Updates

Still no babies! They were finally able to stop her labor and let her go home today. There is some test where they can actually tell how likely she is to go into labor in the next two weeks. Who knew.

I have three kiddos with me this weekend. I thought I should give my sister a little break, so I took one of hers along with the girls. Not much of a break since she still has four, but what are ya gonna do.

I had my second appointment with the therapist today. I am not sure I could be more uncomfortable for an entire hour in any other situation. Talking is such a beating for me. My homework this week, along with the 'happy journal' as I so lovingly refer to it, is to write a letter to my mother. Not fun in and of itself, but even worse, she expects me to read it to her next week. YIKES! I so can not read aloud the things that I write. I want to puke at the thought of it. I think she knew how freaked out I was because she actually kept talking about nothing, past our hour, to calm me down before I left. I am feeling like having a heart attack. Not looking forward to it. I will probably not write as real as I would have knowing that already, too. She probably shouldn't have warned me. She told me we would do the letter first next week so she would have the rest of the hour to "put me back together." How comforting! She tried to get me to read some of my journal entries today, but I just couldn't do it. Next time, she said. Yeah, we'll see.

I am not sure why it is so hard for me to read what I have written. I think it just makes me feel so exposed. It is like when I am talking to her I absolutely can not look at her. It is as though I am afraid that if she looks me in the eye as I talk about my story, she will see straight into the ugly depths and go running for cover. Stupid perhaps, but how I feel none-the-less. I am exhausted, so I am off to bed.