And She's Back

Ok, can I just say how wearisome I find the roller coaster that is my life. Two days ago I was great. Today, no, not so much. Why? Who the heck knows. Maybe I sort of know. How do you remain balanced when life throws insanity at you from all directions? Family issues beyond any semblance of normalcy. My past being thrown in my face. Friendships in rocky territory. And a God I am trying so hard to trust but who just continues to confuse me greatly. I get it, I'll never understand Him, but freak it is hard to trust Him when life is so contrary to the good that I am supposed to be believing in. That's the point though, I know, trust Him in spite of what I see, but how very hard that is for me.

My brother's wife is having a girl. Why? God only knows. I feel sick about it. What do I do. Call CPS and tell them he will probably sexually abuse his child? Doubt that will fly. Wait for him to molest her? I can't live with that. Shut myself off from the situation? Completely selfish. I have no idea where to go with that.

The doctors have decided my mother's post chemo issues aren't nueropathy after all but instead Multiple Sclerosis. Have I called her even to say I'm sorry for her much less just talk? Absolutely not. Why? Because I am selfish and inconsiderate.

Am I pulling away from my friends because I am mad at them? Probably not. Probably because I am catching the first glimpses of my disappointing them, so why not run now before they have a chance to grow tired of me and walk away. It felt yesterday that I was mad. Now, I think I am just looking out for number 1. Selfish, yet again.

And then there's me. How easy it is for me to walk right back in to being me. Ok, it isn't that easy because I don't want to go where I'm heading. Yet, it is so hard to fight the fear and press on. Not to mention exhausting. Oh yeah, and did I mention I have a saviour complex? It seems as though I am a tad codependent. Turns out that is selfish too. A way to take back the power that was stolen from me so very long ago.

It will get better, right?

He Delights In Me!

Psalm 18:19 "He brought me out into a spacious place;
he rescued me because he delighted in me."

I went to the Beth Moore Simulcast today and it was amazing! First off, amazing because it joined women, thousands of miles apart, in corporate worship for over five hours today. From Canada to Michigan, California to Texas, all the way down to Mexico City. That is astounding to me. Secondly, because God spoke and how can you not be floored by that?

Beth was speaking about God's deliverance, an expansion of sorts on her new book "Get Out of That Pit." Perhaps I forgot to mention it, but that is the book I have been studying with my small group on Sunday mornings. It has a study guide in the back so we read two chapters a week and answer the questions and then discuss them together on Sundays. It has been great so far so I was really excited about the simulcast.

There was so much she said today that really stirred something in me, but I think what I am really trying to let marinate is the verse I began with, Psalm 18:19. He delivers me, rescues me....whatever, not because He has to. He doesn't do it to shut me up, He doesn't do it with frustration, thinking, 'Here I go again.' He rescues me because He delights in me. How encouraging that is. Encouraging is an understatement.

I believe that my walk in Christ has made progress by leaps and bounds over the past six months. I believe, without doubt, that He is working in my life. Even things that have hung me up for years and years are beginning to be replaced with God's truth in my life...in my brain. I believe, however, that I still have great strides that must be made in transforming my heart so that it lines up with God's truth versus my ingrained lies. Is that my brain or my heart, I don't know. But it is still far removed from where I and God would like for it to be.

So, while I love that verse and all that it means, the fact of the matter is, it won't change my life, really, until it permeates my heart. Until I believe with all that is in me, that God is not disappointed in me. He isn't waiting for me to get my act together. He doesn't wish I could do this better or that not at all. He didn't save me because He's God, thus love, thus had a responsibility to His own character to do so. He rescues me because He delights in me. So far, all I know to do in order to make myself believe that is to just keep reminding myself that it's true and consistently reminding God that I simply can't do it alone...not because He forgets, mind you, but because I so often do. If there is some other way, I'd love to know it, but I'm not sure there is. I guess the fact that I realize this, that I am willing to do this, and that I am believing there is a point to it....well, that's growth. And I'm convinced, or at least keep trying to convince myself, that as long as I am in the process, He is pleased with me.

Whew

You will all be relieved to know that it wasn't necessarily a psycho. Apparently one of my neighbors may have just been on the same frequency as me so whatever they did to their DVR actually ended up on mine. Whew, Grey's Anatomy is safe once again!

Satellite Psycho

The weekend is over. While this saddens me greatly, at least it was a good weekend. A busy weekend, but a good one. I'm wishing I were still in bed asleep instead of sitting here at work, but we don't always get what we want now do we!

I think someone is stealing satellite service through my satellite box. Sounds so 'conspiracy theoryish.' I have one box that feeds two t.v.s and both 'users' can record using the DVR. So I have all my programs set to record at the time they air and the DVR just switches from user 1 to user 2 to accommodate all the recordings. Well.....Shows are disappearing. The recordings get stopped by 'user 2' when I am nowhere near my house. And new recordings are showing up mysteriously. Including "Marie Claire," a show on the Hispanic channel all in Spanish. No, I did not set that up to record. So, as much as I hate to sound like a paranoid freak, there is definitely something fishy going on. I wouldn't care all that much except that when I got home Thursday night I selected the DVR, anxiously awaiting to see if Meredith had drown, there was no Grey's Anatomy recording. It had been stopped and though I am sure I am not an addict, I was livid.

