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Into the Depths: No Fight Left

Friday, October 13, 2006

No Fight Left

I am in that place I go sometimes. Part of me wants to fight to get out, part of me just doesn't care. The one good thing about being here is that it makes my diet very easy for me. Of course other people wouldn't like it, but so what. I am going to see a live taping of Beth Moore tonight and tomorrow, maybe that will help snap me out of it. Maybe not. I so just want to quit. I don't go two steps forward, three steps back. I go half an inch forward and thirty seven miles back. Hard to make any progress that way. I feel as though I have fallen apart. Like nothing can ever make me whole. Like this whole thing is a waste of my time. If God wanted me near, He'd let me get there, right? Sometimes, though I know it is a lie, I believe that God sits and watches me draw a little closer, then a little more. And the instant I think I am actually making progress in that direction, He slaps the shit out of me. When I regain composure I realize I am further away than when I started. What is the point.

7 Comments:

Blogger Shayne said...

Sometimes, Stephanie, you remind me of my kids. I'm not saying you're acting like a kid or anything like that. But the pain you are in and your questions about God....it just reminds me sometimes of my relationship with my kids.

I remember this one time my son got a horrible splinter in his foot. It was so huge, how he managed to walk around on it I don't know...but walk around he did. Until it started to get red and infected. He had been so afraid of the pain I would have to cause him to get the splinter out that he decided just to live with what he had. But then it really started to look very red and angry.

I'll never forget the day I finally got it out of him. His father had to hold him down. My son was flailing and screaming in pain and fear. I was crying because I could hear the fear in his voice, but nothing I said, nothing I did could relieve it. All I could do was grab hold of him and do what I had to do. It hurt him a lot. It hurt me worse.

I see you like that. You've got this horrible, horrible wound and it's gotten infected. God is there and has what you need to be healed, but you're so afraid of what's going to happen...what it's going to cost you. You're screaming and flailing and so very afraid. Oh sweetie, if you could just look up and see the tenderness in Your heavenly Father's face. If you could just see the tears rolling down His cheeks because He hears your cries, but can do nothing until you make the decision to lie still and allow Him access to you. Until you trust Him with your hurt, your anger and disappointment in Him, your guilt and hatred toward yourself...sweetie it's just going to continue.

I know you know this. Sometimes we just need to be reminded. I'm praying for you, and I pray that God will speak to you again tonight during the Beth Moore taping. Peace to you, Stephanie.

October 13, 2006 10:41 AM  
Blogger LiteratureLover said...

You are able to write things so clearly. You're like a artist with words. I almost feel like I'm in the depths of despair with you as I read your post.

Your pain is deep right now. So I think that makes it even more courageous of you to go to the Beth Moore taping. To me, that says you haven't given up on God, but that you are greatly shaken.

I am praying for you.

October 13, 2006 11:25 AM  
Blogger Paulette said...

My Therapist has always said it gets worse before it gets better and she is right. You just have to trust God Stephanie, and you have to trust the words of the ones God sends into your life to support you.
Shayne could not have put it any better. What she said is exactly what you are going through. Everything in you is so stirred up right now but that is how it is supposed to be. Now you just have to know what to do with all the pain without letting it harm you.
When things get this tough Stephanie Just tell God to take it. He will and dont take it back, move to the next stage.
I know where you are and what your struggling with, it is tough, but God is bigger and he hasn't gone anywhere, trust me.
Love you and am praying for you. If you wanna do dinner let me know.

October 13, 2006 11:47 AM  
Anonymous Beth said...

Have you ever stopped to think that it's actually Satan knocking the sh*t out of you and not God?

October 13, 2006 3:28 PM  
Blogger LauraLou said...

Stephanie,

As I read what Shayne wrote, all I could think was that is it exactly. Rest. Rest in him. Don't think too much. Just lay your head on His shoulder and tell Him (God) what you are feeling and then ALLOW Him to heal your heart. He can. I PROMISE! I have been there in the midst of a lot of people's pain and watched God transform their lives when they finally let him. I struggled with them...I couldn't do it for them, even though I wanted to because I hated to watch them hurting so badly...and I watch the sweet release when they finally were honest with God and themselves and experienced healing.

He will NEVER leave you or forsake you...YOU HAVE TO TRUST HIM! It's the only way.

I am praying for you!

October 14, 2006 8:36 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Stephanie,
It's Robin.I ditto what has been posted. Paulette,I think she has enough Love & strength to lift & support you. Many of us may even been to that place of giving up.I was 5 years ago,I was desperate for God to make himself real ,living in Hell as a Christian. To make a long but awesome story short, he did. He knocked me right off my horse. I had an encounter with the True and living God, and that is what you need. Your own personal Revelation. An eye opening experience, where doubt will never shake you again. In one of your post, you were talking to an old friend & she led you thru a memory and brought Jesus into it. This should be done again & often.
What Shayne said was so right on! You want the splinter out, it gets partly removed, pain occurs & you back off. So what’s worst, what your living now, or the removing of the pain.
Who do you think Christ came for and died for, the successful, debt-free, trouble & worry free, healthy. Those who have nothing to be guilty or shameful about. Is that was his Word says. You know the bible you quote it all the time. You also know what you say about yourself. Here are those that Christ came for, plain, simple, no mincing words: Amplified Bible (AMP)
Isaiah 61, LK:4:18-21
1THE SPIRIT of the Lord God is upon me, because the Lord has anointed and qualified me to preach the Gospel of good tidings to the meek, the poor, and afflicted; He has sent me to bind up and heal the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the [physical and spiritual] captives and the opening of the prison and of the eyes to those who are bound,(A)
Sounds like he came for you and me, no doubt in that scripture. So get disparate and not despondent, cry out to him for YOUR Revelation.
Do you know what happens when you cry out from the depths of a canyon ( a walled in wilderness ) what’s released is echoed. A natural multiplication of your single effort.

October 14, 2006 9:46 PM  
Blogger LiteratureLover said...

P.S. Good video. How are you holding up?

October 15, 2006 5:02 PM  

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