Into the Depths: My So Called Life

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

My So Called Life

I feel like writing though I am not quite sure what I want to say. There seems to be a million things swirling around my heart and head and processing is something I tend to suck at doing. I have, finally, made it to week ten of my "Making Peace" group. Amazing that I started this journey almost four months ago. How exciting that this week is 'Forgiving Others.' Can you hear the sarcasm seeping through my fingertips?

I think I am arriving at a place in my life where I am actually recognizing some things that I will absolutely have to do in order to get anywhere. Problem is, I REALLY don't want to do them. As far as forgiveness goes, I think something that really holds me back is that I feel that by forgiving I am saying that whatever the offense happened to be, that it is ok. And it isn't. Everyone keeps telling me that it is not saying it is ok, but then what is it? I'm sorry......It's ok. That's how the conversation goes, right? I guess I just don't understand how I can say I forgive you and not be saying that I am ok with whatever you did to me.

Now, while that is a legitimate issue for me, I think perhaps it is moreover a smoke screen for the bigger issue. And that is sheer terror. In order to truly forgive I must look honestly at the offenses. To look honestly at them is to admit the devastation they created and the pain that has resulted. To look at that pain is to feel that pain. And quite frankly, I don't want to. There are several things that terrify me about that. First, though irrational and childish, is that the pain will destroy me. Second, that I might never be free regardless of going through all of that madness. Third, that I might actually become free. My prison is scary and lonely and frustrating, even devastating. But, it's home.

I signed up for a new support group that begins in a week. It is called "Shelter from the Storm" and is to deal with the trauma of sexual abuse. I have no idea if I am man enough to do it. It is horrifying to even consider. Yet, I know it is one more thing I will have to do. The above fears are the same for this scenario. When I look back on those times all I see are still pictures. I know what happened, but I refuse to look at it. I don't let the pictures become videos, it is just too much. After therapy today a tape began to play in my head a little and I felt the urge to pull my truck over and vomit. I had to pray and beg God to take the images out of my head. I just don't know if I am ready to look at those events, to really see them, to feel what I must have felt, what I should have felt all the years since. I can't fathom even having to see all the details with my mind, and now I would have to actually speak them. I honestly don't know that I can do that. I will have to at some point in my life if I ever want to be whole, but I so, so, so do not want to.

Am I a mess or what??


Blogger LiteratureLover said...

I don't see a mess. I see a person who is purposefully working towards healing. I think that finishing the class is huge! Then you signed up for another that you know is going to be emotional. So I think that's a sign of a brave heart.

As far as the forgiveness thing, I once had a guy explain it to me this way. He said that it's like you're driving a bus. Everytime someone offends you or hurts you, you put them on your bus. As you drive through life you can always look back at the people there and remember the hurt they've caused. Forgiveness is letting them off the bus. It doesn't mean they didn't hurt you or even that you're not still hurting. It doesn't mean that what they did is okay. It's simply that you don't want to have them on your bus anymore.

I don't know if that makes sense but it made sense to me at the time.

January 06, 2007 10:33 AM  
Blogger Bttrfly1976 said...

Thanks for the encouragement, you are so good at that.

I'm going to have to think about that bus illustration for a while. Don't you have to say it's ok in order to let them off?

January 06, 2007 1:11 PM  
Blogger Shayne said...

Hey Stephanie,

Just wanted to let you know that I understand what you mean when you say you don't want to have to feel what you must have felt. I tried going through some intensive therapy that called for that very thing and I couldn't do it.

Doesn't mean that I think I'm a wimp or a failure, I think it just means I had too much on my plate at the time. To me, going through something like that would have to come at a time when I have nothing else going on. However, I have 2 kids, so something is always going on.

Guess I'm gonna have to suck it up. One thing I know...no matter what happens God won't let the pain destroy me. Well...let me rephrase that. Maybe He will. Maybe the pain will destroy the person that I am now, so that the woman I'm meant to be can live. Does that make sense?

No answers for ya hon. Just co-miserating with you. (Is that a word? If so, did I spell it right???)

January 09, 2007 7:15 AM  
Blogger Bttrfly1976 said...

lol, I am not sure if it is a word, but I like it, Shayne!

January 12, 2007 6:22 PM  

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