Proud of the Pride

Brayton's team has had a rough season. We lost all three games in the opening tournament, and we've gone 1-7 in league play. For those of you who don't know baseball, that isn't good. Basically, we'd won 1 game out of 11 and that was a month and a half ago.

So needless to say that our first win on Saturday was a high. Our second game we played a team that is actually in our own league who had already beat us twice.....we tied 4-4.

Going into Sunday we all hoped for the best but didn't necessarily expect it. We were barely awake in the first game and only pulled out a win by bringing in two runs in the very last inning to put us up 7-6. It was scary.

Game number two; the team from our league that we tied the day before. Our boys were on fire! We whooped them 16-6. Then we headed into the 'ship.' I don't know if it was something in their lunch that woke those boys up or what but they were not going home with anything less than first place. We beat that team 13-5 and became the tournament champions...and took our record to 5-1-10. It was awesome!!

I'm hoarse...which makes answering the phone today at work a bit of a challenge. And I am so sunburned that I already have actual blisters on my shoulder.

But it was all worth it.

Way to go Brayton, you rock!

The Oddity of Grief

Have I ever mentioned that I'm odd?

I figured so.

I have been reading a lot of blogs recently that I sometimes wonder why I read. Blogs by women who have lost children either at or shortly following their births. Most of them are older stories, but one was just this week. The depth of this woman's faith astounds me. I spent so much of my life overwhelmed by my own ignorant anger at God. I can't imagine, four days after saying goodbye to my child, thanking the Father for His blessings of time with her. I can imagine it now, years later, but right there in the depths of grief....

As I sit at my desk at work, an hour and a half after I should've gone home, to my empty house, I am crying uncontrollably as I grieve the losses shared with so many women. It's been ages for me, you'd think I'd be done mourning. October 4, 1996 and March 18, 2000. I feel I have to cling to those dates because it really is all I have to remember of my two precious babies. And yet, I still feel, when reading those blogs, that I shouldn't be so sad. My story's so different. I didn't carry either child to term. I never saw their bodies, their faces, smelled their hair. They were with me such a short time.

Probably that stems from guilt I refuse to let go of. That the first of my children was sent to Heaven by my own hand.

And I know better. I know that my bad decision doesn't negate my grief. I know that the loss of my second child wasn't punishment for the first. I know that my Father has forgiven me. Yet I weep. I weep for what could have been.

I weep for the women who know my pain. Who know my pain on what is probably a far grander scale. They held their precious babies in their arms. Then had to say goodbye. I so wish I could lessen their pain.

My life is full of children, literally full. And yet my arms are empty. Never has my chest known the feeling of the infants whose heads should've laid there. My eyes never beheld tiny versions of myself. My ears never heard the sounds of their 'belly laughs' or shrieks of pain from a skinned knee. And my heart aches at the absence of it all. At the emptiness.

I don't know that the longing will ever go away. It seems unnatural to me to be a 32 year old woman with no living children. Since a young girl I couldn't wait to be a mother.

Questions no one can answer. So whilst I know the Lord has a plan, and I know for a fact and believe that with all that I am that His will for me is so much better than anything I could dream up for myself, still, tonight, I weep.

Baseball is Back with a Vengeance!!!

This was directly following the Roaring Rapids ;)

I am ecstatic to say that baseball season is back in full swing. We had the opening day parade last Saturday and have already had two games since and a third tonight!! I love it. :)

I took Blayne and the older twins to Six Flags last Sat after Mayson's ball game. Thursday was the twins sixth birthday so I took them for their first adventure at Six Flags and they were champs. Even rode a big roller coaster. Well it is the smallest of the big ones, but the only one they are tall enough for!! We had a blast.

I have missed church a ton lately first because of my back and now because of baseball tournaments and the like. It is very strange to me because I don't really want to go. I really don't feel at odds with God, a little distant perhaps, but not even wholly disconnected. It is a new feeling for me. I don't really know how to explain it, maybe I will ponder it some more before trying to let you in on it.

Anyway, my niece has just called to let me know how she is doing on Guitar Hero, so I guess I better run.

