The LORD your God is with you,
He is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
He will quiet you with his love,
He will rejoice over you with singing.
Zephaniah 3:17
Saturday, September 30, 2006
Miss Me?
No, me either. I have just been avoiding. Avoiding blogging, avoiding the nagging questions, avoiding feelings, avoiding life. And will, at least for tonight, continue doing so. It was a busy week. For being one with no life, I sure seem to be filling mine up. Support group and church on Sunday, Bible study on Tuesday, new home group on Wednesdays, and soccer on Saturdays. Not to mention ten lessons per week for the support group and Bible study, and the new addition of the weekly study we'll be doing for the home group. Add to all that all the new shows premiering on T.V. and I can barely keep up with myself.
I had fully intended on a night full of television tonight, when the lady from my church called and invited me over...you know the one, I've spoken of her before. She said bring over some pictures you'd like to get into a scrapbook. Pictures I've got. Scrapbooking I suck at. In four hours we managed to go to three stores and finally come up with a book I could live with, then get back to her house and knock out a whopping two pages for said book. Holy mackerel is that stuff time consuming. In defense of the art of scrapbooking, however, those two pages are darn cute.
I have a ton to say, answers to questions in comments, new revelations....but, like I said, I am avoiding, so it will have to wait. I will say that the Daniel study does have some astoundingly good stuff in it though. I will have to approach that subject after my sabbatical from realness. I'll get back to you...........
Did I mention Sundays get me down? I went to church last night, this church only does a night service every couple of months. They sing a lot and take part in communion. So I sat and since it was dark and loud, I cried my eyes out the whole time. Never does one feel more alone when sobbing in a room full of people and no one notices. Well, I say that, I suppose there could be other times, but I felt very, very, very alone. Why was I crying? Hmmm. I think I am just completely overwhelmed. I am doing the group at church and though I don't typically speak, just doing the lessons and hearing others talk about their damage is enough to break me down. Then, there is the God thing. I am seriously concerned. I read John MacArthur's commentary on Hebrews, focusing on chapter six. Apparently the writer was talking to Jews who were in the church, taking part just like the Christians, but hadn't made the leap for themselves. Intellectually they knew all they needed to know to become a Christian, they had made it right up to the edge of faith in Christ, but hadn't taken the chance and surrendered to Christ. The commentary is quite convincing, giving the meanings of certain words that evoke great confusion for me. For instance, "partakers" is dealing with association, not possession. Also, no where else in the Bible does it refer to Christians as being with the Holy Spirit but instead that the Holy Spirit is IN them. So, I am convinced on that part. My problem is, am I one of those Jews. Have I all the intellectual knowledge I need to know Christ personally, but not the faith? And if I am, how do I fix that? I know the easy answer is just to go ahead and make sure. Problem is, my view of God is no better today than when I was eighteen. In fact, it is probably worse. So, if my lack of faith then stopped me, it will surely stop me now. The scary thing is that my being like them makes perfect sense. How can you confess someone as "Lord" if you can't trust Him. That term denotes that you would give complete control over to that person. You must be able to completely surrender, and without trust, that is impossible. "Without faith, it is impossible to please God." Makes me think I am in big trouble. Sure, I can keep going through 'recovery' until my view of God is repaired, but what if I die tomorrow?
Is it becoming easier to understand why I am feeling overwhelmed? Is it obvious why I would spend the entire church service bawling? Yeah, I thought so.
Ok, the only point to my title is that I am very glad that Grey's Anatomy starts tonight. My favorite show Ever. No other show in the history of the world has held the power to bring me to tears with every single episode. I adore it. Enough about that.
I read this quote today, and I really like it, though it is quite frightening:
"Sometimes people carry to such perfection the mask they have assumed that in due course they actually become the person they seem." W. Somerset Maugham
Real question: If there is no life change, can one truly be saved? Is it possible, that you really were saved, but you are so totally screwed up that you never get anywhere? Or, is it more possible that if you can't trust God to love and forgive you, then you can't trust Him to save you? Or are they both possible and I am just screwed because there is no answer. Good question, eh? Cognitive dissonance, it does a body good.....NOT.
I have been contemplating again. Ok, really I never stop, but here is something new. I think it is actually less painful for me to believe God hates me. Sounds strange, I know, but stay with me. If He hates me, than sure, I will spend my life feeling like the worthless nothing that I am, but still, I think that it is less hurtful than the alternative. Here's why. If God does care, if He does, in fact, love me, then how disappointed He must be. Disappointment from others is something I can not stand. Nothing makes me feel more like a failure than when I disappoint. So, yet another hurdle I will have to jump over someday.
