Cognitive Dissonance, Again
I am beginning to think it is just as easy to walk through life in complete denial in happy land as it is in the black hole. Perhaps easier. Since I am not in a consistent state of depression it is even simpler to deny the turmoil wracking my spirit. Or, maybe I am wrong. Maybe I am dealing with things and I am growing and that is why I am typically in better spirits. Oddly, I am really not sure. Is it normal to not know what is going on inside your own heart and mind?
For instance, this morning in my support group I was in a pretty chipper mood. I shared insights and laughed, completely opposite of my original arms crossed silence. So, the other members commented on my growth and how far I've come, while inside I'm thinking, I'm not so sure about that. However, I am typically my strongest critic, so maybe I am just being too hard on myself. Then an hour into the group I was asked a question that I totally couldn't answer. Not even that hard of a question. 'What have I survived in my life that others could not?' Well, my first answer is nothing, pain is relative, whomever God placed in my position could have survived it. So, they changed the question. 'What have I survived that I wouldn't want anyone else to experience?' Where do I start? The problem is, I couldn't. I have said all those things before. An extremely dysfunctional family. Physical abuse, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, verbal abuse. Parents I couldn't trust, a complete lack of affection, what felt like a complete lack of love. A spiritual upbringing that so damaged my view of God that I am not sure I will ever be able to truly know His love and forgiveness.....Nothing I haven't, at some point, said before. And yet, when faced head on with that question, I couldn't make the words come out.
Why can't I escape from this prison, I created it, right? Why am I so very terrified of being known, of being exposed, of being vulnerable. What can anyone really do to me? So they hate me, if I can't be real with them than who cares if they don't hate me, there's no real relationship there anyway. I don't even know what I am trying to say, I am just frustrated. Frustrated and confused. Am I really doing anything at all here. Am I really moving, changing, growing, anything. Or am I just walking through motions hoping somehow my life changes itself?
Even as I type, my inclination is just to curl into a ball and cry. But I don't. It's easier just to push the feelings aside. To pretend that all is well, or at the very least, moving in that direction. And maybe it is. Perhaps this is just my addiction to crises. I've learned in my support group that people like me, when things are going well, get spooked. We know the bottom is going to drop out eventually, so sometimes rather than just waiting for it, we create our own crises to go ahead and get it over with. Crap, I'm rambling now. I don't even know where I was going with this. Or maybe I do and I don't want to go there. I am such a freak.
For instance, this morning in my support group I was in a pretty chipper mood. I shared insights and laughed, completely opposite of my original arms crossed silence. So, the other members commented on my growth and how far I've come, while inside I'm thinking, I'm not so sure about that. However, I am typically my strongest critic, so maybe I am just being too hard on myself. Then an hour into the group I was asked a question that I totally couldn't answer. Not even that hard of a question. 'What have I survived in my life that others could not?' Well, my first answer is nothing, pain is relative, whomever God placed in my position could have survived it. So, they changed the question. 'What have I survived that I wouldn't want anyone else to experience?' Where do I start? The problem is, I couldn't. I have said all those things before. An extremely dysfunctional family. Physical abuse, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, verbal abuse. Parents I couldn't trust, a complete lack of affection, what felt like a complete lack of love. A spiritual upbringing that so damaged my view of God that I am not sure I will ever be able to truly know His love and forgiveness.....Nothing I haven't, at some point, said before. And yet, when faced head on with that question, I couldn't make the words come out.
Why can't I escape from this prison, I created it, right? Why am I so very terrified of being known, of being exposed, of being vulnerable. What can anyone really do to me? So they hate me, if I can't be real with them than who cares if they don't hate me, there's no real relationship there anyway. I don't even know what I am trying to say, I am just frustrated. Frustrated and confused. Am I really doing anything at all here. Am I really moving, changing, growing, anything. Or am I just walking through motions hoping somehow my life changes itself?
Even as I type, my inclination is just to curl into a ball and cry. But I don't. It's easier just to push the feelings aside. To pretend that all is well, or at the very least, moving in that direction. And maybe it is. Perhaps this is just my addiction to crises. I've learned in my support group that people like me, when things are going well, get spooked. We know the bottom is going to drop out eventually, so sometimes rather than just waiting for it, we create our own crises to go ahead and get it over with. Crap, I'm rambling now. I don't even know where I was going with this. Or maybe I do and I don't want to go there. I am such a freak.
posted by Bttrfly1976 at 9:08 PM
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3 Comments:
"I am such a freak."-- That line made me laugh because I can so relate to it! I know that feeling well. I was just telling my husband last night that I wish I could go through one day without feeling guilty or worrying about what anyone thinks. Why is that so hard?!
And for the record, I think it's normal (at least for me, so that may make it odd) to NOT know what is going on inside your head and heart. I've had plenty of moments lately that I'm thinking, "Why did I do that?" or "Why did I say that?" It's like it popped out of my mouth but I didn't even know it was in there.
Are you feeling better yet? L
L! Maybe not better per se. However, it is encouraging to know that perhaps my version of crazy is more the norm than I once believed.
If what you describe is being a freak, then everyone has freakish days. I surely do. I love that you are honest about those days...I have a tendency to pretend they don't exist.
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