Into the Depths: Letting Go

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Letting Go

My grandmother passed away Saturday night. My mom's mother. My grandmother and I were never close but after she told me, at age thirteen, that I was going to hell, well I just didn't have a good feeling left for her. My issue is that I think I feel sad that she died. I feel unentitled to that grief. Plus, why do I feel sad? I didn't like her. I haven't seen her in six years. I guess I am just confused. I am not sure how I should feel or what I do feel or why I feel it. Perhaps it is sadness at the loss of the relationship that could have been. I think sometimes when people grow up in chaos some part of them clings to the fantasy of the relationships that could have been. I know, consciously, that my grandmother and I would never have that 'dream' relationship. But I guess maybe it goes back to that little girl inside me, again, who still believes in fairy tales. And now that she is gone I have to accept the reality that it could never be. I may be over analyzing just a tad, but I'm good at that.


Blogger LiteratureLover said...

I'm so sorry. The loss of a dream is sometimes more painful than death.

January 17, 2007 2:51 PM  
Blogger heartsjoy said...

Ohh, sweet little girl, I'm sorry.

January 21, 2007 10:18 PM  

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