Into the Depths: Too Much

Monday, October 02, 2006

Too Much

Do you ever reach a point where you are almost sure that your stress level is surpassing your capacity to handle it. I am reaching that point, rapidly. Here is what we've got on the table for the present.

Ten year anniversary of what was probably the worst day in my life approaching on Wednesday. I am not completely sure I will make it through that day. I am sure I will, actually, but it will be an exhausting day of hiding from myself so as not to fully self destruct.

My evil brothers wedding is on the fourteenth. I expect that I just won't go. But in not going I have to deal with the guilt that I am most certainly disappointing my mother. Which brings me to number three.

My mother is not doing well. She is in a wheel chair now because she is too fatigued to move around on her own. She is too weak to even lift herself out of it to stand. My sister had to help her in the bathroom the other day. We were at McDonald's in between soccer games and she was sitting in her chair crying because she had to go to the restroom but knew she couldn't do it by herself, but she didn't want to have to ask. It wasn't pretty.

I am considering switching support groups at church. It is the same study, but they are starting a new group this Sunday that is female only and will only have about five members. I do believe that would be a better environment for me, but in order to do that I would have to tell my current facilitators, which I am sure you know I am not comfortable doing.

Then there is the gnawing question hiding in the back of my heart and mind constantly taunting me with the threat of eternal hell.

Too much stress, not enough coping skills. HELP ME.....ok, I know you all can't but I felt like screaming it just the same.


Blogger Paulette said...

Hey Stephanie,
I am sorry i am here. Please call if you want some company, Do you have my number? Ill email it to you.
I hear your stress, take care of you, like in the wedding dont go, and dont take the guilt!
The group at church Change it is what your heart is telling you to do. They wont care, take care of yourself by doing that....
Your mother? I am so sorry I do know the stress of that I watched a best friend deal with that. It is TOUGH to experience and I am sorry you have to deal with that.
I am praying for you.I am sorry you have so much stress.

October 02, 2006 11:04 PM  
Blogger Shayne said...

Dear God, we pray Your peace over Stephanie right now. We command the enemy to shut his mouth and to stop tormenting Stephanie with lies and confusion.

Show Stephanie who she is in You God. That's what she really wants to know. I pray Lord, that Your Holy Spirit would envelop her in Your love today and that somehow, someway Lord...You pierce her darkness. In Jesus' name, Amen.

October 03, 2006 8:04 AM  
Blogger LiteratureLover said...

Oh girl, I am so sorry that you have all this upon you at once. I will be praying for you. I wish I could reach into the computer and pull you to me. Give you an escape somehow. But that wouldn't solve anything in the long run. You're on my mind.

October 06, 2006 10:40 AM  
Blogger Bttrfly1976 said...

LL, It astounds me when your comments bring me so near tears. At times I just have to bite my lip and fight my way through the burning in my eyes. Thanks for your sweet heart and the kindness you show that I so don't deserve.

October 06, 2006 1:18 PM  
Blogger LiteratureLover said...

You definitely deserve it.

October 10, 2006 12:40 AM  

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