Girl, Interrupted
I am so tired. I have been a good little client, reading my book, writing in my retarded 'happy journal', getting at least seven hours of sleep. I even started walking four nights a week, just as instructed. Shouldn't I feel better. I know, probably not. Certainly shouldn't feel worse though. I don't really feel worse, I don't guess, I just feel like crap.
Why can't I be better. Why can't I grow up and get over it. Why can't I just move on and be normal. What is wrong with me. Why can't I fix me. I think I feel defeated. I give up so quickly. Well, maybe I don't give up, but sometimes I long to. I ache to be free from this life as I know it.
"I know what it's like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in but you can't. You hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the pain on the inside..........When you don't want to feel, death can seem like a dream."
That is a quote from one of my all time favorite movies. I'd tell you all about it but you wouldn't like it anyway.
I feel overwhelmed, I feel like I need an outlet. You would think this would be one, but it's not. It's all still in my head, in my heart, a smothering weight on my chest. I need a fix, a remedy, a cure. I need something. I wish I could express, somehow, the desperation and frustration and fear, everything rising up within me, crying out for something....but I have no idea what. All I know are the temporary fixes I have always known. Which, while I will probably be in trouble for it, seem to be my only options.
Why can't I be better. Why can't I grow up and get over it. Why can't I just move on and be normal. What is wrong with me. Why can't I fix me. I think I feel defeated. I give up so quickly. Well, maybe I don't give up, but sometimes I long to. I ache to be free from this life as I know it.
"I know what it's like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in but you can't. You hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the pain on the inside..........When you don't want to feel, death can seem like a dream."
That is a quote from one of my all time favorite movies. I'd tell you all about it but you wouldn't like it anyway.
I feel overwhelmed, I feel like I need an outlet. You would think this would be one, but it's not. It's all still in my head, in my heart, a smothering weight on my chest. I need a fix, a remedy, a cure. I need something. I wish I could express, somehow, the desperation and frustration and fear, everything rising up within me, crying out for something....but I have no idea what. All I know are the temporary fixes I have always known. Which, while I will probably be in trouble for it, seem to be my only options.
posted by Bttrfly1976 at 10:00 PM
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6 Comments:
Stephanie,
Sorry...it has been ages. I got down for a little while, but I'm back. God is faithful. Even when I'm screaming into His face that I hate the life He gave me...He is faithful. (BTW, I'm not advocating talking to the Lord like that...He is, after all, God and deserves a modicum of respect)
I can't really go into all the details Stephanie, but I know where you're coming from. I read the letter you wrote and I say "Bravo!" That took a lot of guts. But let me reiterate to you...forgiving your mother or whoever isn't the same as restoring the relationship. Forgiveness is for you. It releases the hold your mother still has on you. Just because you forgive her doesn't mean she gets off scot-free. Trust me, whether she knows it or not, she's paying the consequences.
Don't settle for a "fix." You are worth more than that. Don't settle for anything less than complete healing of your heart and soul. It's hard work. It's not fair that you have to go through this, but there it is. Do the work sweetie. Eventually you will be free of your past.
Love to you girl.
Wow Shayne beautifully put, Stephanie there is no quick fix. All you have is today, just see what you can do with today, dont look at yesterday and dont think about tomorrow, do what you can do today to be ok.
Therapy in the first place isnt a quick fix. it is a long process. I have learned to take baby steps because it is all about today.
You are doing the process I am proud of you. Remember it gets a little worse before the healing comes, everything is stirred up.
I wish there WAS a quick fix. I love what the previous comments said about it being a process. We all get down when it doesn't seem to happen or happen quick. Don't give up.
Isn't it great that you can write about what you are feeling and we can all encourage you? I've been were you are now and it does work out, it's hard to see it, but trust that it does. Joy is a decision...that I am sure of...I have to choose joy a lot of times in my life. Keep up the good work, at least you are on the right track.
Thank you all for your encouragement. Shayne, I am glad your back. Paulette and LL, there are quick fixes, they just don't last very long. ;{ Theresa, yes,it is astounding to spew out my life and have people not only read it, repetitively, but actually care.
As always, when I come to your blog, I breathe a prayer for you. You enter my thoughts often and even though we don't know each other, I pray for you when you come to mind.
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