Help My Unbelief
Have you ever been told by a close friend that you aren't a Christian? If you haven't, let me just save you the suspense and tell you, it isn't the least bit pleasant.
A month ago she could see growth in me, now it is rationalized as 'perhaps those were just times when you were in a good mood.' Seriously??
Let me not misrepresent. What she actually said was "If someone has Jesus in them you can see it, and I can't see it in you."
I feel broken. I feel like our relationship is broken. I feel like no matter how this is resolved, our friendship can never be what it was. Why would I want it to, really? I can't fathom how someone who has walked through the past six months with me could feel that way. I can't understand why on earth she thinks God would tell her I'm not a Christian and leave me thinking I am. That isn't logical. I don't believe God is into tricking people. I don't believe He would allow me to be assured of my salvation only to have someone else reveal to me it's a fluke. But she doesn't hear that. She is convinced that the Holy Spirit has convicted her of this. I love her, though, and am not only crushed by her words, but pained at the loss of relationship.
And because I'm me and satan knows how to attack me, I wonder. I think, could she be right. What if I'm wrong. What if all this time of believing I was growing in my walk was really just in my head. What if.......but that can't be right. I have to believe that what I feel in my heart is true. That I am His child and that I am safe where I am. And then I doubt again. But you know, I believe that even the doubt is a part of my process. I believe that this roller coaster is a part of my process. I believe that I am in the middle of some devastatingly painful healing and it will be a long, hard road. I believe that even if none of my friends make it to the end of this road with me, that He has promised to never leave my side. I believe that on the really bumpy parts, like now, He is carrying me through because I just don't have the strength to walk. And then I doubt again.
Lord I believe, help my unbelief.
A month ago she could see growth in me, now it is rationalized as 'perhaps those were just times when you were in a good mood.' Seriously??
Let me not misrepresent. What she actually said was "If someone has Jesus in them you can see it, and I can't see it in you."
I feel broken. I feel like our relationship is broken. I feel like no matter how this is resolved, our friendship can never be what it was. Why would I want it to, really? I can't fathom how someone who has walked through the past six months with me could feel that way. I can't understand why on earth she thinks God would tell her I'm not a Christian and leave me thinking I am. That isn't logical. I don't believe God is into tricking people. I don't believe He would allow me to be assured of my salvation only to have someone else reveal to me it's a fluke. But she doesn't hear that. She is convinced that the Holy Spirit has convicted her of this. I love her, though, and am not only crushed by her words, but pained at the loss of relationship.
And because I'm me and satan knows how to attack me, I wonder. I think, could she be right. What if I'm wrong. What if all this time of believing I was growing in my walk was really just in my head. What if.......but that can't be right. I have to believe that what I feel in my heart is true. That I am His child and that I am safe where I am. And then I doubt again. But you know, I believe that even the doubt is a part of my process. I believe that this roller coaster is a part of my process. I believe that I am in the middle of some devastatingly painful healing and it will be a long, hard road. I believe that even if none of my friends make it to the end of this road with me, that He has promised to never leave my side. I believe that on the really bumpy parts, like now, He is carrying me through because I just don't have the strength to walk. And then I doubt again.
Lord I believe, help my unbelief.
posted by Bttrfly1976 at 12:02 AM
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1 Comments:
What gall! I would not want to stand before the Almighty and be held accountable for saying that to anyone. As to the last part of your post, how beautiful!
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