Contemplation

I have been contemplating again. Ok, really I never stop, but here is something new. I think it is actually less painful for me to believe God hates me. Sounds strange, I know, but stay with me. If He hates me, than sure, I will spend my life feeling like the worthless nothing that I am, but still, I think that it is less hurtful than the alternative. Here's why. If God does care, if He does, in fact, love me, then how disappointed He must be. Disappointment from others is something I can not stand. Nothing makes me feel more like a failure than when I disappoint. So, yet another hurdle I will have to jump over someday.