And She's Back
Ok, can I just say how wearisome I find the roller coaster that is my life. Two days ago I was great. Today, no, not so much. Why? Who the heck knows. Maybe I sort of know. How do you remain balanced when life throws insanity at you from all directions? Family issues beyond any semblance of normalcy. My past being thrown in my face. Friendships in rocky territory. And a God I am trying so hard to trust but who just continues to confuse me greatly. I get it, I'll never understand Him, but freak it is hard to trust Him when life is so contrary to the good that I am supposed to be believing in. That's the point though, I know, trust Him in spite of what I see, but how very hard that is for me.
My brother's wife is having a girl. Why? God only knows. I feel sick about it. What do I do. Call CPS and tell them he will probably sexually abuse his child? Doubt that will fly. Wait for him to molest her? I can't live with that. Shut myself off from the situation? Completely selfish. I have no idea where to go with that.
The doctors have decided my mother's post chemo issues aren't nueropathy after all but instead Multiple Sclerosis. Have I called her even to say I'm sorry for her much less just talk? Absolutely not. Why? Because I am selfish and inconsiderate.
Am I pulling away from my friends because I am mad at them? Probably not. Probably because I am catching the first glimpses of my disappointing them, so why not run now before they have a chance to grow tired of me and walk away. It felt yesterday that I was mad. Now, I think I am just looking out for number 1. Selfish, yet again.
And then there's me. How easy it is for me to walk right back in to being me. Ok, it isn't that easy because I don't want to go where I'm heading. Yet, it is so hard to fight the fear and press on. Not to mention exhausting. Oh yeah, and did I mention I have a saviour complex? It seems as though I am a tad codependent. Turns out that is selfish too. A way to take back the power that was stolen from me so very long ago.
It will get better, right?
My brother's wife is having a girl. Why? God only knows. I feel sick about it. What do I do. Call CPS and tell them he will probably sexually abuse his child? Doubt that will fly. Wait for him to molest her? I can't live with that. Shut myself off from the situation? Completely selfish. I have no idea where to go with that.
The doctors have decided my mother's post chemo issues aren't nueropathy after all but instead Multiple Sclerosis. Have I called her even to say I'm sorry for her much less just talk? Absolutely not. Why? Because I am selfish and inconsiderate.
Am I pulling away from my friends because I am mad at them? Probably not. Probably because I am catching the first glimpses of my disappointing them, so why not run now before they have a chance to grow tired of me and walk away. It felt yesterday that I was mad. Now, I think I am just looking out for number 1. Selfish, yet again.
And then there's me. How easy it is for me to walk right back in to being me. Ok, it isn't that easy because I don't want to go where I'm heading. Yet, it is so hard to fight the fear and press on. Not to mention exhausting. Oh yeah, and did I mention I have a saviour complex? It seems as though I am a tad codependent. Turns out that is selfish too. A way to take back the power that was stolen from me so very long ago.
It will get better, right?
posted by Bttrfly1976 at 9:38 PM
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2 Comments:
Dear Stephanie,
Just checking in since I've been committed to pray for you. Sounds like life is overwheliming you again. May I offer some insight, such as it is?
It sounds as though satan is having a heyday messing with you. Your trust in the Father has begun to take root, you're growing in your faith-that is a threat to him and he'll sink his stinking claws into you even more deeply to keep you in captivity. As weird as it sounds, that can be seen as a good thing because he knows he's losing the battle.
Now, how do you continue to believe God in the midst of your circumstances? That is so difficult I know. When I've been there, I carry specific words of Scripture with me wherever I go. I write them out on note cards and whenever I have a wave of doubt, I pull them out and read them-out loud. I find hearing God's word strenthens me and I like to believe satan hears it too and recognizes I have the sword of the Spirit and I'm using it for defense.
I know the situation with your brother's child breaks your heart. I read enough of your blog to assume that he sexually abused you and now you fear for her and wonder why God would allow such a thing. Again, may I offer a bit of insight from His word? In Luke 17:1-3 it says: Jesus said "Things that cause people to sin are bound to come, but woe to the person through whom they come. It would be better for him to have a millstone tied around his neck and be thrown into the sea than to cause one of these little ones to sin. So watch yourselves."
Do you see that for some reason, God in His permissive will says that such sin is bound to happen, but that He will deal with the sinner!!! The abuse does not go unnoticed by God and He will punish it harshly if the sinner is unrepentant and does not come to salvation in Christ. He will avenge the sin perpatrated upon innocent children and the punishment will more than fit the crime from the sounds of it.
I'll pray for discernment for you to know if God is calling you to do something to protect this little one and that you'll be so convinced of His call that you'll know it's the right thing to do.
Please know you continue to be in my prayers that you will feel the mighty hand of God drawing you ever closer. I have a strong feeling that you are going to be used for a holy purpose and He is sifting and refining you so you will be greatly effective for the kingdom. Keep your head held high, stay in the Word, and persevere. You have a mighty God on your side who loves you more than you can even imagine.
Blessings,
Becky
Hey Stephanie,
I have some thoughts on this but I need to email you instead of commenting on here. You have a right to be concerned for sure and I know you are def between a rock and a hard place.
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