Lift My Eyes
Let me start by saying that I find myself being astoundingly grateful for people who won't let me run and hide, even when I desperately feel the need to.
With that said, I have been feeling the need to run and hide. I have been sad. I have been frustrated. I have had no idea why. Through this I am learning how very out of touch with my own feelings I really am. I have all this craziness going on inside me and I have no idea where it is coming from. I realize that I still have issues, I get that. However, my life is no different this week than it was last week, so why the deep, dark, ominous feelings now? I don't know.
I have been praying for God to search me. Not that He needs to search, but that is what the Psalm says. I want to know what is going on, why I am feeling so dark. I can't pinpoint even exactly what I feel, much less where the feelings are coming from. Tonight, as I drove to Life Group, I was listening to a song called "I Will Lift My Eyes." I like the song, I love to sing it. Tonight I couldn't sing it because each time it would get to this one line I would reach the verge of tears and have to stop. By the time I got where I was going I couldn't even stop the tears, they were just falling out of my eyes. WHY? I don't know. The line says 'I will lift my eyes to the healer of the hurt I hold inside.' Was I crying because I hurt, because I want to be healed, because I feel unhealable. I don't know.
Here are the two issues that I think are perhaps causing the chaos, though I am not positive. First, my brother and the child he is expecting. Originally, my plan was just to have no part of this child's life. I don't see my brother, ever, if at all possible. So, not seeing the child would go hand and hand. My brother isn't allowed to holidays and such because we believe the children's safety to be most important. Plus, we don't like him. Here is where my issue with that scenario begins. Even if my brother never lays a hand on his child, I will have hurt and rejected and abused that child. It will be impossible for the kid to not know that he/she has twelve cousins. Cousins who get together at every birthday and holiday and typically many times in between. What am I doing to that child by not allowing him/her. What overwhelming rejection that child will feel if he/she is never included. Just as I feel it from the abuse I experienced, that child, too, will wonder, 'what is wrong with me?' If we do allow him/her to come and take part, how do I live with wondering each time I look at them what could possibly be going on at home. Mucho stress. I feel conflicted, confused, and quite frankly, afraid.
Secondly, my mother. She has been in a rehabilitation hospital here in Fort Worth for a little over a week now. I have gone to see her once. We're talking a ten minute drive here. I am not purposely not seeing her. I keep meaning to and something, however insignificant, keeps coming up. I don't know why. I don't know why I can't just make myself go. I don't feel anger toward her really, at least not consuming amounts. I want to go see her even, but I don't. So, I have tried analyzing why that is. I'm not sure. I think part of it is that I am afraid. I am afraid of one of two things happening. Either she will do something, say something, whatever, that hurts me, thus hurdling me back to square one with her. Or, and probably more likely, our relationship will begin to grow. I think the 'what if' is what is really hindering me. What if we begin to develop a relationship like I never dreamed my mother and I could have. You know, that of a mother and her daughter. And then, she's dead. How do I get over that. How do I get past the fear of what may be and decide that it would be worth it, however short a time we get to share it. I don't know.
So, I guess that is where I am. Sad and confused.
"I Will Lift My Eyes"
By Bebo Norman
Oh God my God, I cry out,
Your beloved needs you now.
God be near and calm my fear,
And take my doubt.
Your kindness is what pulls me up,
Your love is all that draws me in.
I will lift my eyes to the Maker
Of the mountains I can't climb.
I will lift my eyes to the Calmer
Of the oceans raging wild.
I will lift my eyes to the Healer
Of the hurt I hold inside.
I will lift my eyes, lift my eyes to You.
God, my God let mercy sing
A melody over me.
God right here all I bring
Is all of me.
Cause you are and you were and you will be forever,
The Lover I need to save me.
Cause you fashioned the earth and you hold it together, God,
So hold me now.
I will lift my eyes to the Maker
Of the mountains I can't climb.
I will lift my eyes to the Calmer
Of the oceans raging wild.
I will lift my eyes to the Healer
Of the hurt I hold inside.
I will lift my eyes, lift my eyes to You.
With that said, I have been feeling the need to run and hide. I have been sad. I have been frustrated. I have had no idea why. Through this I am learning how very out of touch with my own feelings I really am. I have all this craziness going on inside me and I have no idea where it is coming from. I realize that I still have issues, I get that. However, my life is no different this week than it was last week, so why the deep, dark, ominous feelings now? I don't know.