Yeah, so, I needed a change. I already have four tatoos, so I figured I might should pass on that notion. Instead I went with the hair. It will grow back, right? So, $125 and 6" later, here is what my hair looks like.
I would love to say that I also got her face and body, but, no such luck. Oh well. We'll see if this makes me feel better. Later.
If I didn't know full well that I would have to start all over again in a year or two, I would just give up. I know I am just a big cry baby. I know I am a wimp. But I am tired and I want this to be over. Sundays always seem to get me down, no idea why. Today, however, was worse than normal. Perhaps it was the rain, but I feel like, well, you don't want to know how I feel. It isn't like me not to just lay it all out here in the blog-o-sphere. I just don't want anyone freaking, so I will leave it with that. I am sad. I am tired. I feel a pressure so tight in my chest that if something doesn't happen soon, my heart might just explode. I want out. I'm going to bed, yes, at 10:05. Because it will hurt less if I am asleep, right?
Ok, I am not smart enough to link to one of my own posts, but for reference, go see my post from June 2 entitled "More Questions." I spoke about this with my therapist today. I was talking about how it is disconcerting to me that God had to forsake Jesus because He was full of our sin, because that seemed to mean that I then had to be forsaken due to my sin. She said, where exactly does it say that God turned His back on Jesus? I said, uhhh, I don't know but it has to be there, I know I have been told that. So I asked, you don't think God forsook Him. She said, no, I believe He was just saying how He felt. Well, I discussed this tonight as I walked with my neighbor, she just so happens to be a preachers daughter. So, after our walk, we went to look it up in her husband's Bible. Lo and behold, it isn't there. Nowhere does it say that God turned His back on Jesus. We checked all four gospels, it isn't there. Of course the statement Jesus made points back to Psalm 21 when it was prophesied that the Saviour would say such, still no mention of God actually forsaking Him. So, point to the story, Jesus felt forsaken, doesn't mean He was. Funny thing is, even the preachers daughter believed that was in the Bible. Scary how we believe what we are told without even checking it out sometimes.
Therapy was actually good today, shocking eh. I was trying to explain to her my new 'feeling theory' and when I finished I looked at her and she looked as though she had been hit by a mack truck. She was like, uhh you lost me. So, she handed me a dry erase board and said, here, draw it for me. Err, draw it? Yes, with words. I did the best I could and it worked, she got it. That isn't the point. I kept the board and kept drawing, just doodling really. After a while I said I needed an eraser, but she wanted to see what I had been drawing. No. She said, ok, erase it and start over. I said, why, you want to make it all psychological. And she told me no, but it seemed to be helping me talk. And you know what, it was. Not sure why. Something about being able to focus my energy on the board instead of all the reasons I shouldn't say whatever popped in my head at any given time. So, I was very glad that happened, so long as she will let me do it every session.
I learned through my homework that while traumas experienced in my adult life are very cut and dry, it is difficult for me to pinpoint specific events from my childhood. So, she told me she wants me to try to make the list again. This time, however, she wants me to use my left hand. Apparently using my non-dominant hand will help me get in touch with whatever part of my brain holds those memories and emotions. I guess we shall see.
I don't really have time to blog tonight, but when has that ever stopped me. I need to go dry my hair and put my rear in bed, but I felt like writing about what I am trying to grapple with at the moment.
In keeping my 'mood journal' I have come across a new discovery. I don't feel much, and when I do, it is very hard for me to recognize what it is that I am feeling. Each time I think that I need to be writing in it, I think, what am I supposed to write, there is nothing here. This worried me, or at least made me wonder. First, why don't I feel more, second how is it possible that I don't know what I am feeling when I do feel something. So, I have developed a theory.
When facing a crisis, whether self or other created, I experience a tsunami of emotion. They overwhelm me, so once I gain some measure of control, I do my best to make the feelings subside. In other words, I stuff them down on top of all the others. Since I can't recognize each emotion, I haven't the faintest idea of how to deal with them so my only options are self destruct or stuff. Eventually I stuff.
Outside of crisis, I am very near numb on a consistent basis. As I have looked back over the past several years, I notice an emerging pattern. A restlessness begins to eat away at the pit of my stomach. My first conclusion was that when this gnawing began to threaten me, that is when I would go to find a solution, something, anything to make me feel, to remind me that I am, in fact, alive. That solution could be one of several things, meet a stranger and invite him home, go spend all my money at the mall, find someone to go to the bar with....even something so minute as watching a movie that I know will send me into the depths of despair, where at least some sadness becomes real to me. That was my first thought. However, I am now wondering if it isn't the opposite. Perhaps the restlessness I feel is me, subconsciously trying to make me feel all of those things I have hidden below. Thus, the solutions I find, rather than bringing me into feeling, actually serve to renew the numbing that I feel so safe in. Empty, but safe.
