Into the Depths: The Meeting

Friday, August 25, 2006

The Meeting

Is it ok if I just want to curl up in a ball and cry, for a long, long time? I don't know why I feel that way, but feel that way, I do. If only I could make the tears come out. Anyway, the meeting wasn't terrible. It wasn't great, but it wasn't terrible.

I froze. My mind went blank and I just stared and shook my head. I am such a freaking wimp. So there I sat, looking like an idiot, wishing I could crawl under a rock. The preacher was nice, he does, however, think I should wait on joining the church. Can you say rejection? I know that wasn't what was meant by it, really he wants me to keep coming and see who they are, what they are really all about, and make sure it is really where I want to be. My thought, why would I be sitting in his office feeling as though I was being tortured if I didn't really want to be there. Whatever, rejection or not, it feels like rejection. Part of my distorted thinking I am sure.

He gave me a woman's number and told me he wanted me to call her today. UHHHH. He said call her, tell her who you are and that I told you to call. On Sunday I will introduce you in person. I said, "Am I going to get yelled at if I don't call?" Yes. Ok, this woman is a complete stranger and is going to think I am a complete idiot, but ok.

So, pushing through my failed meeting and willing myself to not give up, just keep trying, I called. She was exceptionally nice. We spoke for about half an hour and I was truly more open with her than I ever thought possible. She asked if I'd like to have lunch with her on Sunday after church, so I guess we will see if I can face her in person.

So, why do I feel like complete and total crap? Here are my thoughts. Either, A) I am ticked at myself for not being able to talk to the preacher and tell him anything of what I had planned to tell him. B) I am just feeling a bit overwhelmed because of the things that I spoke on the phone today....that I almost never speak of. Or, C) The fact that I am so very close to actually moving, to doing what I have avoided for all of my life, to feeling, experiencing, connecting, that I am feeling completely consumed by horrific terror. Terror of the unknown and of being exposed. I don't know which, maybe all of the above. I do know that I feel as though I could easily fall into a million pieces at this very moment. That's all I've got for now.


Blogger theresa said...

I've been there, a lot of times. Change scares me, but I have learned to move fear-ward. Hang in there and God Bless You.

August 25, 2006 7:43 PM  
Anonymous Beth said...

Sometimes..the only way for God to meet us is to step out of our box. He can't help us if we don't meet him halfway.

You're gonna make it.

I know it.

As ever...praying...

August 26, 2006 12:05 AM  
Blogger LiteratureLover said...

I wish I could just reach through the computer and give you a hug! I'm so sorry it didn't go good. We can't anticipate how we'll feel. I know his words, about not joining yet, hurt. But, I am glad that you were able to talk to the lady. I'm proud of you for calling her, because that was a huge risk after the meeting.

August 26, 2006 8:44 AM  
Blogger LiteratureLover said...

P.S. I think it's A, B AND C! That's a lot in one day.

August 26, 2006 8:46 AM  
Blogger Bttrfly1976 said...

Theresa: Thank you for the encouragement, and I think I will steal your word, Fear-ward. ;)

Beth: I think your right, which is scary but necessary. Thank you for your continuing prayers.

LL: I am not much of a hugger, but I think at this point I'd actually take you up on it. Sometimes your comments bring me near tears, not because you hurt me, of course. I think your kindness actually makes me sad, not normal sad.....I guess it goes along with the hug thing, when they are real, they hurt. Ok, I can't explain that, hopefully you at least have an idea of what I mean.Thanks for your encouragement, again and again.

August 26, 2006 8:55 AM  
Blogger Paulette said...

Hey stephanie, give yourself a great big pat on the back. How brave of you to go in the first place. It doesnt mean it went bad at all, it means you took the first and most important step towards healing.
its all about baby steps, you are doing it.
Thankyou for your kind words on my site. I think it would be awesome to meet! You inspire me evertime I read your blog. You are brave and compassionate about what you want. It is hard going through this trust me.

August 26, 2006 12:57 PM  
Blogger LauraLou said...

I'm not really sure what this church is all about, but I pray God will show you where he would have you fellowship with other believers and worship him. You need a safe place, that's for sure! I'm glad you were able to open up with them and I pray you will see that as a huge victory! Joining a church is important, but not something to be rushed at all so take your time! Continue to walk through open doors that are leading you to healing and continue to seek the Lord's guidance...only He can show you were you really need to be!

:) Thanks for sharing your heart with us. I love your honesty and openness!

August 26, 2006 2:31 PM  
Blogger SuperMom said...

What the heck?! So you can't join until you've been "approved"?

I think that is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.

Make sure you're ready?!

I have many, many thoughts on this, but no time to run down through them all. So I'll sit here and shake my head instead.

August 30, 2006 6:42 AM  

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