God Stuff

I realize that I sometimes seem a lot like a roller coaster ride. I would typically apologize for that, however, I am starting to believe it is just part of the process. I spent some time trying to talk to God last night. Telling Him that I can't do it. I can't make myself believe and I can't make myself trust. I told Him if He wanted me, He was going to have to do it. I don't know how, but whatever you want me to do, I'll do it, but it Has to be you. I told Him I needed Him to show me who He is. Show me that His character is what He claims it is, show me that He loves me. As I lay in bed last night, I was trying to do the whole "Be still and know that I am God" thing. It's complicated because my head tends to spin incessantly, clearing it is a very hard thing for me to do. But, as I lay there, a verse I heard about ten or twelve years ago came to mind. I couldn't remember where it was or how it went. I could only remember the words "sing over you." So, I lay there trying to think of where it was, what all it said, and finally said to myself, "Well, are you going to get up and find it or not?" So, I did. I couldn't find it in either Bibles upstairs, so finally I came down to look it up online. Here is the verse:

Zephaniah 3:17

The LORD your God is with you,
He is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
He will quiet you with his love,
He will rejoice over you with singing.

I emailed it to myself so I would have it on my phone. I am memorizing it so that I can say it, over and over and over, until one day I believe it. My friend was online when I got here and we had a good talk about this stuff, about faith, about what that really is. I struggle with my concept of faith right now. I do so because right now I have none. I can only keep telling myself that I believe, even if I don't. I wonder if that is what faith is. Forcing yourself to believe, telling yourself over and over that what you believe is wrong, that the truth you know is what is real even when you don't believe it. It seems manufactured to me. That didn't seem like faith, instead, almost like brain washing, but it is all I have right now. So, I guess in my limited way, my faith for now is hoping that God will take my manufactured faith and make it real. Whatever it takes.

I also heard a good acronym for fear yesterday. False Evidence Appearing Real. I like that.

Now, I brought up the roller coaster thing earlier because I don't want anyone to be disappointed if a day, or week or month from now, all the beliefs, that are really false but that I actually believe, come roaring back with a vengeance. I feel them, floating around on the edge of consciousness, biding their time, waiting to strike. My hope is that when that happens, because we all know it will, that somehow that verse will allow me to press stop on the lies and play on the Truth.

One last thing, we talked yesterday in my group about why I think I'm 'bad' and what I am actually feeling when I recognize the bad feeling. My new video playing up there is brand new to me. I was looking for a song to fit the mood of my blog, and stumbled upon this one. I thought it was fitting, but I listened to it several times before actually hearing the words in the second verse. It says ' I will always take you back, you haven't let Me down.' I can't help but feel like I have let Him down. Like I am nothing more than a huge disappointment. When I was younger and did something wrong my mother liked to say "How could you do that to God." And I never knew how I could. How I could be such a failure, such a let down. Well, last night during my talk, I was trying to figure out when it was that I decided I was unforgivable. Why I think I am so much worse than the likes of David, Paul, whomever. Here is what I came up with, I don't feel 'bad' instead, I am bad. By that I mean, I believe, however false it may be, that bad is my state of being, not just an emotion. Shame in other words. Since I believe, at the core of me, that I am flawed, dirty, bad, then I believe me to be unforgivable. Because, how can you forgive someone for being who they are. I can't change who I am, so I am forever unforgivable. I know that isn't truth, I believe it, but I know it is false. But, hopefully at least the revelation will be a starting point.