Good TImes

Today is my wedding anniversary. Of course, I have been divorced for almost five years, but today still sucks. Wednesday, the 7th, will make nine years since the crazy man broke in my home and assaulted me. The 18th is the seven year anniversary of my miscarriage. Finally, we come to the ninth, my 31st birthday. Birthdays shouldn't really be bad. I just keep thinking, with each one that passes, that I am one year older, that much closer to the end of my life, it's flying by, and I'm still alone.

I have no idea what to do about my ailing friendships. I can't fathom just giving them up, but I also can't fathom how to fix them. As hurt as I am, how much of a friend was I, really, if I am seriously considering closing the door on the relationships after a week of struggle, not even so much as a fight.

My parents are dying.

My pedophile brother is having a daughter.

My thirty two year old sister is having a hysterectomy tomorrow.

I am seven weeks into digging up memories I buried twenty five years ago and still not sure how I will survive the details that will surface over the next several months.

I am spiraling. When I try to sleep my chest tightens and I feel like I can't breathe. When I think, all I can do is cry. I am confused and I am alone. And it sucks to be back in this place.