Mom,
I don't know what to write. Where do I start? What do I tell you? That you sucked, that sometimes I think I hate you. That when you say you love me it makes my skin crawl. I don't know. Maybe it's all in my head. Maybe it wasn't as bad as I think. Maybe you did love me. Maybe not. I know that you do love me, in so much as you know how. But I don't FEEL like you love me. I feel as though I could never be good enough for you. Nothing I did was right, and you so enjoyed making sure I knew that I was wrong.
You taught me that I am a failure, that I am worthless, that I don't matter and that I was, in essence, a mistake. You say that we were 'close' or rather that I was an affectionate child until I was five. My question that I find myself wondering is how, as a mother, do you see such a change in your five year old daughter and not wonder if something might be wrong. Perhaps even try to do something about it. Denial is your gift, though.
I hate that I couldn't make you love me. I hate that you were critical of everything I did. I hate that you didn't protect me. I hate that you didn't trust me. I hate that you didn't support me. I hate that you couldn't understand me. I hate that I didn't have a mother. I had a mean, critical, fake woman who lived in the same house as I did. You were selfish and you were lazy and I hope that I am nothing like you.
When I think of the character of God, even though it is the opposite of what I know to be true, I see Him as an evil judge eagerly awaiting His next opportunity to exact His judgment on me. I blame you for that. You taught me that I was dirty and shameful and that no matter how hard I tried I couldn't change that about myself. I wanted to be good enough for you and for God, but I couldn't fix the evil inside me.
I realize that now, as an adult, it is probably my fault that we don't have a relationship. There are a couple of reasons why I think that is. First, I don't trust you. You enjoy causing dissension and gain satisfaction through hurting me. Second, I don't think you deserve to know me or love me. I realize that is selfish, so call me selfish. I feel like you had my entire childhood to know and love me and you didn't want to. Why should I give you that chance now. I think I am supposed to say I forgive you, but I don't, so why lie.
Stephanie
************************************************************************************
This sounds so stupid as I read it back. What a whiner I am. But that is what came out once I started. Maybe I should just 'grow up and get over it,' as my mother said. That was her response when I attempted suicide, anyway, so I guess her response to this would be close. Maybe I should start over, rewrite it, be more specific, I don't know.
You taught me that I am a failure, that I am worthless, that I don't matter and that I was, in essence, a mistake. You say that we were 'close' or rather that I was an affectionate child until I was five. My question that I find myself wondering is how, as a mother, do you see such a change in your five year old daughter and not wonder if something might be wrong. Perhaps even try to do something about it. Denial is your gift, though.
I hate that I couldn't make you love me. I hate that you were critical of everything I did. I hate that you didn't protect me. I hate that you didn't trust me. I hate that you didn't support me. I hate that you couldn't understand me. I hate that I didn't have a mother. I had a mean, critical, fake woman who lived in the same house as I did. You were selfish and you were lazy and I hope that I am nothing like you.
When I think of the character of God, even though it is the opposite of what I know to be true, I see Him as an evil judge eagerly awaiting His next opportunity to exact His judgment on me. I blame you for that. You taught me that I was dirty and shameful and that no matter how hard I tried I couldn't change that about myself. I wanted to be good enough for you and for God, but I couldn't fix the evil inside me.
I realize that now, as an adult, it is probably my fault that we don't have a relationship. There are a couple of reasons why I think that is. First, I don't trust you. You enjoy causing dissension and gain satisfaction through hurting me. Second, I don't think you deserve to know me or love me. I realize that is selfish, so call me selfish. I feel like you had my entire childhood to know and love me and you didn't want to. Why should I give you that chance now. I think I am supposed to say I forgive you, but I don't, so why lie.
Stephanie
************************************************************************************
This sounds so stupid as I read it back. What a whiner I am. But that is what came out once I started. Maybe I should just 'grow up and get over it,' as my mother said. That was her response when I attempted suicide, anyway, so I guess her response to this would be close. Maybe I should start over, rewrite it, be more specific, I don't know.
posted by Bttrfly1976 at 1:20 AM
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5 Comments:
Allow me to say that I found your letter beautiful, honest and emotionally vulnerable. Don't change a thing.
I'm so proud of you for doing it...and for sharing it with us. Hang in there, girl. It's gonna get better :-)
I didn't think it sounded whiny I thought it sounded honest and to the point.
First of all, you wrote the letter. That is awesome! In my opinion, I agree with Supermom and Heartsjoy, I think it should stay as it is. It pierced me.
First of all to heal you cannot sugar coat it. It is what you feel so you do have to own the letter. I have been there, my mother really was the evilest woman I have ever known, she never denied it.After I went to witnesss to her after much healing on my part, she would have none of it. I asked her that night to accept Christ and I would share heaven with her.lol she told me she would see me in hell...sorry not funny but that aint happenin!!! I left the letter I wrote her and it was very similar to yours Stephanie, But you have to let them know how they hurt us, you cannot heal until it is acknowledged. For me I forgave my mom For me not her. Great job, Watching you now is like dejavue for me been there done that, and living a victorious life in Christ now. I pray for you every day, sincerly I do.
thanks guys.....well gals....for your encouragement, I appreciate each of you, a lot!
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