Into the Depths: Mom,

Sunday, July 16, 2006


I don't know what to write. Where do I start? What do I tell you? That you sucked, that sometimes I think I hate you. That when you say you love me it makes my skin crawl. I don't know. Maybe it's all in my head. Maybe it wasn't as bad as I think. Maybe you did love me. Maybe not. I know that you do love me, in so much as you know how. But I don't FEEL like you love me. I feel as though I could never be good enough for you. Nothing I did was right, and you so enjoyed making sure I knew that I was wrong.
You taught me that I am a failure, that I am worthless, that I don't matter and that I was, in essence, a mistake. You say that we were 'close' or rather that I was an affectionate child until I was five. My question that I find myself wondering is how, as a mother, do you see such a change in your five year old daughter and not wonder if something might be wrong. Perhaps even try to do something about it. Denial is your gift, though.
I hate that I couldn't make you love me. I hate that you were critical of everything I did. I hate that you didn't protect me. I hate that you didn't trust me. I hate that you didn't support me. I hate that you couldn't understand me. I hate that I didn't have a mother. I had a mean, critical, fake woman who lived in the same house as I did. You were selfish and you were lazy and I hope that I am nothing like you.
When I think of the character of God, even though it is the opposite of what I know to be true, I see Him as an evil judge eagerly awaiting His next opportunity to exact His judgment on me. I blame you for that. You taught me that I was dirty and shameful and that no matter how hard I tried I couldn't change that about myself. I wanted to be good enough for you and for God, but I couldn't fix the evil inside me.
I realize that now, as an adult, it is probably my fault that we don't have a relationship. There are a couple of reasons why I think that is. First, I don't trust you. You enjoy causing dissension and gain satisfaction through hurting me. Second, I don't think you deserve to know me or love me. I realize that is selfish, so call me selfish. I feel like you had my entire childhood to know and love me and you didn't want to. Why should I give you that chance now. I think I am supposed to say I forgive you, but I don't, so why lie.


This sounds so stupid as I read it back. What a whiner I am. But that is what came out once I started. Maybe I should just 'grow up and get over it,' as my mother said. That was her response when I attempted suicide, anyway, so I guess her response to this would be close. Maybe I should start over, rewrite it, be more specific, I don't know.


Blogger SuperMom said...

Allow me to say that I found your letter beautiful, honest and emotionally vulnerable. Don't change a thing.

I'm so proud of you for doing it...and for sharing it with us. Hang in there, girl. It's gonna get better :-)

July 16, 2006 10:35 PM  
Blogger heartsjoy said...

I didn't think it sounded whiny I thought it sounded honest and to the point.

July 16, 2006 11:11 PM  
Blogger LiteratureLover said...

First of all, you wrote the letter. That is awesome! In my opinion, I agree with Supermom and Heartsjoy, I think it should stay as it is. It pierced me.

July 17, 2006 3:36 PM  
Blogger Paulette said...

First of all to heal you cannot sugar coat it. It is what you feel so you do have to own the letter. I have been there, my mother really was the evilest woman I have ever known, she never denied it.After I went to witnesss to her after much healing on my part, she would have none of it. I asked her that night to accept Christ and I would share heaven with her.lol she told me she would see me in hell...sorry not funny but that aint happenin!!! I left the letter I wrote her and it was very similar to yours Stephanie, But you have to let them know how they hurt us, you cannot heal until it is acknowledged. For me I forgave my mom For me not her. Great job, Watching you now is like dejavue for me been there done that, and living a victorious life in Christ now. I pray for you every day, sincerly I do.

July 17, 2006 11:45 PM  
Blogger Bttrfly1976 said...

thanks guys.....well gals....for your encouragement, I appreciate each of you, a lot!

July 18, 2006 9:19 PM  

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