Frustrations and Such

Do you ever feel overwhelmingly frustrated with yourself? I learned at church this morning that frustration is something you feel when you are more aware of your lack of control. For example, a traffic jam. You're late, stuck in traffic, and there is nothing at all you can do about it. Frustration with someone else's behavior, because there is nothing you can do to change it. Well, theoretically, I shouldn't be frustrated with my own behavior because supposedly I can control that. And yet, I find myself being perturbed with myself when I behave in ways that I so didn't want.

All the way to church this morning I was praying that God would strengthen me, somehow enable me to be real in my support group. So didn't happen. In fact, I think I was more closed off than normal. Why does that happen? Why can't I control it. If I want to be better why can't I just open my mouth and let everything out? What am I so freaking afraid of? What could possibly be so bad that it be worse than where I have already been? I'm annoyed and don't know what to do about it.

I had lunch and went shopping with a new friend after church. She is in my life group and the small Bible study I go to on Tuesdays. The other lady in our Bible study has a birthday on Friday and so we went to find her a gift. She is a lot younger than me so I feel a little weird hanging out with her, but she is great to hang out with and I see the possibility of a relationship, so I guess we'll see how it develops. I wonder why it is that I do not feel at all strange being friends with ladies who are ten or more years older than me and yet feel quite odd at developing a relationship with someone seven years younger. Weird. Is that pride? I don't know what it is. I'll have to investigate my feelings on that one.

Ok going to bed, night.