www.flickr.com
Into the Depths: Waging War

Monday, October 16, 2006

Waging War

Here I am.

I'm better, really I am. It was a LONG week. It will continue to be long, I believe. Yet, I am better, for now. I mentioned I am a roller coaster, right?

Despite not completely healthy behavior, I did continue to fight, internally, at least. It sucked, I felt like I was drowning beneath the weight of my fear, struggle and pain. But, I didn't drown.

I struggled with who God is. I struggled with who I am. I struggled with who other people should be in relation to me and my struggle with God. I struggled a lot, but that is the point. I struggled. I continue to struggle. And, that is life. A struggle that is painful and hard and sometimes seemingly overwhelming, yet, we have to keep struggling.

Shayne and Robin, you were right. It gets too painful and I pull the plug. I run, I hide, I do whatever it takes to make it stop because in my distorted brain, I just know that the pain will destroy me. But it didn't. And I didn't give up. I didn't run, though I tried. Am still trying, but I am also trying, equally if not more so, to not run. So, the battle continues. The terrified me wars with the determined me. The exhausted me fights with the complacent me. The lazy me fights with the strong willed me. God wars with satan FOR me. For me?? That blows my mind.

I am reading a book called Captivating. Last night I read that God is passionately in love with me. God's enemy passionately hates me. That is not new to me, and yet, if I allow myself to believe it, it is more than profound. If I allow myself to rest in it, it is life altering.

Yesterday, in church, a man spoke about what we call ourselves. Stupid, worthless, flawed, dirty, unforgivable, unlovable, unchangeable, hopeless.....those are a few of mine. And then he said, Jesus calls you none of those. He only calls me His Beloved. Of course my brain automatically retorted with 'impossible.' He can't love me. He couldn't cherish someone so hideous. He couldn't forgive something so horrid. And simultaneously, my heart said this:
The Lord your God is with you.
He is mighty to SAVE.
He will take great delight in YOU.
He will Quiet you with His LOVE.
He will rejoice over YOU with singing.

I didn't even notice anything more than the war then. Today, however, I reflect on the two armies. God and His enemy in a full fledged war for ME. Again, I am astounded.

I called a friend from church last night, still in the throes of this battle. I don't think she told me anything different from what I have been told by her before. But, somehow I haven't even grasped yet, she validated me. She told me that she knows I am trying. She told me that I have every reason in the world to be angry. She told me that it is ok that I am a huge mess. I am digging up things that have been buried my whole life, of course I am a mess. Like I said, nothing new, and yet, overwhelmingly validating. I don't know what made that conversation different. Perhaps my heart was open to hearing from God instead of making people agree with me about how horrible I am.

She also made me say, out loud, the truth that I believe about myself. (see list above for details.) Then, she made me say, again out loud, that must be stressed, God's truth about me. And though it took me much longer to say the second list, and perhaps it wasn't as lengthy, but it made a difference to speak it. And I will tell you, though I know this isn't permanent, I didn't have to war on this issue today. I would think about it and the negative truths I would cling to didn't even come to mind. I know them, but they didn't bombard. They didn't invade. I am aware that they will be back, but I can not express to you the refreshing feeling it was to spend a day not at war inside my own head.

That is all I have for the moment. By the way, as anyone would assume, Beth Moore was awesome.

7 Comments:

Anonymous Beth said...

So beautiful. It is wonderful to see my prayers being answered. You comment on my blog meant so much to me. Thank you....

As ever and always...praying!!

October 16, 2006 11:34 PM  
Blogger Shayne said...

Stephanie,

I don't post on here just so I can get some sort of gratification. I post on here because you have stirred my heart.

My post to you the other day about the splinter was not meant in any way to accuse you of anything...if I point my finger at you I've got three pointing back at me right??

Trust me, any observation I make about you, I've already made about my own self. Many, many, many times over.

October 17, 2006 7:47 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Stephanie,
Good Morning Butterfly. This is Robin. We are all Roller costers. But their come a time in our maturity where we learn how to slow it down(let God be God)WE learn to level out the dips (God's word and spirit fills). Praise God for your friend. Take the enemy's lies and nail them to the cross with the Truth's that the word says about you.
Did you every think that the enemy is coming against you because you are a threat to him. Remember this the enemy can only use what we give him. You talked about struggles, this is what the Lord showed about 2 yrs ago: A square peg in a round hole. I send my worker to re-shape you. But the words you say over and about yourself cause you to sharpen and stiffen your edges once again. If you will quit fighting and let God be God then instead of a square peg in a round hole, it will be like hand in glove.
Beth Moore is always awsome!
Praying always

October 17, 2006 7:49 AM  
Blogger LiteratureLover said...

So glad to hear you are waging the war. What a great perspective. I will continue to pray.

October 17, 2006 10:34 AM  
Blogger Bttrfly1976 said...

Shayne, I didn't feel accused!

October 17, 2006 5:40 PM  
Blogger Shayne said...

Ok, just checking! Sometimes in my neurotic little mind, I take stuff people say and totally twist it into something it was never meant to be. Don't worry though, I'm going through counseling and I should be getting better sometime before Jesus gets back.

October 18, 2006 9:21 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

HI Butterfly girl,
This is Robin. I am posting this under waging war, because I thing it fits. I read this in a devotional this morning. The book is by Ken & Gloria Copeland, call Pursuit of his presence. Great book you should pick it up if you can. The verse they use is “walk by faith and not by sight”. The story they used is about a pilot in training during ww2. He was on the runway about to take flight, waiting for the OK from the tower, when he seen his buddy coming in for a landing. Something went wrong and his buddy flipped the plane, crashed and it went up in flames. He thought to himself surely we wouldn’t fly today. His instructor and superior asked son what are you waiting on, their a war going on out their. So the pilot taxied thru the smoke and out into the blue sky. What I want to point out in this is there were two totally different perspectives in that plane. One drew on pain and fear, and the other drew on maturity and experience. Great lesson and yes, I am still walking this one out.
Praying always

October 19, 2006 2:04 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home