What It Takes

I feel as though I am falling apart. I feel like I will break into a million pieces and not ever be whole.

The only good news in this is that I am letting myself fall apart....for the most part. There are days where I claw and scratch and do anything I can think of to make the pain stop for a moment. Most days though, I'm just letting it happen. I joined BSF (Bible Study Fellowship) and this morning before the lecture started I began to cry. So I went out in the foyer and cried through the entire thing. They pipe it through the speakers so I was able to listen to all of it as tears silently streamed down my face for an hour. If this is what it takes.....

I called a pregnancy center in my town and have signed up for a weekend thing they do to help women who have had abortions find healing. I had to go to an interview for that Monday night. It was short but the questions were tough. I left there and went to a friends house and once her husband went to sleep I completely broke down. Never in my life before have I allowed myself to fall apart in front of another human being. Sure there have been a few quiet tears that I couldn't suck up.....but never all out weeping, sobbing, heaving cries. It was strange and I still can't quite believe it happened. If this is what it takes....

The fourteenth anniversary of my abortion is next Monday. Now with all the memories filling my head, some that have always been there, some newly faced and severely painful, my heart is feeling that it's had about all that it can take. Fact of the matter is though, as bad as I feel now, knowing the worst that can happen is it kills me really doesn't sound all that bad. If that's what it takes....