Into the Depths: Lack of Control and the Sadness it Creates

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Lack of Control and the Sadness it Creates

It is only two in the afternoon, and already it has been a hard day. I spent most of the morning at the hospital waiting for my mother's case manager. After three hours, no questions were answered and I so feel like we are just walking aimlessly in the dark here. She has yet to be retested to see if the chemo and radiation did their jobs. She can't walk, stand, sit up, or anything else that would provide any sort of quality of life. At least not on her own. So, I find myself wondering, if she still has cancer and will have to go through all the treatment again, are we just wasting our time and her energy on this rehab. Also, if all she is going to be able to do is stand up out of a wheelchair, so long as someone is pulling her up, how is that improving her quality of life. I'm frustrated and confused and perhaps a little scared and I don't know what to do or who to talk to in order to get any of the answers we need.

A man who goes to my church hung himself in his garage yesterday. I find myself both saddened and relieved that I did not know him personally. Relieved because the heaviness I feel in my heart for him and his family would be so much more piercing had we known one another. Yet, I am broken hearted that I did not know him because maybe, just maybe, we could have talked. He could have talked, I could have listened. I don't have a God complex and I don't necessarily think I would have done anything better or different than any of his loved ones did. Still, I feel a sadness that I couldn't be there, in some way, any way, to ease his despair and suffering. I ache for what his family must be experiencing. I hurt for my pastor who must somehow instill hope in such overwhelmingly hopeless circumstances. I think more than anything, I imagine that man arriving, finally, at that decision yesterday. I know the hopelessness, the agony, the fear, the anger and the belief that this really is the only option and everyone who loves you really will be better off without you. Oh, how my heart is pierced with his pain. Pray for his family, please.


Blogger Sandy said...

Sigh. Absolutely, I am praying. Not only for your church and this man's family, but in gratitude for the sensitivity and tenderness that flows from you in such circumstances. If that is not Christ flowing right out of you, I don't know what is. Love you.

December 13, 2006 1:02 AM  
Blogger Steve said...

I'm sorry. First, for your Mother and the fact that you cannot get answers. That's sometimes more excruciating than the actual news. Second, for that man's family. I can't imagine walking through the grief they're walking through- all the "what if's".

P.S. Your video gave me chills.

December 13, 2006 1:27 PM  

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