Decisions Made ....and Not
I have made the decision to not go to the wedding. I think dealing with the guilt will be better than what I would have to deal with if I went.
I went to the new group this morning at church. I guess one thing I didn't figure upon was that in an extremely small group I will only have to talk more. Oops. On the other hand, I know that is necessary, so I am just going to have to bow up and do it. The only problem, other than having to speak, was that another woman, probably due to codependency, wants me to feel better. Not a bad desire except that my dysfunction makes me feel just as hers does her, so I feel like I need to act like I feel better so that she feels better. What a beating, eh.
I had not yet told the facilitators of my other group, so I was dreading that. I saw one of them after group, before church, and just put my head down. She wanted to know what was wrong, so I told her. She was really nice and understanding. She did question my motives a little, not in an accusatory way, just in trying to keep me accountable. Well, we started talking and didn't stop until the church service was over. It was a good talk. More importantly, it was a real talk. Only drawback there, my friend Sandy came to visit my church this morning, so she had to sit through the entire service alone, wondering where I was....Sorry Sandy! Luckily she didn't mind and we had a good time at lunch afterward.
I found a new verse I like: Proverbs 25:2 It is the glory of God to conceal a matter; to search out a matter is the glory of kings.
I don't really have a solution for the God thing yet. Well, let me rephrase. I have a solution, I just am not totally sure that I can do it. Let me rephrase again, I am not totally sure I will do it. I have to surrender. I have to trust Him. I have to walk straight through my fear and trust that the God I believe despises me actually loves me and has my best interest at heart. I have to believe that the character of God is what He says it is despite what everything in my world tells me is the opposite. I have to accept His grace and cling to His faithfulness. I don't know that I will do it, honestly. I believe a part of me wants to. I really do. And, if I am proved right than that is that. But, since I do know the truth, I know, whether I believe it or not, that I will not be proved right. I have to want it more than I fear it. Do I, though, really?
I went to the new group this morning at church. I guess one thing I didn't figure upon was that in an extremely small group I will only have to talk more. Oops. On the other hand, I know that is necessary, so I am just going to have to bow up and do it. The only problem, other than having to speak, was that another woman, probably due to codependency, wants me to feel better. Not a bad desire except that my dysfunction makes me feel just as hers does her, so I feel like I need to act like I feel better so that she feels better. What a beating, eh.
I had not yet told the facilitators of my other group, so I was dreading that. I saw one of them after group, before church, and just put my head down. She wanted to know what was wrong, so I told her. She was really nice and understanding. She did question my motives a little, not in an accusatory way, just in trying to keep me accountable. Well, we started talking and didn't stop until the church service was over. It was a good talk. More importantly, it was a real talk. Only drawback there, my friend Sandy came to visit my church this morning, so she had to sit through the entire service alone, wondering where I was....Sorry Sandy! Luckily she didn't mind and we had a good time at lunch afterward.
I found a new verse I like: Proverbs 25:2 It is the glory of God to conceal a matter; to search out a matter is the glory of kings.
I don't really have a solution for the God thing yet. Well, let me rephrase. I have a solution, I just am not totally sure that I can do it. Let me rephrase again, I am not totally sure I will do it. I have to surrender. I have to trust Him. I have to walk straight through my fear and trust that the God I believe despises me actually loves me and has my best interest at heart. I have to believe that the character of God is what He says it is despite what everything in my world tells me is the opposite. I have to accept His grace and cling to His faithfulness. I don't know that I will do it, honestly. I believe a part of me wants to. I really do. And, if I am proved right than that is that. But, since I do know the truth, I know, whether I believe it or not, that I will not be proved right. I have to want it more than I fear it. Do I, though, really?
posted by Bttrfly1976 at 3:02 PM
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3 Comments:
It sounds like you are making some good decisions. I'm glad that your friend understood you switching groups. It was good that she questioned you too because it probably helped her see that everything was good between you and the former group. I'll keep praying with you on the God issue.
Hi Stephanie,
It's Robin again. Looks like your moving, spiritually speaking. Which is a very good thing, cause if the waters do not get stirred up they become stagnet and all kinds of nasty thing grow. Or you can reflect on the pool of Bethesda.John 5:1-9 Think about it, is Jesus speaking to you.
I said in my poem "Exhausted, laying in your tears
you crawl through the fear, the haughtings, the chaos" If I can do it you can, if I lived in TX, I would craw with you, I would do it again, because it was worth every knee pounding step. I'm not only praying for you I'm cheering you on!
Stephanie, it's Sandy. Here is the Oswald Chambers quote I was trying to come up with at lunch Sunday. It's from My Utmost...July 29.
"There is a connection between the strange providential circumstances allowed by God and what we know of Him, and we have to learn to interpret the mysteries of life in the light of our knowledge of God. Until we can come face to face with the deepest, darkest fact of life without damaging our view of God’s character, we do not yet know Him."
I'm so not there yet, but it sure gives us something to reach for. And you reach more than most people I know, my friend.
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