A Glimpse Into Therapy
Let me play you a little conversation, then perhaps you will see how exchanges can take turns for the worst in the blink of an eye.
Therapist: Been on any dates lately?
Me: Uhhh, I went out with my ex-husband a few weeks ago.
Therapist: Oh, tell me about your marriage.
Me: Uhhh, not much to tell, it was pretty uneventful, married two years, lived together ten months of those two years, not consecutively. Got divorced four years ago.
Therapist: *stare that says, please expound*
Me: He was very young, had been taught that when things are tough it is ok to walk out, and we both knew before we got married that we shouldn't get married.
Therapist: Why weren't you ready to get married?
Me: Well, let's see, we dated, got engaged, broke up, I began dating someone else...who was dating someone else...tried to kill myself, went to crazy hospital, got out, went to next crazy hospital, got out, three weeks later we got married.
Therapist: Oh. blah blah blah about the crazy hospital, blah blah blah what? They closed while you were there?
Me: yes, they said you can go to the state hospital or you can be better. So, I was better. I did get a lot of drugs out of the deal though. Which probably didn't help my marriage out much.
Therapist: Why?
Me: Found out I was pregnant a week after we got married, miscarried two weeks later, presumably due to Depakote consumption.
Therapist: Tell me about the miscarriage.
Me: Uhhh, what do you want to know??
Therapist: When people don't deal with traumatic experiences, which you have a lot of, when they happen, they get stuck. (ya think) Miscarriage is a painful thing. (ya think) It is a death, it has to be dealt with. When you go back and talk about it, then you can move on.
Me: Ok, we talked about it, can we go down the list one by one and just fix me.
Therapist: You have to identify the feelings, and then feel them.
Me: OHHHHH
Therapist: How did you feel during the miscarriage?
Me: Uhhh, (yes that is my favorite response) scared, angry.....long pause......what is the word for the feeling that you are getting what you deserve?
Therapist: False guilt.
Me: No, not false, it is deserved.
Therapist: I guess it would be guilt, why do you feel like you deserved that?
Me: You are a therapist, you know exactly why I feel that way.
Therapist: So, you had an abortion?
Me: See, I don't even need to talk you can do this by yourself.
Therapist: Tell me about the abortion.................
You can see where this is going. I didn't even have to argue about reading the letter. We never got that far. She almost broke me, several times. Doesn't she know I don't cry in front of people?? Thankfully I managed to keep my composure. It seems to me that therapy, for someone like me, slightly, not quite, but slightly, unstable, is somewhat counterproductive. With my self destructive tendencies, leaving a session with an 'open wound' if you will, doesn't seem that safe. Especially one that leaves me feeling dirty, worthless, evil and desperately, utterly hopeless of any future good. But what do I know?
Therapist: Been on any dates lately?
Me: Uhhh, I went out with my ex-husband a few weeks ago.
Therapist: Oh, tell me about your marriage.
Me: Uhhh, not much to tell, it was pretty uneventful, married two years, lived together ten months of those two years, not consecutively. Got divorced four years ago.
Therapist: *stare that says, please expound*
Me: He was very young, had been taught that when things are tough it is ok to walk out, and we both knew before we got married that we shouldn't get married.
Therapist: Why weren't you ready to get married?
Me: Well, let's see, we dated, got engaged, broke up, I began dating someone else...who was dating someone else...tried to kill myself, went to crazy hospital, got out, went to next crazy hospital, got out, three weeks later we got married.
Therapist: Oh. blah blah blah about the crazy hospital, blah blah blah what? They closed while you were there?
Me: yes, they said you can go to the state hospital or you can be better. So, I was better. I did get a lot of drugs out of the deal though. Which probably didn't help my marriage out much.
Therapist: Why?
Me: Found out I was pregnant a week after we got married, miscarried two weeks later, presumably due to Depakote consumption.
Therapist: Tell me about the miscarriage.
Me: Uhhh, what do you want to know??
Therapist: When people don't deal with traumatic experiences, which you have a lot of, when they happen, they get stuck. (ya think) Miscarriage is a painful thing. (ya think) It is a death, it has to be dealt with. When you go back and talk about it, then you can move on.
Me: Ok, we talked about it, can we go down the list one by one and just fix me.
Therapist: You have to identify the feelings, and then feel them.
Me: OHHHHH
Therapist: How did you feel during the miscarriage?
Me: Uhhh, (yes that is my favorite response) scared, angry.....long pause......what is the word for the feeling that you are getting what you deserve?
Therapist: False guilt.
Me: No, not false, it is deserved.
Therapist: I guess it would be guilt, why do you feel like you deserved that?
Me: You are a therapist, you know exactly why I feel that way.
Therapist: So, you had an abortion?
Me: See, I don't even need to talk you can do this by yourself.
Therapist: Tell me about the abortion.................
You can see where this is going. I didn't even have to argue about reading the letter. We never got that far. She almost broke me, several times. Doesn't she know I don't cry in front of people?? Thankfully I managed to keep my composure. It seems to me that therapy, for someone like me, slightly, not quite, but slightly, unstable, is somewhat counterproductive. With my self destructive tendencies, leaving a session with an 'open wound' if you will, doesn't seem that safe. Especially one that leaves me feeling dirty, worthless, evil and desperately, utterly hopeless of any future good. But what do I know?
posted by Bttrfly1976 at 10:56 PM
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3 Comments:
Sounds like you're feeling the feelings. Maybe that is progress.
Feeling the feelings does suck...no doubt about it. Wish I had some magic pixie dust for you that I could sprinkle on you and make it go away but alas...I don't.
On the other hand, I do have my "listening ears" on and you can use those all you want.
I know, it does seem to stir up a lot. I have been on the other end and it does feel bad to let someone leave right when we are getting to the core and emotions. I agree with LL, at least you are feeling and although I know you mostly don't want to feel it is a good thing. c'mon, get a good pillow and let yourself cry.
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