Into the Depths: Help My Unbelief

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Help My Unbelief

Have you ever been told by a close friend that you aren't a Christian? If you haven't, let me just save you the suspense and tell you, it isn't the least bit pleasant.

A month ago she could see growth in me, now it is rationalized as 'perhaps those were just times when you were in a good mood.' Seriously??

Let me not misrepresent. What she actually said was "If someone has Jesus in them you can see it, and I can't see it in you."

I feel broken. I feel like our relationship is broken. I feel like no matter how this is resolved, our friendship can never be what it was. Why would I want it to, really? I can't fathom how someone who has walked through the past six months with me could feel that way. I can't understand why on earth she thinks God would tell her I'm not a Christian and leave me thinking I am. That isn't logical. I don't believe God is into tricking people. I don't believe He would allow me to be assured of my salvation only to have someone else reveal to me it's a fluke. But she doesn't hear that. She is convinced that the Holy Spirit has convicted her of this. I love her, though, and am not only crushed by her words, but pained at the loss of relationship.

And because I'm me and satan knows how to attack me, I wonder. I think, could she be right. What if I'm wrong. What if all this time of believing I was growing in my walk was really just in my head. What if.......but that can't be right. I have to believe that what I feel in my heart is true. That I am His child and that I am safe where I am. And then I doubt again. But you know, I believe that even the doubt is a part of my process. I believe that this roller coaster is a part of my process. I believe that I am in the middle of some devastatingly painful healing and it will be a long, hard road. I believe that even if none of my friends make it to the end of this road with me, that He has promised to never leave my side. I believe that on the really bumpy parts, like now, He is carrying me through because I just don't have the strength to walk. And then I doubt again.

Lord I believe, help my unbelief.


Blogger LiteratureLover said...

What gall! I would not want to stand before the Almighty and be held accountable for saying that to anyone. As to the last part of your post, how beautiful!

March 07, 2007 11:55 PM  

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