The Meeting

Is it ok if I just want to curl up in a ball and cry, for a long, long time? I don't know why I feel that way, but feel that way, I do. If only I could make the tears come out. Anyway, the meeting wasn't terrible. It wasn't great, but it wasn't terrible.

I froze. My mind went blank and I just stared and shook my head. I am such a freaking wimp. So there I sat, looking like an idiot, wishing I could crawl under a rock. The preacher was nice, he does, however, think I should wait on joining the church. Can you say rejection? I know that wasn't what was meant by it, really he wants me to keep coming and see who they are, what they are really all about, and make sure it is really where I want to be. My thought, why would I be sitting in his office feeling as though I was being tortured if I didn't really want to be there. Whatever, rejection or not, it feels like rejection. Part of my distorted thinking I am sure.

He gave me a woman's number and told me he wanted me to call her today. UHHHH. He said call her, tell her who you are and that I told you to call. On Sunday I will introduce you in person. I said, "Am I going to get yelled at if I don't call?" Yes. Ok, this woman is a complete stranger and is going to think I am a complete idiot, but ok.

So, pushing through my failed meeting and willing myself to not give up, just keep trying, I called. She was exceptionally nice. We spoke for about half an hour and I was truly more open with her than I ever thought possible. She asked if I'd like to have lunch with her on Sunday after church, so I guess we will see if I can face her in person.

So, why do I feel like complete and total crap? Here are my thoughts. Either, A) I am ticked at myself for not being able to talk to the preacher and tell him anything of what I had planned to tell him. B) I am just feeling a bit overwhelmed because of the things that I spoke on the phone today....that I almost never speak of. Or, C) The fact that I am so very close to actually moving, to doing what I have avoided for all of my life, to feeling, experiencing, connecting, that I am feeling completely consumed by horrific terror. Terror of the unknown and of being exposed. I don't know which, maybe all of the above. I do know that I feel as though I could easily fall into a million pieces at this very moment. That's all I've got for now.