Birthday with the Stars

My boss gave me tickets to the Dallas Stars for my birthday and let me tell ya, it was a blast! He has given me tickets before but not seats like these! There is something about hockey that just gets my adrenaline pumping. I think it's men slamming the crud out of each other at every possible opportunity. Though I would never condone fighting :-) there were a couple of jaw dropping punch fests. To top it all off, we won! Two of my sisters and my friend Michelle all went with me and we really did have a great time.

Outside the AA center there is a plaza called Victory Park and that is where our local ABC station does their news cast. This picture is the girls standing in front of their studios. Mike Modano was going to be there for the sports special but sadly we had to get home since it was a work/school night. We're old, what can I say.

My brother-in-law watched his five and Rachael's one last night and this is what the girls found when they got home.

Yes, that is all four of the boys sharing a twin size bed. I guess the twins opted for their own bed, very wise!

Baseball Woes And Other Such Things

Blaise Pascal

"Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it from a religious conviction."

How do you like that? Well I don't like it but I think it's mostly true. Perhaps it isn't always done as cheerfully as the quote presumes but it's done just the same.

Anyway, on to lighter subjects. We lost our first tournament of the season. :-( And Blayne is definitely not the 'star' of the team this year. This is a whole new ballgame for us. Definitely not like the rec ball he's used to playing. I am hoping he will improve as the season progresses but that may be hard since they just keep switching he and another boy at right field. I think that is pretty frustrating for him. He has always played pitcher, first base and catcher. Being the bench warmer is a little hard to swallow. If nothing else perhaps he will learn a little humility this season. My hope is that it doesn't provide too much discouragement but instead makes him a more skilled, less boastful player. We'll see.

He has a good friend who lives across the street from him whose sixteen year old sister was killed by a drunk driver last Saturday night. Her name was Kindel. You might keep the Smith family in your prayers as they are understandably devastated right now. I can't even fathom the pain they are enduring. They are an unchurched family and whether they know Jesus at all I am not sure. This crisis would be near impossible to go through with Christ's help, I can't imagine trying to do so without Him. Anyway, pray for them, please.

Our next tournament is in two weeks and both Blayne and Brayton will play. I can't wait! Have a great day all!!

Happy Valentine's Day to Me

He may only be five, but he knows how to treat a lady. Ok, well sort of anyway. This is the present he picked out for me. We had dinner at the lovely IHop. It just so happens to be our favorite hangout. Before hand his mommy had tucked some money away in his pocket so that when the ticket came he was able to say 'I get to pay it' and he paid for himself and his two valentines. It was hilarious.

He got an orange teddy bear hamster as his valentines present. Don't worry, it was his mom's idea. And we are all so very creative that he is named 'Valentine.'

It is almost 6 p.m. on Friday which means I am soon going to get to leave this stinkin' office and not come back for two whole days! Hooray! I had to be here at 7:15 this morning to go to a meeting in North Dallas so it has been a looooong day. I'm done with it.

I have Cas and Nattie this weekend but it's supposed to be crummy weather so I suppose that besides church we will be sitting in the warmth of my home playing Guitar Hero all weekend. I sure do love me some Guitar Hero. Cas has been practicing so she is becoming quite fun to play with. Natalee still doesn't have a clue but she thinks she's rocking out!

Have a great weekend everyone!

This Was Actually Quite Fun

1)Answer the questions below
2) Take each answer and type it into Photobucket
3) Take a picture from the first page of results and post. (click on the picture and copy the html)

1. The age you will be on your next birthday? 32...




2. A place you'd like to travel to?




3. Your favorite place?




4. Your favorite object?




5. Your favorite food?




6. Your favorite animal? None...




7. Your favorite color?




8. The town in which you were born? Ft. Worth, Texas...




9. The town in which you live? Ft. Worth, Texas




10. The name of a past pet? Pumpkin....surprisingly looked just like this one...




11. The first name of a recent/past boyfriend/girlfriend? Tim...




12. Your middle name?




13. A bad habit of yours?




14. Your first job?




15. Your favorite store?




16. Something you hate?




17. Your name?




18. Favorite Drink?




19. Addicted to?