Encouragement

I found this really encouraging today. Hopefully you will too.

Struggle

I'm struggling tonight. With myself, with God, with fear, sadness, guilt, pain...don't feel sorry for me. I just need to get this out in the faint hope that it will empower me against the thoughts that seek to destroy.

I had the girls this weekend, which is good while it lasts. Sending children back home always makes me a bit melancholy. I watched a movie tonight that brought up some unresolved 'mommy' issues. And then one more of my 'triggers' on another show that just came on.

Enough to make an emotionally stunted girl lose her mind for a bit. So as the desires to self medicate in various ways run rampant through my brain and the pressure in my chest begins to reach a boiling point I decided I'd better try something. This is an attempt that will hopefully prove fruitful because frankly I'm a little afraid that if I fell back into certain behaviors He might take my tattoos back and that would suck.

Unredeemed

While I don't think this song is ringing completely true in my life just yet, I have hope. I believe one day....probably about the time I decide I'm ready to get over myself and allow Him to work....the bad, painful and ugly in my life will be fully redeemed. Until then, it's still a beautiful song.

"Unredeemed"
by: Selah

Blizzard(ish) of 2010

 

Pictures

BretLynn and BryAnn after their first ever gymnastics meet yesterday. They both did great. It seems Brynie is progressing a bit faster than Bret and the coach told my sister yesterday that BryAnn will be moving up to senior team as of practice today. That would be much more complicated if not for that fact that BretLynn just doesn't care as much as her sister. BretLynn wants to have fun, BryAnn wants to win...and so it goes.





And this is thrown in just because I love it. Gracie is trying hard to be a girl after my own heart :)

Lessons From The Road

The devil will always provide you with an escape. It will always lead away from good and away from God.

I heard that this morning on my road trip chruch service. (Radio preacher) It really got me thinking. When I choose to escape rather than deal with my life I am submitting to satan. Even though it isn't typically an overtly sinful escape, I don't get drunk or high, it's still choosing against God. When I zone out into my tv or stuff my feelings down with food or seek control by avoiding food. When I wear a mask to keep myself hidden from the world, when I pretend I'm fine when in truth I'm dying inside. It isn't real and it isn't true which can only mean it isn't of God.

Conviction is so fun.

What I'm Listening To

My favorite song today:

Can Anybody Hear Me
Meredith Andrews

I’m staring at these empty walls
Wondering when You’ll visit me again
When will You come?
If there is anything at all
Coming in between our love
Please show me, ‘cuz I am barely hanging on

Can anybody hear me?
The silence is deafening
Why do You feel so far away?
When I know You’re here with me
But I just need faith to see
Nothing can separate me from Your love

Believing what I can’t see
Has never come naturally to me
And I’ve got questions
But I am certain of a Love
Strong enough to hold me when I’m doubting
You’ll never let go of my hand

Can anybody hear me?
The silence is deafening
Why do You feel so far away?
When I know You’re here with me
But I just need faith to see
Nothing can separate me from Your love

I will trust in You, even in the moments
I can’t find you, and I will hold on to
Your promises of love
You’ve never failed before

I know You can hear me
When the silence is deafening
Even though You seem far away
And I know You’re here with me
But I just need faith to see
Nothing can separate me from Your love


My second favorite song today:

Safe
Britt Nicole

You keep tryin to get inside my head,
While I keep trying to lose the words you said
Can't you see I'm hangin by a thread,
To my life what I know, yeah I'm losing control and
Oh no, my walls are gonna break
So close, its more than I can take

I'm so tired of turning and running away
When love just isn't safe
(your not safe, mmm-mm)

I'm strong enough, I've always told myself
I never want to need somebody else
But I've already fallen from that hill,
So I'm droppin that guard here's your chance at my heart and

Oh no, my walls are gonna break
So close, its more than I can take
I'm so tired of turning and running away
When love just isn't

Everything you want, but its everything you need
Its not always happy endings but its happy in betweeen
Its taken so long, so long to finally see
The other isn't worth the risk

Oh no, my walls are gonna break
Oh no, my walls are gonna break
So close, its more than I can take
So tired of turning and running away
When love just isn't safe

Oh no, my walls are gonna break
So close, its more than I can take
So tired of turning and running away
When love just isn't safe

You're not safe
And that's okay

Matter

why don't i matter.
why don't my feelings count.
why can't you believe me.
why can't you love me.
why is he more important.
why didn't you protect me.
why don't you now.
why do you think i would make this up.
why do you expect me to trust you.
to love you.
to honor you.
to even speak to you.
why do i feel to blame for the pain that he has caused.
continues to cause.
why do you blame me.
did you ever love me.
did that love end when i pointed the finger at your firstborn.
why can't you grasp that i needed you.
that much to my disdain, i need you now.
why am i the bad guy.
when the bad guy is sleeping in the room next to you.
why do you keep choosing him.
will you ever choose me.
love me.
believe me.
ever.


A friend suggested asking questions to help myself know what i'm feeling. Pretty sure this isn't what she had in mind. But it made me cry.....that stems from some feeling somewhere, right?

Titleless

It occurs to me, on days like these past several, that I should have applied more effort toward maintaining the friendships in my life.

I don't think one realizes how isolated they have become until the need arises for outside aid of some sort. It's easy to fall into the monotonous ebb and flow of everyday life. Well, for me it is, being that I have no husband nor children. It is simple to become so absorbed in being alone that one day you fall into crises and it occurs to you that you are just that, alone.

I can only blog at work because I haven't exactly figured out how to do it on my phone yet. That necessitates being somewhat emotionless and frankly, I'd almost like to fall apart at this moment. But I won't. Chances are that if I fall too far, I've left no one near enough to help me get back up.

This blog is depressing.