, it sounded better in my head?
Why is it, if God so longs for me to know and love Him, that He makes it so incredibly difficult.