Into the Depths

Saturday, June 24, 2006

I look like a lobster. Someday I will learn to put on sunscreen, today was not that day. After four and a half hours at Hurricane Harbor, six of the seven boys I took had to be at their last ball game back in Cleburne. So we drove, really fast, and made it on time. Then we sat for another two hours in the 100 degree Texas sun and watched them lose their last game of the season. They were so tired it was almost humorous. I was so hot and burnt that it wasn't at all humorous. Enough about today.

Sometimes when I receive comments in a post I am asked questions and sometimes my answer is so long that it seems like a whole other post. So, when I saw such a question tonight, I decided just to make a whole new post to answer it. Aren't you excited?? Here is the original post:

And here is the question asked by LiteratureLover :
"Your mother will never be able to pay enough. And probably, neither will you. That's the point. You can't. The tallies will never add up in your mind. But can you accept forgiveness? Or even give it, anyway? "

My answer is no. Why would I need a whole new post for that, you may be asking yourself. Well, let me tell you. If you knew me in real life, you would assume that of course I can give and receive forgiveness. That is because although you think you know me, in actuality you see what I portray which is nothing of what is real inside me. If you read my blog regularly than I'm guessing you probably already knew what my answer would be. The fact of the matter is I am not even sure what forgiveness actually is. I absolutely don't know the depths of giving nor receiving it. My assumption is that without the capacity to accept it, you probably don't have the capacity to receive it. Or vice-versa....That may be a "which came first, the chicken or the egg" type of scenario.
I long to know forgiveness, in both aspects. I am not completely sure why it is such a difficult concept for me. Perhaps it is my Catholic upbringing. Perhaps it is the shame that eats away at my soul telling me not that the things that I do are bad but instead that I, at the core of my being, am fundamentally a bad, unworthy, irreparable thing. A mistake that never should have come to be. I honestly don't know. I know the verses on forgiveness. I know that if we confess our sins He is faithful and just to forgive us and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. (1John 1:9) I know that all have sinned. (Romans 3:23) I know that there are none righteous. (Romans 3:10) I know that God loves us while we are yet sinners. (Romans 5:8) So my knowledge of these facts should make forgiveness pretty cut and dry for me. Well, not so much.
Ok I just realized I have no answer except for no. The 'why' escapes me. I don't know why I can't believe that God could forgive me, or would even want to. I don't know why I can't forgive other people.....I didn't even realize how much I have not forgiven until very, very recently. I seem to discover more that I am angry about every day. Who the hell am I to hold anything against anyone. Why would God forgive me. If I expect other people to pay for their sins then why shouldn't God expect me to. How do I continually confuse myself more and more and more???


Blogger LiteratureLover said...

Just so you know, for a long time my answer would have been "no" as well. I respect you for being so honest.

June 25, 2006 12:20 AM  
Blogger Bttrfly1976 said...

How do you get from here to there. What does that look like. I suppose that is what therapy is for, huh.

June 25, 2006 12:01 PM  
Blogger LiteratureLover said...

I think it looks different for each person. Mine begin to happen when I saw how deep and evil my sin went, yet I wanted forgiveness. For some reason, I began to forgive after that. I wish I could give you a list of three steps to forgiveness that would get you there. But it's not a method.

June 25, 2006 3:08 PM  
Blogger Paulette said...

My view,is forgiveness is for yourself. In my case having to forgive my Parents for there abuse to me, I forgave them so I could move on and recieve healing for me. I will never forget what they did to me but I forgave them so I could recieve a peace and freedom.

June 25, 2006 10:24 PM  

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