Cut

As is my habit, I have a new favorite song.....

"Cut" by Plumb


I'm not a stranger
no i am yours
with crippled anger
and tears that still drip sore

a fragile frame aged
with misery
and when our eyes meet
i know you see

i do not want to be afraid
i do not want to die inside just to breathe in
i'm tired of feeling so numb
relief exists i find it when
i am cut

i may seem crazy
or painfully shy
and these scars wouldn't be so hidden
if you would just look me in the eye
i feel alone here and cold here
no i don't want to die
but the only anesthetic that makes me feel anything kills inside

i do not want to be afraid
i do not want to die inside just to breathe in
i'm tired of feeling so numb
relief exists i find it when
i am cut

pain

i am not alone
i am not alone

i'm not a stranger
no i am yours
with crippled anger
and tears that still drip sore

but i do not want to be afraid
i do not want to die inside just to breathe in
i'm tired of feeling so numb
relief exists i found it when
i was cut

I realize it doesn't sound that happy, per se, and well, I guess it isn't. It is, however, real. And it convinces me that I am not alone, even when I feel it so strongly. Our study this week for my group was about false beliefs. Anyone who has read much of my blog knows that I am quite experienced when it comes to believing lies. The meeting tonight was hard. Sad and hard. It sometimes astounds me how very hard it is for me to voice things. Whether it be the horrid things I believe about myself, or the truth that I know to be true yet impossible to believe. Speaking it is so hard for me. I don't know why. I'm frustrated. I'm sad. I am not looking forward to this weeks assignment. We are sticking with this chapter and since we already did the lessons, this week we have to make a list of every false belief that we hold. That part I can probably do, but then we are supposed to find the truths that contradict each of those beliefs. Makes me wish I didn't believe quite so many lies.

I will say this. Never in my life have I been undoubtedly aware of something that God was telling me to do. Until now. I have absolutely no doubt that God wants me in this group, even though I would so rather not be. I just keep telling Him that I can't, but I know He wants me in this, so He has to carry me through. In the beginning I was asking for His help to get me through, but it has not taken me long to realize that it won't be enough. He is going to have to do it for me. I will do the work, I will show up, I will give everything I have to give. But, if He doesn't carry me through than all hope is lost, I simply can not do it on my own.

I bet He is happy to hear that.