My issue now is this, how do I fix that. How do I unlock me. How do I learn not just how to feel, but more importantly to recognize what I am feeling and what it is causing those emotions. I know what happens when the feelings come with no understanding. I panic, then I run and hide, then, if there is no way to make it go away, I cut. Whatever works. Problem is, I don't want that solution anymore, I don't want temporal anymore. I want to be better, to be healthy, to be whole. I just don't know how.
For instance, the comments on my last post were about how upbeat, or happy that post was. Each time I got a new comment I thought, WHAT?? I have no idea what they saw in that to make it seem happy. Not that it was sad, it wasn't. I just didn't see anything upbeat about it either. To me, it was neutral, which is the crux of the problem. Numb is neutral. There is no happy, there is no sad, there is just empty, and empty sucks. Ok, going to dry my hair, night.
I am watching the movie made about the 9/11 Commission, as I am sure a few of you are doing. My heart still breaks when I see pictures from that day. The thousands of people covered in ash. The once magnificent buildings crumbling into mere rubble. The little girl clutching her doll standing with presumably her mother, in front of a picture of her father that no one can find. The astoundingly courageous fireman hoisting the American flag as a token of hope in the midst of despair, a symbol of courage at the center of terror. All I can think now is why don't we get the message? Not the message that there are terrible people in this world, I think we get that. Not that we must be more diligent about the people we allow into our country and onto our planes, I think we get that too. I think more about this message.
2 Chronicles 7:14 If my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land.
I don't get why we don't get that. That is all of my soapbox for today.
I had dinner last night with the lady from my church that I told you about previously. She was having a few friends over and invited me to join them. I was terrified, of course, but after about four hours finally convinced myself to go. I am glad that I did. I still don't know why she would want me there, but am thankful that she thought of me and was willing to have me. It wasn't as bad as I thought it might be, a little uncomfortable as I was with a group of strangers for several hours, but they were very nice and I actually enjoyed the conversation. So, that was my social event of the week, my therapist will be so proud, I'm sure.
Soccer was entertaining to say the least. The twins mostly just followed each other around the field. Mayson was hilarious and his game was, by far, the funniest. I think he spent more time falling than he did kicking, but it was great. He was very aggressive and went after the ball every chance he got. I think his teammates fought him for the ball more often than the opposing team did. Brayton was, as is customary, a stud. He scored five of his teams six goals. He is one of those children who is going to excel at anything he sets out to do. He is just a little stud, what can I say.
I started my group at church this morning. Did I mention that, I can't remember? Anyway, it is set up as a support group and I am, of course, feeling rather nervous. The study we are doing is called "Making Peace With Your Past." This morning wasn't too bad, except when we had to go around the room and tell our name and what brought us to the group. As you can imagine, I did not love that part. We will see how it goes, I guess. I already did the first two lessons for this week, there are five each week, because I start another Bible study on Tuesday. I am doing a Beth Moore study at my neighbors church. I believe the one we are doing is on the book of Daniel, which doesn't mean a lot to me yet, but I am sure it will in the not too distant future. If nothing else, ten lessons a week will get me plenty of Bible time, right?
My favorite quote from church this morning: "Only what has been transferred can be transformed." (See Romans 12:1-2 and notice you must first present your body as a living sacrifice before you get to the renewing of your mind so that you may be transformed.)
In case it isn't clear to anyone but me, I am sort of throwing myself out there. I figure that until I exhaust every single option, I can't keep saying that God won't meet me, won't let me find Him, whatever. If I don't do every thing in my power, take every opportunity presented me, than I can't say that I did all I could and God didn't care. If I am just going to sit on my couch and watch my life pass me by while lamenting that God didn't love me anyway, well that is really more about me than God, now isn't it. So, we'll just hold onto that faint glimmer of hope and perhaps one day the fire will catch and the Light will consume.
Below is a depiction of the design for the new World Trade Center. There are three buildings and they will surround a memorial to the three thousand whose lives were taken in the destruction of the twin towers.
I don't believe I have ever, in my entire life, anywhere in the world, seen a more precious picture. I don't think they could be sweeter if they tried.
