I am in a war. Naively I could say it is a war with myself but I know it goes much deeper. I know my battle is not just flesh and blood.
I am watching a television show and a woman was trapped in a small box. Tied up but screaming and trying to bang her way out. My first thought is that I would give up, just lie there and die. But I know me better than that. I am a fighter even when I long to just give in. I know I fight against that which seeks to destroy me. I know this because in actuality, I really should be destroyed by this point. The problem is that I also fight against that which seeks to save me. I let no one in. I trust in no one. I cry out to God but never allow Him past arms length. I don't make these choices consciously but my life is evidence that it's truth.
These are good revelations. They are, however, useless if I can't figure out how to stop this cycle. This pattern of searching for love, being offered it but refusing ever to accept that what is offered could very well be my saving grace.
I am actively fighting even as we speak. One second I am trying to think of any way possible to lock all this madness deep back inside myself. The next I'm praying He won't allow it because as terrified, exhausted and alone as I feel, I still want to be free. If I have to suffer through this to get to that freedom, I will. I want a guarantee though. I want His promise it will work.....and I'm not going to get that. Ugh. Okay, processing over now.