How do you find out if you have a satellite thief?? Not a clue, maybe I should call the company. But I am sure afraid they are going to think I am a raving lunatic. Grey's is worth sacrificing my dignity, though. I must have my Grey's.

Valentines Shmalentines

That's all I have to say about that!

Growth

Seriously, I had a great day. I joined the church, my class was fantastic, the sermon was moving, I had a great day.

I have been struggling lately with sharing input in groups and even just in my accountability group when someone is having an issue. The fact of the matter is, I have a lot of knowledge. Biblical knowledge, so I know it is truth. I don't say that to brag, at all, but to let you know where my struggle is. I often times say nothing for fear of sounding hypocritical. For instance, in my Thursday night group we talked about our false beliefs. We each took turns writing them on huge pieces of paper hanging on the walls. Then we went through them and were asked what the truth to those statements are. I said nothing. Not because I don't know, just because I feel like a liar. I am afraid that if I share my knowledge, even though I know it is God's truth in any given situation, that because I struggle with believing it than I have no right to say it. Well, one thing my pastor said this morning was this, "Just because I don't always do it perfectly, does that mean I can't preach it, no. Because it isn't my word, it's God's word." God's word is truth no matter what. And, I think a lot of times God is speaking even to me when I share His truth with someone else. Hopefully that makes sense.

This morning during worship I couldn't help but feel overwhelming gratitude. I see God working in my life. I see how far He has brought me. I thought about where I was one year ago today and the difference is flat out amazing. I am thankful that He has lead me thus far and grateful, too, that He has allowed me to see that growth. This is new territory for me, but I like it, a lot!

Cutest Four Year Old Ever

I seriously adore this little boy! He came over last night, suitcase in tow, for a one night stay. He is the funniest, most handsome little dude I know. This morning as he was eating breakfast he stopped abruptly and said, "Hey, where's my kiss?" We argue about who loves each other more. I told him I thought he was pretty cute to which he replied, "I think you're pretty pretty." And the jeans he wore last night he refers to as his "hot, hot, hottie jeans." How can I not love him to pieces. I don't think I could adore him more if he were my very own. That's all I've got, just wanted to brag a little!

The Call

I made the call. I was scared, I mumbled, I tripped over my own words.....but I made the call. He said my assumptions were wrong. He said they were irrational. But, he said it with kindness and understanding. When I said rationalism wasn't my forte, he said no that isn't it, it's our human nature. We all make assumptions based on what we think someone's reaction to us means. Even him. He said he was glad I called because I needed to so he could set my mind at ease. And, he said I could join the church. So, however unpleasant, it was a good call, a necessary call and a worthwhile call.

My group was not so great tonight. I guess it was fine, I just wasn't that great in it. Now I'm disappointed in myself. Perhaps I should just be content with one good and healthy act per day.

Can you tell by reading this that I am so exhausted I can barely see straight. I can tell by my typing. I am going to try really hard to make myself pass out now. Maybe I will NyQuil myself to sleep.

The Email

ok, item two. Let me start by saying, do we all remember that confrontation and I don't get along?

So, if you remember back to August, you will recall that I met with my pastor and he thought it better for me to not yet join the church. Fast forward to September and remember I emailed him some Biblical questions to which he responded it would take too long to explain but I could borrow one of his books. Then we move to October when I found out about my brother. The bad day of all bad days. This is the day that I called him in tears and he said he was really busy and going out of town, could I call back next week.

All that history to say this, I emailed him on Sunday to let him know I needed to meet with him about some issues. Actually I asked if he minded if I spoke candidly through email and if he did mind than could we set up a meeting. I figure that way if my fears of what he must think of me are true than he wouldn't have to worry about a face to face meeting not to mention the fact that email sure would be easier on me.

He still hasn't responded. Can you say 'validate my negative feelings, why don't ya?'

My desire, of course, is sweep it under the rug, stick my head in the sand, let it go, move on, forget about it....you know anything that says AVOID. But, my accountability sisters say, no ma'am. So, my job is to call him tomorrow. I am not looking forward to that, just so you know. I want it to be enough that I emailed him....I know it isn't.


And it's bedtime again, so I will try for more tomorrow night.

A little Bit of Something....or Nothing

ok, I'm frustrated because it is dark-thirty and I just got home and I'm exhausted so I still can't post what I wanted to.

It never ceases to amaze me how unknowingly I allow satan to craftily do his job. It is as though I can go from perfectly fine to the depths of sadness in an instant, literally.

