Into the Depths: Big Trouble

Monday, September 25, 2006

Big Trouble

Did I mention Sundays get me down? I went to church last night, this church only does a night service every couple of months. They sing a lot and take part in communion. So I sat and since it was dark and loud, I cried my eyes out the whole time. Never does one feel more alone when sobbing in a room full of people and no one notices. Well, I say that, I suppose there could be other times, but I felt very, very, very alone. Why was I crying? Hmmm. I think I am just completely overwhelmed. I am doing the group at church and though I don't typically speak, just doing the lessons and hearing others talk about their damage is enough to break me down. Then, there is the God thing. I am seriously concerned. I read John MacArthur's commentary on Hebrews, focusing on chapter six. Apparently the writer was talking to Jews who were in the church, taking part just like the Christians, but hadn't made the leap for themselves. Intellectually they knew all they needed to know to become a Christian, they had made it right up to the edge of faith in Christ, but hadn't taken the chance and surrendered to Christ. The commentary is quite convincing, giving the meanings of certain words that evoke great confusion for me. For instance, "partakers" is dealing with association, not possession. Also, no where else in the Bible does it refer to Christians as being with the Holy Spirit but instead that the Holy Spirit is IN them. So, I am convinced on that part. My problem is, am I one of those Jews. Have I all the intellectual knowledge I need to know Christ personally, but not the faith? And if I am, how do I fix that? I know the easy answer is just to go ahead and make sure. Problem is, my view of God is no better today than when I was eighteen. In fact, it is probably worse. So, if my lack of faith then stopped me, it will surely stop me now. The scary thing is that my being like them makes perfect sense. How can you confess someone as "Lord" if you can't trust Him. That term denotes that you would give complete control over to that person. You must be able to completely surrender, and without trust, that is impossible. "Without faith, it is impossible to please God." Makes me think I am in big trouble. Sure, I can keep going through 'recovery' until my view of God is repaired, but what if I die tomorrow?

Is it becoming easier to understand why I am feeling overwhelmed? Is it obvious why I would spend the entire church service bawling? Yeah, I thought so.


Anonymous Beth said...

I wish I had a simple answer. Something that would turn the light on of faith in your mind. I obviously don't know all you've been through in your life..just the snippits you share here. But I think if you can come to the realization that God did not cause all the bad and horrible in your life, trust might be restored. God allows things to happen because he gave us free will. That means the people that hurt us have the free will too. And that sucks. I don't believe for a second that God wanted you to suffer. And I know for sure that it deeply saddens him when his children are so deeply wounded. It's going to have to come down to this...and I believe you know this...complete abandon into his arms. You have to leap if you want to learn to fly.

When I was in my deepest, darkest depressions with thoughts of suicide plaguing my soul, I literally had to cry out, "God, I believe...help my unbelief!" I so wish we lived near each other. I just want to hold your hands and pray for you and with you. He's there Stephanie. All you need to do is close your eyes, reach out your hand and take His. He's just right there!!

As always.....

September 25, 2006 11:10 PM  
Blogger Shayne said...


Will trusting God hurt you any worse than you've already hurt yourself?

Something to think about.

September 26, 2006 8:01 AM  
Blogger LiteratureLover said...

I hurt for you. I am glad that you COULD cry but I wish you hadn't been alone. I have not read John MacAurthur's commentary but I think I know the passage that you speak of. It's rattled me as well. I should probably send Kyle or Steve to converse with you about this.

I have to disagree with Beth a bit. She said, "I don't believe for a second that God wanted you to suffer." I think God IS willing for His children to suffer. After all, He let Jesus suffer horribly. But it was not without meaning. That is where I find my solace. I may not always know what that meaning is but somewhere I trust that He has a purpose.

September 26, 2006 11:33 AM  
Blogger Bttrfly1976 said...

Beth, thank you for your sweet words, I wish you had that simple answer to. But, I know there isn't one.

Shayne, absolutely He could. Infinitely more so.

LL, I wish that too, oddly enough. I think you are right about God's willingness for us to suffer. Part of the pruning process, oftentimes. However, I have not yet found solace in that truth.And yes, any enlightenment your friends have would be wholeheartedly appreciated.

At least I didn't die today, right?

September 26, 2006 10:02 PM  
Blogger Shayne said...


How would trusting God hurt you worse? Can you give me a little more insight into what you mean by that?

September 27, 2006 1:08 PM  

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