Trust or Not So Much

I had another good question asked of me today. I began to answer it in comments, but realized rather quickly that it was going to be a long one. Here is the question that Shayne
asked:
"I have read your posts for the past week though and I'm wondering...why exactly is it that you don't believe God? Do you know? If you sat down and really concentrated on it, could you pinpoint the reason you're afraid to trust Him?"


To me this was a huge question. I drive all day for work, so I have a ton of time for contemplation, well, when I am not on the phone, anyway. Today, one of our crews hit a gas line. As you might imagine, that is taken pretty seriously. So, I had two hours of sitting in front of a house watching gas spew...the vapors anyway...while waiting for the repair crew to get there. I got out my notepad and just started writing my answer. Three pages later, the repairman showed up and I was able to go about my day. So, I will type all of that and see where I end up from there.

Firstly, the foundation upon which my knowledge of God was built had nothing to do with the love and faithfulness of God. I was raised knowing that God was holy and I was worthless. "God only helps those who help themselves", "How could you do that to God", "If you aren't good than you are a disappointment to God", and "If you don't forgive others, God will not forgive you." These were sayings that were drilled into me and I learned quickly that I would never, ever be good enough for this demanding God. Grace was and is a foreign concept to me. Keep in mind that mine was not a Christian home. We went to church sometimes, in fact, I would cry on the Sundays that my mother wouldn't take us. I remember when I was six and wanted to make my first communion. The priest gave me a quiz to see if I knew enough about the Bible to make the decision to love God. He asked me "How many animals did Moses take on the ark." My answer of course was two of every kind, which I am sure you know, was wrong. So since it was stinkin' Noah on the ark, I wasn't allowed to make any God-based decisions yet. As silly as it sounds, that made a huge impact on my view of God. Since to a young Catholic girl the priest is very much a picture of God, I began believing then that God was confusing and enjoyed playing tricks on me. However, at home, God was someone far off in the distance that you pissed off anytime you didn't do what mom told you to. It didn't matter what she or my father did, that wasn't the point. God didn't care if my parents were bad, only if I was. When I left the Catholic church at age 13, without any other member of my family, I was told that I was going to hell, in those exact words, and my aunt made sure I knew that she could no longer be my Godmother.
My point here is this, by the time I was of an age that I could have made the decision to decide if God were trustworthy, the foundation had already been laid. While a weak foundation in Christ seems to be like shifting sand, the foundation laid on the false beliefs that are my childhood, seem to be set in stone. I saw God as a condemning, angry, vengeful Being who couldn't wait to exact His judgment on me, so He didn't. He began punishing me the day I was born and hasn't stopped for a respite yet.
Secondly, any trust I had, was destroyed long before I even knew what trust was. As is standard in the circumstance of any blatant abuse, my trust was crushed. Beyond that, however, were just the basic needs necessary for any child to find security that simply couldn't be met in my home. Financially we were at the very low end of the barrel. I remember a time when we would rent a motel room for an hour once a week so that all eight of us could take a shower as we had no water at home. We weren't allowed to touch anything or sit on the bed because they would charge my dad more money if anything were disheveled when we left. I lived in 9 different houses by the time I went to high school. We would get so behind on rent that we would be evicted and have to move again. We often went to school with no lunch and I would lie and say I wasn't hungry when asked because I was too embarrassed to tell anyone the truth. I remember one specific occasion where my dad only had five dollars left. He decided he needed a pack of cigarettes so we all went to school with out lunch once again. When I was in the eighth grade our electricity was once again shut off. A year and a half later, someone anonymously paid the bill so it could be reconnected. That was our longest outage but there were many more for weeks and months at a time.
Emotionally speaking...........well, we didn't. The only emotion allowed was anger. I remember being sent to the cellar "if I wanted to be a baby and cry." I was four. Crying equaled weakness. There was always someone screaming and shouting in my house. ALWAYS. This is why today I am horrified at the thought of confrontation and often avoid it to my own detriment. Affection was nonexistent in my house. I do not remember ever, ever hugging my dad, that remains true to this day. My mother tells me that I was affectionate with her until I was five but I do not remember that. My question is, why, as a mother, when your five year old suddenly becomes unaffectionate, do you not realize that something is wrong......but I digress. I have already mentioned how needs were met....or not....in the spiritual realm. Here is where I believe this adds to my inability to trust. If a child can not depend on anyone to meet their needs, be they physical, emotional, psychological or spiritual, she has very little choice. I personally decided, though probably not consciously, that I would have to meet my own needs. For those that I could not even meet on a temporal level, I simply learned to deny there existence.

I suppose my answer really is as simple as experience. There isn't one moment to pinpoint it down to, it is the compilation of my life that lead me to the belief, or lack there of. I could have probably saved you the trip down memory lane and simply said that I have no reason to believe that He is in fact trustworthy. As I have said, I know He is, because He says He is and He is perfect and can not lie. However, in my life, I see no evidence, which I suppose just reiterates my lack of faith. Being that 'faith is the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things NOT seen.' If I could form my beliefs based on the opposite of most events in my life than I would probably be a very trusting person. I have 'accepted' Christ as my Savior more times than I can count. The time I choose to tell everyone was the one that saved me happened when I was eighteen. That was the last time I asked Him. I figured that if it didn't work that time, then it never would, so why keep trying. I still don't know if it worked, probably won't ever know. I know that a life change never took place because I could never really trust Him. So I guess that is the question. Is asking enough? If I can't trust that He forgives me, if I can't trust that He loves me, can I truly say that He saved me? Only He knows, I guess. I have really rambled this time.