Into the Depths: My Precious Angel,

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

My Precious Angel,

I am so sorry, still. As the tenth anniversary nears, I find myself consumed with thoughts of you. Not a day goes by that you don't come to mind, but recently you seem to be overwhelming all other thoughts, until you are all that is there. Just me and the child that I killed. I am so sorry. You would be nine years old now. Blayne's age. Strange that the cousin closest to you in age is the one who looks so very much like he could be mine. My heart aches when I think of what you might have looked like. Would you have my laugh, my smile, my bad attitude. Would you sing, so sweetly that my heart melts at the sound of your voice. Would you be a story teller, a drama queen, an intellectual. Would you love me the way that I love you. Do you love me now, despite what I did to you. I'm so sorry. I can't count how many times I've gone back to that day. The scenarios I have thought up on how I could have changed that day. What I could have done to save you. I could have just walked out of the clinic. I could have told your father to go screw himself. I could have told him that my keeping his life from being ruined, was in turn ruining both yours and mine. I could have saved you. I could have let you live. I am so sorry that I didn't. I so wish that I could go back, I wish that I could change it. I wish that you were here sitting next to me, fighting about bedtime instead of in Heaven wondering why your mother killed you. You would have started fourth grade this year. I think you would have loved school, I guess most kids do at this age. I know I did. There are so many things I wonder about you. None of it makes a difference, but I wonder it none-the-less. I know I failed you, I know. I wish there were a way for me to make it right. I hope that you forgive me. I don't, but I hope you do. I so wanted you. You were wanted. You are loved. It was my fault, I won't make excuses, I chose. I just didn't know how to choose another way. I could have, I know, I just didn't know how. I hate that you were tossed into a plastic bag labeled 'biohazard' and thrown out like yesterdays garbage. You were not trash to me. You are still, ten years later, the center of my heart. I have thought of names for you but didn't ever feel like I could give you one. I guess it made you too real. Most people would say I have no right to grieve the loss of you. I would probably even say that. Yet, I can't stop grieving. I can't stop missing you. I can't stop hating myself for taking your life. I can't forgive myself for murdering my sweet baby. I doubt I ever will. I guess I just wanted to say how sorry I am, so very sorry. Tell your sister, or brother, how very much I love and miss her, too. My hope is that despite all the evil that defines me, all the worthlessness, despite how very much I failed, that God will take pity and let me see you both and hold you in my arms one day. You are forever in my heart.



Blogger Shayne said...

Father God,

Open Stephanie's eyes to see Your love for her. Open her heart to accept the grace that You have provided for her. Help her to understand that in the exact same way she is hurting and missing her baby, You are hurting and missing her. Because she is Your baby. In Jesus' name, amen.

October 04, 2006 8:25 AM  
Anonymous Beth said...

Oh sweet Stephanie.....in tears I write to you. You have EVERY right to grieve. Don't let anyone tell you differently. It is a loss. And every loss deserves grief no matter how the loss happened.

I am praying for God to wrap his arms around you today. Even though I can't. Oh Stephanie....my prayers are with you....

October 04, 2006 1:50 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Please call me Robin, I’m a friend of Shayne's I don't blog, but I have visited sites since around may/June. The anniversaries, yes they are the hardest. My Heart goes out to you. I just made it past my 25th ( 9-7-81 @ 2:36pm ) Remember it like it was yesterday, every last detail, except for the doctor. I never once looked him in the eye. I grieved for many, many years & it took me 20 years before I was totally free of the mental torment & chaos. Trust me! I know all to well where you are at, what you feel & think. I also know where you can end up. Life gets sucked out of you and it seems like only the darkness of your soul remains. Spiritual dementia sets in, Spiritual cancer develops & turns into Spiritual bulimia. So how am I doing so far. Does it seem like I am in your head.
Their is a time to grieve, but their is also a time to move on. It is easier said than done, but it needs to be done. Nail it to the cross, all of it, the pain, grief, the shame, guilt, loneliness all of it, & do it every day, 100 times if you have too! And don't tell me you can't, you can, you have nailed it to yourself for 10 years now. Quit trying to bare it all, your not Christ.. My 20 years was a very slow & painful process, it took 10 years to receive Christ's forgiveness and to ask forgiveness of all those involved. But I did not get true freedom until 10 years later when I forgave myself. I want to tell you more, if you want to talk email me Robin@foothillsworshipcenter.com. I will be praying you begin to let go, your child does not want you to live like this.
My testimony in the form of a poem I wrote just before the 25th anniversary: Press in For My Exhale
Conception, God takes a breath
A child suspended between Heaven and Earth
The wait, Labor yields to birth, and God Exhales
Heaven and Creation rejoices, the Father applauds
Stars twinkle, the moon is aglow, the sun radiates

Someone somewhere pressed in for God's Exhale
Conception, God takes a breath
A child suspended between Heaven and Earth
Fear grips, rejection seeps in, Abortion shouts, I'm the answer
An Idea conceived in the bondage of sin, deception activated

The contents sucked into Eternity, freewill stolen
Your thoughts now in chaos, sleep replaced by
hauntings in the night, eyes watching, voices asking why
Exhausted you lie in your tears

Your life sucked into Eternity, Falling into spaces of darkness
A life suspended, hanging in the vacuum size hole of death you caused
Crushed, breath shortened, prayer barely able to form on your lips

Someone somewhere presses in for God's Exhale

Conception, A thought suspended between the heart and soul
Faith nudges, light breaks thru
In the distance you see out stretched arms
you hear the clanging of a hammer against the metal spikes
Exhausted, laying in your tears
you crawl through the fear, the haughtings, the chaos

You now rest beneath the feet of Jesus
Embracing the cross, his life spilling, covering
covering the mental torment, the pain, the death you ordered
As he commits his last breath...
God Exhales
your life begins
I will pray for God's exhale. It was the exhale of God the created the heavens and the earth, I know he can create a new Stephanie. Please Lord teach her to breath again, to inhale the exhale of God! Stephanie take a deep breath, behold he makes all things new!

October 04, 2006 9:00 PM  
Blogger heartsjoy said...

Oh precious Mommy! Tears are streaming down my face mourning with you. Robin had some amazing things to say that made me cry more. I know nothing I can say can take pain away or give a quick answer but I did think of something. I thought about how kids that are abused or treated poorly or have mother's who hate them STILL want their love so desperately...they forgive, they want to forgive, they seem to always need and want their mother's love no matter what. And you love, Stephanie, you love them dearly. I am sure that your little darling has much love and forgiveness for you regardless. I look forward to the day that you embrace and have that sweet reunion with your children. I love you my dear sweet friend! Praying for you and God's breath upon you!

October 05, 2006 12:05 PM  
Blogger Bttrfly1976 said...

I so appreciate each of you and your kind words. I don't deserve them, but I am grateful. Robin, thank you so much for you honesty and openness. Your poem is beautiful. That word doesn't even do it justice. But, it touched my heart and I am so thankful you shared it.

October 05, 2006 7:24 PM  
Blogger LiteratureLover said...

My gosh, girl. Your openness and honesty overwhelm me. You paint such a vivid picture. Thank you for letting us into the depths of your heart.

October 06, 2006 10:52 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Stephanie, I can only get to my email box on Saturday's. I do not have accesss at work, they have it blocked. Just wanted to let you know in case you contacted me & wondered why I have not responded.
Talk to you later.

October 06, 2006 4:11 PM  

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