I have been praying for God to search me. Not that He needs to search, but that is what the Psalm says. I want to know what is going on, why I am feeling so dark. I can't pinpoint even exactly what I feel, much less where the feelings are coming from. Tonight, as I drove to Life Group, I was listening to a song called "I Will Lift My Eyes." I like the song, I love to sing it. Tonight I couldn't sing it because each time it would get to this one line I would reach the verge of tears and have to stop. By the time I got where I was going I couldn't even stop the tears, they were just falling out of my eyes. WHY? I don't know. The line says 'I will lift my eyes to the healer of the hurt I hold inside.' Was I crying because I hurt, because I want to be healed, because I feel unhealable. I don't know.
Here are the two issues that I think are perhaps causing the chaos, though I am not positive. First, my brother and the child he is expecting. Originally, my plan was just to have no part of this child's life. I don't see my brother, ever, if at all possible. So, not seeing the child would go hand and hand. My brother isn't allowed to holidays and such because we believe the children's safety to be most important. Plus, we don't like him. Here is where my issue with that scenario begins. Even if my brother never lays a hand on his child, I will have hurt and rejected and abused that child. It will be impossible for the kid to not know that he/she has twelve cousins. Cousins who get together at every birthday and holiday and typically many times in between. What am I doing to that child by not allowing him/her. What overwhelming rejection that child will feel if he/she is never included. Just as I feel it from the abuse I experienced, that child, too, will wonder, 'what is wrong with me?' If we do allow him/her to come and take part, how do I live with wondering each time I look at them what could possibly be going on at home. Mucho stress. I feel conflicted, confused, and quite frankly, afraid.
Secondly, my mother. She has been in a rehabilitation hospital here in Fort Worth for a little over a week now. I have gone to see her once. We're talking a ten minute drive here. I am not purposely not seeing her. I keep meaning to and something, however insignificant, keeps coming up. I don't know why. I don't know why I can't just make myself go. I don't feel anger toward her really, at least not consuming amounts. I want to go see her even, but I don't. So, I have tried analyzing why that is. I'm not sure. I think part of it is that I am afraid. I am afraid of one of two things happening. Either she will do something, say something, whatever, that hurts me, thus hurdling me back to square one with her. Or, and probably more likely, our relationship will begin to grow. I think the 'what if' is what is really hindering me. What if we begin to develop a relationship like I never dreamed my mother and I could have. You know, that of a mother and her daughter. And then, she's dead. How do I get over that. How do I get past the fear of what may be and decide that it would be worth it, however short a time we get to share it. I don't know.
So, I guess that is where I am. Sad and confused.
"I Will Lift My Eyes"
By Bebo Norman
Oh God my God, I cry out,
Your beloved needs you now.
God be near and calm my fear,
And take my doubt.
Your kindness is what pulls me up,
Your love is all that draws me in.
I will lift my eyes to the Maker
Of the mountains I can't climb.
I will lift my eyes to the Calmer
Of the oceans raging wild.
I will lift my eyes to the Healer
Of the hurt I hold inside.
I will lift my eyes, lift my eyes to You.
God, my God let mercy sing
A melody over me.
God right here all I bring
Is all of me.
Cause you are and you were and you will be forever,
The Lover I need to save me.
Cause you fashioned the earth and you hold it together, God,
So hold me now.
I will lift my eyes to the Maker
Of the mountains I can't climb.
I will lift my eyes to the Calmer
Of the oceans raging wild.
I will lift my eyes to the Healer
Of the hurt I hold inside.
I will lift my eyes, lift my eyes to You.
posted by Bttrfly1976 at 10:01 PM
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4 Comments:
Those two things are huge! I think they are definitely pressing enough to cry about. I am amazed at your wisdom about your brother's child. It's only natural to want to run and stay away from something that hurts you. So the fact that you're even considering that little one is quite mature.
As far as your mother, my husband experienced something similar to you. His father had a brain tumor the second year of our marriage. It changed his father and they had the kind of relationship they'd never had. For one year. Then he was gone. The heartbreak was extra painful because of that. But if you asked my husband if it was worth it, he would say yes.
No matter when it happens, her death will be painful either way. It might be more rewarding if there was something there to hold onto.
All that said, I've never had to walk through that myself so please take my advice with a grain of salt. You are the one who knows what you can and cannot handle. I'm praying for you.
I adore you, LL. I appreciate your sweet and encouraging words. And just so you know, I consider you to be a rather wise woman, thus I always take what you say to heart. It doesn't matter that you haven't walked through it. When you don't know something you say so, when you don't know firsthand you say so. I trust what you say and believe it comes with the sincerest and best of intentions. You and your sis are smart girls, I will always listen to what you have to say.
Wow. Thank you for those VERY kind words.
You're more than welcome!
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