Into the Depths: Shock

Tuesday, November 07, 2006


I sort of don't want to post this yet because I feel as though I really need to process what happened. However, I feel like I can't hold it in.

My mother is not well these days. She has been doing radiation for about a month and a half now, and she seems to be deteriorating. She can no longer walk, she can't even get herself up on her own. She can't bathe without help, it is just really bad. Tonight my dad called 911 because he couldn't get her to wake up. Turns out her blood sugar was very low, she is diabetic. Her count was down around 40, but with some orange juice, she was doing better in a short time. I haven't spoken with my mother since she gave me the invitation to my brothers wedding over a month ago. Tonight I called to make sure she was ok and to talk about options. At this point something has to be done, she needs to either move with my sister to Oklahoma, or we need to get her into a nursing home. She simply is not safe in her current environment and my home will not work. I live in a two story with no bedrooms or shower/bath on the first floor.

Anyway........I don't know how it happened, I am still in shock, really. We went from talking about her healthcare to child hood traumas in what seems like a split second. Understand that my mother and I have not had a conversation that involved real communication from me in twenty years. Since that day, at ten, when she didn't believe me. Tonight, though, when I saw a window, I jumped head first straight through. After many words and many tears she told me she was sorry, that she loved me, that she had always loved me, that she had always tried to make sure I knew she loved me and that nothing I could ever do could make her not love me.

There is more to say, no doubt, but what a huge jump. I know she did the best she knew how, and told her as much. I guess, regardless of which parts she argued with or said I didn't remember correctly, the important thing is that I spoke. Even if she had told me I was insane and she hated me, still the important thing would be that I spoke. Don't get me wrong, I am very thankful for the way it went. I am thankful she apologized. I am thankful that I was honest with her. I am thankful that God orchestrated the whole thing because we all know I couldn't have done that on my own.

I admit that I am experiencing a little fear as to the possible backlash. She has the habit of taking conversations, twisting the words, then sharing them with everyone else. I pray, literally, that this time will be different. That the realness that we just shared, after a very long twenty years, will have gotten through to her as much as it did me.

I'm in shock, still.


Blogger Shayne said...

Wow. We could be twins. I just recently confessed to my mom the abuse that happened at my house. I too, went through shock. The big "secret" was out.

No easy roads or answers here. I'm sort of flying by the seat of my pants...just wanted to let you know that you're not alone in this. God is really moving.

November 08, 2006 1:06 PM  
Blogger LiteratureLover said...

I cried (for joy) reading this post. You're right, the most amazing part is that you spoke. That's incredible. I pray that your Mom will keep your talk private. But even if she doesn't, it's good that you took that gianormous step.

Shayne - you amaze me too.

November 08, 2006 3:09 PM  
Blogger LiteratureLover said...

P.S. This makes me think of the song The Living Years sung by Mike and the Mechanics. Only, you DID say it.

November 08, 2006 3:22 PM  
Blogger heartsjoy said...

WOOOWWWW!!! I am sooo Excited that God opened that door and you stepped out! That is so great! I am also so thrilled that she responded in a heartfelt honest and loving way. I will also pray that it will stay that way and that the relationship will be more restored than it has ever been! I am sure you are in shock, that is shocking but also soo amazing!

November 08, 2006 4:04 PM  
Blogger Bttrfly1976 said...

Hey girls, thanks for the affirmation! I heard the Michael w. Smith version of that song today, LL. Prior to last night, it was something I dreaded. I am glad that at least there is less to dread, a ton less really, don't know why I am minimizing it. Shayne, thank you for sharing your situation with me. I am glad to know I am not alone in this and am proud of you for doing what I know is a very difficult thing.

November 08, 2006 11:27 PM  
Blogger SuperMom said...

That is incredible news. So glad you are having some breakthrough! I admire your courage and honesty.

November 10, 2006 7:20 AM  

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