Into the Depths: April 2006

Friday, April 28, 2006

And Then There Were Two

I am an Aunt. I have been "Aunt Teffie" for a little over ten years now, and the count stands at six nephews and four nieces. Being that I am one of six children, it is not strange that we would have so many kiddos running around. Here is the strange thing. My dad has one brother who has two sons. My mom has one sister who has four sons. My parents have two sons and four daughters. Now, of all these dads, moms and kids, none of them are twins. I know what you are thinking, "what's so strange about that." I'm getting there, have a little patience, sheesh!! :o)

A tiny bit of history: My older sister had three boys who were all unexpected and conceived despite precautionary measures. So, to prevent that from happening again, her husband took more drastic "precautionary measures." After eight months the doctor sounded the "all clear" only to have them conceive one month later. Now guess what they found out during the sonogram. You guessed it, twin girls! This has always been a big story in our family and we thought the strange factor would end there.

My sister who comes directly after me, I am fourth of the six, has two girls, ages four and six. She announced at Christmas that she was expecting her third child and seriously hoping for a boy. Well, today she went for her sonogram to find out if her hope paid off. I know what you're thinking, twin boys. Ha.....got ya, it's twin girls!

Come to find out, you don't need to have a history of twins in your family in order to be prone to having twins yourself. Apparently the way my sisters and I ovulate (who knew there were different ways to do so) makes us very likely candidates for twin conception. Makes me a little nervous but hey, I was already going to be buying eleven Christmas presents, what's one more!

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Partiality or Fact

mayson062, originally uploaded by guidmongrel.

I know I am a tad partial, but seriously, have you ever seen such a photogenic child. He just poses so perfectly. I'm afraid it would be impossible for him to be any cuter. You think I'm bad at this bragging stuff now, just wait until I have my own. :o)

Sunday, April 23, 2006

So You Had A Bad Day

When is a bad day just a bad day and when is it more? When exactly does a day even become bad? Late waking up? Late to work/church/meeting? Caught in traffic? Fight with a friend? Fight with a coworker? Fight with a boss? Make a mistake? Lose something important? Is it possible that absolutely nothing go wrong and still your heart be overcome with that "bad day" feeling?

Four hours after having gone to sleep, I got up for church. No problem. My friend was on time, we went to church. No problem. I spoke with a friend I hadn't talked to in months, so we all went to lunch together. No problem. I returned some clothes to the store, bought new clothes, I went to tan. No problem. So why, why is it that I feel so sad. Not my normal sad, all depressed, wallowing in the woes of the world. I don't feel that way today. I just feel broken hearted. No one broke my heart today, or yesterday for that matter. Never-the-less, it feels broken. Can anyone tell me why? Is there some life lesson in a broken heart that doesn't come from anywhere? It just appears and knocks the air out of you and leaves you thinking, where in the world did this come from?

Even more important perhaps, how do you get over a broken heart that has no basis? To what point of reference do you return to deal with and heal if there isn't one you can see? Do you just suck it up and take it and hope it disappears as simply as it appeared? Or do you delve in and look around and feel all the nasty things you don't want to look at with the faint hope that in the depths of it you will find not just the cause but even better the solution? Is it worth it? Is the chance that you will get lost in the midst of it all worth the chance that you might be saved from it all?

Did I mention that I could ramble?

Saturday, April 22, 2006

***WARNING*** This Post Requires Disclaimer

***Don't let your children read this and don't worry I don't feel this way anymore. However, the poems I wrote in my darker times just seem the most real to me. I wrote from my heart instead of my head then. If you hate it, quit reading. :o)***

Sleep doesn't come
Peace is eluding
I can't understand
Nor explain what I'm doing
I try to be good
I want to be pure
I'm made new in Christ
But of grace I'm unsure
Hopelessness comes easy
I'm filled with many doubts
I only want to break free
How can I get out
Into the kitchen
I open the door
Plunge it deep within you
Is what the demons roar
Slowly I begin to cut
Into my veins I bore
Blood begins to trickle down
My arms then to the floor
Now I guess it's over
As I start to fall
Why didn't I just reach out
As to Jesus I....Now.....call

The End
Why can't anyone understand,
Why will no one see,
That I no longer want to exist,
Ceasing to be me.
I want so badly to give up,
Finally to die,
No more pain, no more heartache,
No more living lies.
People try to care,
Unfortunately they keep me here.
Those few who think they know me,
Who seem to hold me dear.
Truth is they don't know,
They just think they do.
Again I make my normal plea,
They'd hate me if they knew.
I deserve to die,
To suffer and to ache,
But living in my loneliness,
Is a sentence I can't take.
To guilty to let go,
To shamed to ever be free.
Why won't they just show their hate,
And say goodbye to me.
So many options,
All leading to my end.
No such thing as grace for me,
Maybe I should give in,
To the evil that encompasses,
Drowning my worthless soul,
Give in to the eternal end,
Then finally they'd all know.

More Poetry as I Can Think of Nothing Else To Say

O.k. I've decided that until I can come up with something profound to say, I am just going to keep posting poems. At least that way it will look like there is something going on in my little blogworld. So, happy reading!
Forgotten Source
Things are going well, I forget the reason why,
That the cause of all my fortune is my Savior, Jesus Christ.
In the midst of all my happiness, I lose sight of the joy giver,
And only see glory in the moment, so typical of a sinner.
He must get me back on track, I must decide where my faith lies,
When the storms come blowing at me, I reach my hands up toward the skies.
I call out for His help, and cry from all my trials,
My God, why have you forsaken me. Tears replace my smiles.
I sink into my bitterness, in anger I retreat.
How had these troubles come to me, how could I face defeat.
I shake my fists toward Heaven, then realize my flaw,
He never left, it was I who fled, now through Him I must be strong.
I pray for His forgiveness and seek to feel His love,
Amazingly He's there to catch me, His hands reaching from above.
I feel His grace and realize, that once again I'd let Him down,
I always need to look to Him, in pain and when joy abounds.

Friday, April 21, 2006

Therapy Homework

When my counselor a few years ago gave me homework, poetry was the only way I knew to express my answers. I was supposed to tell what my goals for therapy were, what I hoped to gain. The first really just shows my fear. On the second one I decided that a good goal was to learn to believe the opposite of all the beliefs I held at that time. So I wrote a poem that was exactly that, the opposite of how I felt and believed, this is why I called it "Perfect."


Hope seems unattainable, unreachable, unclear.
From the bottom of this black pit, beneath a cloud of fear.
Believing the future won't mimic the past, seems to me insane,
Risking hope but finding devastation can't be worth the pain.
Is it possible to be happy, to be loved, to be free,
To be known without being hated, without masks to just be me?
God says He has a plan for me, a future full of hope,
But when exactly does the future start, and until then how do I cope.


Belief that I can live my life free from fear and shame,
Belief that it's o.k. to dream, to love, to feel, to change.
Belief that I am worth something, that I'm allowed to hope,
Belief that my life has a point, belief that I can cope.
Belief in a love that is real and will last,
Belief in a future that doesn't mirror the past.
Belief in forgiveness that truly is free,
Belief in a God who would choose to love me.