I'm not sure how I arrived at this place. I hate it here. I've been told that if I allow myself to feel the feelings rather than choosing ways to numb/stuff/deny them then they will get better....I will heal.

I'm not healing. I am slipping further and further down this abyss and it's beginning to scare me. Last night rather than praying at every noise that God would keep me safe, I found myself asking Him to make someone come in and kill me so that it would be over and it wouldn't be my fault.

I'm not going to kill myself....there are 13 faces who haunt me each time I even begin to think of it. But I admit, I want out. I want the pain to stop. I want to be free...whatever form that has to take. Fact of the matter is, I should be better by now. I should be over this....whatever this is.

Sorry that this post isn't happy but I needed to put it out there....get it out of me. Maybe it will help.