Into the Depths: Ungratefully Procrastinating Trust

Sunday, November 05, 2006

Ungratefully Procrastinating Trust

Well, here it is again, Sunday night. I can't blame Sunday this week. So, I won't. We didn't have support group this morning b/c the other lady in the group was sick. I am seriously beginning to wonder if there is some good reason I can't seem to make it to week four in this darn study. My first class was September 10. Hello, it's November and I have yet to get to number four. That's just sad. So, since I was there at 9 with nothing else to do, I went to the early church service. The pastor spoke about trusting God. Not something I needed to hear, of course. (that was a joke, just in case you didn't get it.) Seriously though, it was good. He talked about idolatry, which as I'm sure you know, is when we worship (or depend on) anything other than God. He talked about why some don't trust God, which is because we don't know God. Sure, we are saved, but we don't really know the true and living God. We know the caricature painted of Him throughout our lives. So very often, though, that is far from the truth about who God really is. It is certainly that way for me, anyway. And finally, he spoke about what we can do to trust God more. Ok, done with the preaching for now.

As I lay in bed last night chatting with God, I found myself asking what in the world is going on with me. Have I shut down with out even knowing it. Is this me being uncomfortable with a lack of serious crises. Am I perfectly fine and I should just stop worrying about it. I just don't know. And this is what came to mind. Get up and go write your letter. I guess I should have prefaced by telling you that my homework for therapy was to write a letter to my brother, which I have of course procrastinated for almost two weeks now. So, arguing with God or myself, not sure which, the whole time, I got up, found some paper and a pen, and started to write. It wasn't pleasant. I don't think it was very nice either, and I spent more time crying than writing, but it's done now. I was thinking of posting it, but honestly, I am scared to go back and read it. I just wrote, didn't think about it, didn't care what I said, just wrote. So, I am a little frightened about going back and reading it now.

I am not sure where I was going with that, except to say, I guess, that at least I am not completely shut down. On the other hand, at church today, I was a hundred percent withdrawn. I don't know what is going on. Perhaps I should quit thinking about it. Or, perhaps I should figure out what the heck is going on. I don't know.

You know, I am so overwhelmingly ungrateful. I was driving today and went past a neighborhood that wasn't a place I would ever want to live in. I have lived in that kind of neighborhood, but I never want to go back. A woman in a truck was pulling out while I was passing and I was thinking, I wonder what is going on in her life- I do that sometimes. I thought, I bet she has things to complain about. I bet she has things to be bitter and angry about. As I drive by in my big SUV headed to my house that is barely two years old. And I thought, I am so ungrateful. I passed by a woman panhandling on the side of the road last week. Well actually, I was stopped at a light and she was right outside my window. Not by my car, just sitting there on the grass, looking so...worn. She broke my heart. I tried to imagine where she must have been in her forty or so years of life. Where she must have had to journey through to bring her to this spot. The lines on her face and the weariness that flooded her eyes spoke volumes. So I gave her what little cash I had with me and drove on. And thought, how very ungrateful I am. Tonight I'm watching Extreme Makeover Home Edition. I know it is always a cry fest. You can't have a free new house unless your story is a tear jerker, I get that. But tonight it is about a little girl with a heart condition, which is sad, sure. But what got me is a song the little girl wrote while in the hospital for her last surgery. It speaks of the concern for her parents, and making sure they know she loves them just in case she dies. Again my thoughts, I am so ungrateful. I have the same issue reading this blog. I can't imagine being that mother, and I can't imagine so faithfully clinging to the sovereign God as my baby struggles for her life. I am so ungrateful.

That's all I've got. I hate the time change. It's 7:30 and it feels closer to midnight. Ok, night.


Blogger LiteratureLover said...

Wow. Thanks for "preaching". I needed to hear it. I am awed by you for writing that letter. I'm sure it took a lot and maybe it lifted a load off. I hope so. I know what you mean about being withdrawn, and wondering why even in the moment I do it. I hate that. Thanks for sharing.

November 05, 2006 10:47 PM  

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