Into the Depths: A little Bit of Something....or Nothing

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

A little Bit of Something....or Nothing

ok, I'm frustrated because it is dark-thirty and I just got home and I'm exhausted so I still can't post what I wanted to.

It never ceases to amaze me how unknowingly I allow satan to craftily do his job. It is as though I can go from perfectly fine to the depths of sadness in an instant, literally.

I wish I could type more, but I'm really so tired. I will say this, trying to recognize all of my false beliefs is harder than I thought. Coming up with Biblical truth to refute them all is even harder. But at least I'm working on it and that has to count for something.

My counselor wants me to do this thing with her. She calls it progressive relaxation, I call it terrifying. She is astounded that I am so afraid of it, so she wanted me to try and figure out what causes me so much pause with it. My first realization is hypervigilence. If I am not on my guard, I am open for attack. If I am attacked because I let my guard down, well, than it's my own fault. Even when I sink into my t.v. for hours at a time, I am astutely aware of all that is going on around me. Relaxing just hasn't been an option.

She wants me to practice 'meditating' three minutes a day concentrating on an affirmation. The one she told me to use is "help me feel your love" or something of that nature, as a prayer to God. So I thought, I can do this. Saturday night I tried it, breathing deeply, repeating that prayer to God and after a couple minutes I was inundated with overwhelming emotion. All the things I keep avoiding, trying not to think about so I don't have to deal with them, don't have to feel them. And I was just floored. The tightness in my chest, feeling like I can't breathe. Once all those things well up in me, I can't process, I just feel terrified and an ache to run and hide. So, I have realized that this too is reason relaxation is so very scary for me. I'm terrified of losing control. Terrified of being overwhelmed. Terrified of drowning beneath the weight of all that is inside me.

That's all I can do tonight. I have to put myself to bed now.


Blogger heartsjoy said...

I will be praying for you about this rest and relaxation that seems to be void for you. I want that for you...for it to be a great thing. For Him to give you that peace and taking away the fear. I listened to your song and really liked it...not sure I got the whole message, you may have to explain to me. Also, I left comments for you and LL on her last two blogs. I hope you are able to get some rest soon. love you girl!

February 07, 2007 11:12 AM  
Blogger Bttrfly1976 said...

The words are a couple of posts down, read them and you will understand more. "I do not want to die inside just to breathe in," is my favorite line in the whole song! I'm going to take a nap before I pass out. Thanks for your prayers, how is your thing we are praying over going?

February 07, 2007 3:00 PM  
Blogger LiteratureLover said...

Wow, that's a lot to process. I hurt for you not being able to relax. That is a huge thing. Your counselor sounds like a wise person.

February 08, 2007 6:16 PM  

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