Only a tiny bit of whining, because this is my blog and I can. ;) So, it is my Saturday at work, which is crappy in and of itself. I have to be at the office from 8-12. Well, my nieces and nephews first ever soccer games are on Saturday. Do you really think I could miss any of those. NO! I was hoping they would all be in the afternoon so I could make them. Well, lucky us, Brayton plays on field 17 @ 1:30. Mayson plays on field 18 @ 1:30. BrookLynn and BryAnn play on field 19 @ 1:30. I don't think they could get them all scheduled that way again if they actually tried. So we will be running from field to field for an hour. I guess that is what I get for hoping for the afternoon, I got what I wanted, right?? They also have the girls on a team with kids who are the next age level up. We just found that out when looking up the schedule, but for some reason they put them with the 6 year olds instead of the 5 year olds, even though they are four? Oh well, my sister is hoping this will make them lose interest in soccer, isn't that sweet. She is really hoping to make them girly girls despite their three older brothers.
BrookLynn has changed her name to BretLynn. None of us know why, but that is what she calls herself and tells everyone else to call her. She has already learned to spell it, and being that she didn't even want to think about spelling her real name, my sister isn't arguing with her. So as a four year old she has decided on a new name for herself. Whatever works.
This is my brother-in-law's car directly following his 'encounter' with a deer this morning. Apparently the deer jumped, thinking it could sail over the car, I guess. You can see how that turned out. It didn't hit the front of the car at all, just flew directly into the windshield, oops. Josh is fine, the car, not so much. The deer did get up and run away, but judging by the car, I'm not so sure how far it got. That's all I've got. Aren't I boring these days!
Blah blah ba blah blah blah. That is about all that I have going through my head today. Felt like Monday even though it is Tuesday, good news is, only two more days till Friday. You know what that means, time for another weekend, thank goodness. I wish it were bed time rather than walk time. It is hard to blog when your brain is empty.
I saw this word cloud thing on Paulette's blog. You go to the website and type in the address of your blog, then they scan your blog and use frequently used words to make the cloud. C'mon, you know you want one.
Oh yeah I remember a story. This weekend when we were driving home from Addison, Casta asked if I would still be alive when she was a teenager??? Does she realize that is only six years away, hello, I am only thirty. She asked this because she wants to be sure I will be around to drive her while she is riding along in the front seat. Oh the things she looks forward to. Kids are crazy.
Ok, all done, I've got nothing. My brain is mush. Big fat oatmealy mush.
Evidence of My Astoundingly Unsuccessful Movie Career
Here are a couple movies for your viewing pleasure. There is no sound as I do not know how to get that uploaded, but you'll be ok without it. Keep in mind they are rather low budget, shot with a cell phone after all. :) We went to see the redo of the Addison fireworks tonight. They were rained out back on the 4th of July, as I'm sure you recall, so they did the show tonight. It was great! I Love Fireworks!! The other video is Cas and Nattie at the Rangers game last night. I was in a pigtail mood, is that painfully obvious? Even without sound it is quite evident that they both enjoy attention, A LOT. Especially evident when the elder pushes the younger one out of her way, at least she sweetly cocks her head to one side while doing so! ;) Just click on them and they will play. By the way, the fireworks don't look like a big fireball in person, it was really quite pretty.
I did go to church this morning. It was a good message, and they sang a song I love that I haven't heard in ages. "He Is" is the name of it and I have only heard it done by Aaron Jeffrey, at least I think that is who it was. Anyway, it is a darn good song, it goes through every book of the Bible describing the character of God in each. Good stuff, if you haven't heard it, go find it and listen to it. So anyway, I went. I didn't speak to anyone, but I went darn it. Later
C'mon now, you know they're cute! I realize that sleeping in glasses is not a great idea. However, can I just say that I LOVE that she fell asleep reading. My only question is where the heck am I supposed to sleep??
We went to the Rangers game tonight. MercyMe did a pregame concert, and since I like the Rangers too, I couldn't miss it. We did, sadly, lose. If you ask me, we were robbed. We had the tying run at the bottom of the ninth and the ump called him out. They wouldn't even show the replay, I think they were afraid the entire crowd would rush the field in anger. Oh well. I still say we should have had that run, but whatever. I have to go to bed if I am going to get up in time to get me and two girls ready for church in the morning. I guess I'll be on the couch tonight.
"I loathe the expression 'What makes him tick.' It is the American mind, looking for simple and singular solution, that uses the foolish expression. A person not only ticks, he also chimes and strikes the hour, falls and breaks and has to be put together again, and sometimes stops like an electric clock in a thunderstorm."
James Thurber
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