I wish I could type more, but I'm really so tired. I will say this, trying to recognize all of my false beliefs is harder than I thought. Coming up with Biblical truth to refute them all is even harder. But at least I'm working on it and that has to count for something.

My counselor wants me to do this thing with her. She calls it progressive relaxation, I call it terrifying. She is astounded that I am so afraid of it, so she wanted me to try and figure out what causes me so much pause with it. My first realization is hypervigilence. If I am not on my guard, I am open for attack. If I am attacked because I let my guard down, well, than it's my own fault. Even when I sink into my t.v. for hours at a time, I am astutely aware of all that is going on around me. Relaxing just hasn't been an option.

She wants me to practice 'meditating' three minutes a day concentrating on an affirmation. The one she told me to use is "help me feel your love" or something of that nature, as a prayer to God. So I thought, I can do this. Saturday night I tried it, breathing deeply, repeating that prayer to God and after a couple minutes I was inundated with overwhelming emotion. All the things I keep avoiding, trying not to think about so I don't have to deal with them, don't have to feel them. And I was just floored. The tightness in my chest, feeling like I can't breathe. Once all those things well up in me, I can't process, I just feel terrified and an ache to run and hide. So, I have realized that this too is reason relaxation is so very scary for me. I'm terrified of losing control. Terrified of being overwhelmed. Terrified of drowning beneath the weight of all that is inside me.

That's all I can do tonight. I have to put myself to bed now.

Too Sleepy

Man, I fully intended on typing a new post tonight. Well, technically I am, but not the one I intended. I wanted to tell you all about my weekend and new revelations and my new Sunday morning Bible Study.......even my Super Bowl party. But alas, it is really late now and I have to get up at dark-thirty for work. So, since my eyes are burning and my fingers slowing, I suppose I should carry myself on up to bed. I really want to tell you though. Oh yeah, and about the email I wrote in a huge step that I have said innumerable times over the past five months that I would so not ever take. Well, at least I've got your attention, right?? We call this a teaser. ;) I will write tomorrow night after accountability.....oh yeah, and what we are doing tomorrow night at accountability. See, I have so much to tell. But....I.....need.....sleep.........

The Animal

The good news is, I got a kickin' new vacuum. The bad news is, this is how full it was half way through my living room. I am a dirty, dirty girl.

So Tiny

I don't think I've ever seen a tinier foot. A friend of a friend had twins on Wednesday. They were 15 weeks early weighing a whopping 2 lbs and 1 lb 10oz. I can't even fathom. They are doing ok, but it will be a long road home, for sure. I was just astounded by this picture and thought I'd share it. Their names are Alec and Elijah if you want to remember these sweet baby boys in your prayers.

Cut

As is my habit, I have a new favorite song.....

"Cut" by Plumb


I'm not a stranger
no i am yours
with crippled anger
and tears that still drip sore

a fragile frame aged
with misery
and when our eyes meet
i know you see

i do not want to be afraid
i do not want to die inside just to breathe in
i'm tired of feeling so numb
relief exists i find it when
i am cut

i may seem crazy
or painfully shy
and these scars wouldn't be so hidden
if you would just look me in the eye
i feel alone here and cold here
no i don't want to die
but the only anesthetic that makes me feel anything kills inside

i do not want to be afraid
i do not want to die inside just to breathe in
i'm tired of feeling so numb
relief exists i find it when
i am cut

pain

i am not alone
i am not alone

i'm not a stranger
no i am yours
with crippled anger
and tears that still drip sore

but i do not want to be afraid
i do not want to die inside just to breathe in
i'm tired of feeling so numb
relief exists i found it when
i was cut

I realize it doesn't sound that happy, per se, and well, I guess it isn't. It is, however, real. And it convinces me that I am not alone, even when I feel it so strongly. Our study this week for my group was about false beliefs. Anyone who has read much of my blog knows that I am quite experienced when it comes to believing lies. The meeting tonight was hard. Sad and hard. It sometimes astounds me how very hard it is for me to voice things. Whether it be the horrid things I believe about myself, or the truth that I know to be true yet impossible to believe. Speaking it is so hard for me. I don't know why. I'm frustrated. I'm sad. I am not looking forward to this weeks assignment. We are sticking with this chapter and since we already did the lessons, this week we have to make a list of every false belief that we hold. That part I can probably do, but then we are supposed to find the truths that contradict each of those beliefs. Makes me wish I didn't believe quite so many lies.

I will say this. Never in my life have I been undoubtedly aware of something that God was telling me to do. Until now. I have absolutely no doubt that God wants me in this group, even though I would so rather not be. I just keep telling Him that I can't, but I know He wants me in this, so He has to carry me through. In the beginning I was asking for His help to get me through, but it has not taken me long to realize that it won't be enough. He is going to have to do it for me. I will do the work, I will show up, I will give everything I have to give. But, if He doesn't carry me through than all hope is lost, I simply can not do it on my own.

I bet He is happy to hear that.