Into the Depths: October 2011

Monday, October 31, 2011


This post has nothing to do with Halloween, but it amuses me that I still spell it using the song I learned in second grade. Anyway, I'm sad and that is why I write. Why am I sad, who knows. Maybe because the rest of the world is out walking their children door to door while I sit alone in my house with the tv turned up hoping I won't hear their laughter. Maybe I am depressed. Maybe both.

I admit I feel like giving up. I have reached this place that I am not sure I have been before. I know the Truth. I know it it is true beyond a shadow of a doubt. However, I live as though I don't know it at all. My heart tells me that the God of love is, in my life, only the God of disappointment. That my heart will not heal. That I will never be whole. That my dreams will only ever exist in my sleep. That I am and always will be alone. That no one, especially God, will ever really love me. Now, I know those are lies. But, I live as though they are truth. And, I am told, that you can not live contrary to your beliefs. So, perhaps what I say I believe is actually not what I believe at all. What if I don't know Jesus anymore than I know His love. What if my inability to accept His truth in the depths of my heart means that I never believed it to begin with.

So, all that to say, I find myself wondering if there is a point to my story at all. Perhaps all this church, all this bible study, all this begging Him to let me find Him. Maybe it's all just a waste of time and energy. I feel like I can't seek Him any more than I already have in my life. He said if I seek with all my heart I'll find Him. I haven't found Him and He hasn't found me, which means I must be doing it wrong. Problem is, I don't know how to do it any differently so I don't know that I shouldn't just give in. The lies are easier to believe anyway, right?

Monday, October 03, 2011

Fifteen Years

I miss you today. I miss you everyday. For the past fifteen years, and for the next.