Big Trouble

Did I mention Sundays get me down? I went to church last night, this church only does a night service every couple of months. They sing a lot and take part in communion. So I sat and since it was dark and loud, I cried my eyes out the whole time. Never does one feel more alone when sobbing in a room full of people and no one notices. Well, I say that, I suppose there could be other times, but I felt very, very, very alone. Why was I crying? Hmmm. I think I am just completely overwhelmed. I am doing the group at church and though I don't typically speak, just doing the lessons and hearing others talk about their damage is enough to break me down. Then, there is the God thing. I am seriously concerned. I read John MacArthur's commentary on Hebrews, focusing on chapter six. Apparently the writer was talking to Jews who were in the church, taking part just like the Christians, but hadn't made the leap for themselves. Intellectually they knew all they needed to know to become a Christian, they had made it right up to the edge of faith in Christ, but hadn't taken the chance and surrendered to Christ. The commentary is quite convincing, giving the meanings of certain words that evoke great confusion for me. For instance, "partakers" is dealing with association, not possession. Also, no where else in the Bible does it refer to Christians as being with the Holy Spirit but instead that the Holy Spirit is IN them. So, I am convinced on that part. My problem is, am I one of those Jews. Have I all the intellectual knowledge I need to know Christ personally, but not the faith? And if I am, how do I fix that? I know the easy answer is just to go ahead and make sure. Problem is, my view of God is no better today than when I was eighteen. In fact, it is probably worse. So, if my lack of faith then stopped me, it will surely stop me now. The scary thing is that my being like them makes perfect sense. How can you confess someone as "Lord" if you can't trust Him. That term denotes that you would give complete control over to that person. You must be able to completely surrender, and without trust, that is impossible. "Without faith, it is impossible to please God." Makes me think I am in big trouble. Sure, I can keep going through 'recovery' until my view of God is repaired, but what if I die tomorrow?

Is it becoming easier to understand why I am feeling overwhelmed? Is it obvious why I would spend the entire church service bawling? Yeah, I thought so.