HURT

I am not a fan of old school country music, in fact, I typically make fun of people, like my brother-in-law, who listen to it. This song, however, is one of my favorites. I love the depth in the song and the pain you can feel emanating through his voice. Johnny Cash has a voice that seems to exude hurt. Strange as it sounds, I like that. I have been contemplating (imagine that) why it is that I so love sad things, be they songs, movies or books. You would think that as much as I hate pain that I would hate all things sad, but I don't. Here are the words, than I can continue rambling:

HURT
I hurt myself today
to see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
the only thing that's real
the needle tears a hole
the old familiar sting
try to kill it all away
but I remember everything
what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
and you could have it all
my empire of dirt

I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of thorns
upon my liar's chair
full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
beneath the stains of time
the feelings disappear
you are someone else
I am still right here

what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
and you could have it all
my empire of dirt

I will let you down
I will make you hurt

if I could start again
a million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

Take this song for example, I like that I can relate to it. I like that it could be me singing the song and it would still be completely real. I hurt myself to see if I still feel. I don't use needles, I prefer razor blades, but I get it. I focus on the chaos in my life because it is all I know, nothing else seems real, it is like a thick fog that I can't see through. I try to be numb, to pretend that everything is fine, but it only takes a word, a look, sometimes nothing at all to bring it all crashing back into my consciousness like a tidal wave. Everyone I know does not go away, just everyone that I have allowed myself to care about. I will let you down. I will make you hurt.
My favorite line is "full of broken thoughts that I can not repair." Not because there is hope in it, but because it is real and it is me. "If I could start again a million miles away, I would keep myself, I would find a way." If only.
I judge a movie's quality by whether or not it can make me cry. If it can't, I am not interested. I don't like sad endings, it has to end up ok, but there has to be real life in it for me to like it. My thought is that it is in these places that I find my sense of 'connectedness'. All-be-it a false sense thereof. Since I can't seem to connect in real life, I do so vicariously through a movie, a song, a book, a blog. I don't know if it makes me feel less alone, I am having trouble pinpointing exactly what it is. I guess maybe it is the only way that I have to remind myself that I am still here. I am not just an empty shell, though I often feel that way. Even though I see myself just existing rather than living, these moments give me a glimpse back into reality. That life is real, it is pain, it is suffering, it is feeling what you feel when you feel it. Someday I will learn to truly live that, hopefully. I guess the real hope in there is that by doing that, by feeling it when I feel it, then the bad won't be all there is. If the bad is felt rather than stuffed down and compacted, day after day after month after year, then maybe there will be room for good, too.
I heard a quote once. "You must be careful what you pretend to be because in the end, you are what you pretend to be." I hope it isn't true.