Run Forrest, Run

Ahh, the almost infamous night after therapy blog. You know you've been holding your breath. Today I found out that it is all my fault that I never get anywhere. Ok, that isn't exactly what she said and I already knew that. What she said was that I was like Forrest Gump. That isn't very nice if you ask me. Luckily she wasn't calling me unintelligent. She said I run and run, don't know where I'm going, but I just keep running. Yeah, I guess I knew that. I told her I needed a 'how' when it comes to unlocking myself and letting me out and someone else in. Her response, "I have some pretty good 'hows', but you don't want to do any of them." Ouch. Do the hows have to be so dang scary? She asked what we could do to enable me to trust her. Well, duh, if I knew that I would probably trust people. She also asked how my mood had been over the two weeks since I last saw her, I had no clue.

So, my homework is to finish my forgiveness books, try to figure out 'hows' as to opening up, and to start keeping a mood journal. Now at first that made me glad, it has to be better than the 'happy journal.' Then, however, it occurred to me that that could be quite difficult for me. I have a difficult time trying to pinpoint how I feel. I think I probably try to avoid knowing how I feel most the time. Thus the point, she wants to get me out of my head so I will start actually experiencing feelings rather than simply analyzing things to death. I have to write in it three times a day, does that sound a tad time consuming to anyone?? But, since I don't like feeling like a failure, I will do it just as directed. Surely you already see that she will be expecting me to be reading from this thing in therapy next time.

Am I just being stubborn. Why do I freeze. I am sort of strong willed. It seems that if I really wanted to make progress than I would use that will to make myself do the work and feel the crap that I don't want to feel in order to be free of this life that I say I hate so much.

So, about this song. Scars, by Papa Roach. It is not my absolute favorite of theirs, Last Resort is the greatest, but Christian folk wouldn't come to my blog if I put that video up. I do like this song a lot, though. My favorite part is the chorus when it says "The scars remind me that the past is real." I love that because sometimes I wonder. I find myself thinking is it real, was my life the way I remember it real. But the scars, some figurative, many literal, remind that is was real and it is me.

I have Cas and Nattie for the weekend so we can go get their school clothes. I made the mistake of telling my parents that I would have them, so now I have to take them to meet my parents for breakfast in the morning. I am dreading it, but the girls will enjoy it. That is a whole other blog though, and I have heard if your post is too long than people get bored and quit reading. ;) Later.