Ponderings

So, I'm still processing, or still in shock, something. I'll just give you a quick run down of some of the issues I am currently trying to ponder to death.

Firstly, my mom. How did that happen, why now, and why did it take twenty years? I have no answers yet, but I'm working on it. And probably more so, I am working on what that means for now and the future. I am curious how I will respond next time I actually see her. Should I try to tell her more? Should I make an effort to further the relationship knowing full well that mentally and emotionally she is the same woman she has always been, thus prone to producing pain?

Secondly, the oh so huge issue of confrontation, or lack thereof, in my life. I am such a huge chicken. I absolutely fly at any possibility of confrontation, however big or small. I had a conflict arise a couple of weeks ago that I neglected to mention here, mostly because I was humiliated. That embarrassment is both unfounded and unnecessary, but I feel it none-the-less. So anyway, I was in a small setting, with two other people, when I felt as though I was being attacked. I can now, almost three weeks later, see that it really wasn't that big of a deal. In that moment, however, I was terrified. In what seemed like an instant, my face became flush, tears flooded my eyes, my heart began to race, the walls flew up and I was, internally, hiding under the bed like a wounded dog.

After much thought, I realize that this is a common response for me. I think that typically I am not so aware because I can run. I can leave or hang up or whatever. In this situation, I couldn't. Had I left it would have just made things worse and I knew that, plus I was too scared to leave anyway. Therefore, instead of being able to run and hide, literally, I just had to sit there with it, as the other two parties stared at me and tried, in vain, to get me to speak. I was VERY aware of my response in that moment, I just had no idea where it was coming from. Externally I sat with my head down staring intently at my Bible, being sure that my hair covered my face enough that they could not see...me. Exposure is horrifying to me, you know. Internally, I was begging God to get me out of that place, I didn't care how, I just needed escape, badly. That didn't happen, by the way.

So, here is what I am finding out. My response had absolutely nothing to do with the situation at hand. Whether it was the way it came about, or the tone of her voice, or the words that she spoke, I'm not sure. But whichever it was, something about that situation was just a trigger. It took me back years and years to a place where that tone of voice, look in the eye, whatever, meant that a verbal or physical tirade was imminent. So terror took control of me. Now, how to fix this issue, I am not completely sure. My therapist says that it is about learning to comfort my inner child. So hokey. But, she says that I have to learn to soothe that terrified little girl and somehow come to the place where I am ok with anger, ok with other people's anger, ok with them being angry with me. Right now, that just makes me cringe. Baby steps.

I went to therapy on Thursday. It actually went well. I felt like I spoke more easily and more freely. She felt the same way, which is affirming. I didn't manage to mention the letter to my brother or the conversation with my mother until the very end, but at least I mentioned them. She wrote it down so she will remember to bring them up when I go back. That helps me because no matter how much I want to talk about something, it is very hard for me to bring things up. Anyway, she wants me to read a book called "Boundaries in Relationships" because apparently I have some boundary issues. ;)

I went to swim meets last night and this morning and had two ten year olds and an eight year old stay the night. In case you don't catch on by that sentence, I am worn out. I have to get ready for bed so that I will get my self out of bed for church in the A.M. Let's all hope that I really do get to cover week four this week. I will be excited to actually move past that hump, I think. It seems to have been a holding pattern for over a month now, so, here's hoping. Night.