Into the Depths: Sunsets

Monday, March 26, 2007


Pretty sunset, huh?

So, I'm having some confusion in my brain these days. I know that is new and shocking for anyone who reads this blog, but there it is just the same. ;) The good news is, it is new confusion, I imagine that is just another part of this process called life. Once you get something figured out it is time to move on to the next area that will boggle your mind.

Here it is, what do I do with this friendship now? I don't know what to do with it, where to go, walk away altogether, I just don't know. Somehow I don't feel like it is right to hug on Wednesday's and Sunday's, listen to the customary "I love you," then go our separate ways. That feels so shallow and trite to me. Fake even. I don't harbor ill feelings toward her, though I have to give my thoughts over to God innumerable times each day in order that my heart might stay resentment free. I have found that my normal tendency is to sink into that bitterness with full force simply to protect myself from further harm. But I have been diligently asking the Father to protect my heart from that very thing.

Problem is, I have nowhere to go with the friendship. There is no foundation. The depth and closeness that I thought were there must have been in my own mind. I say that because for her to know as little of my heart as she now seems to know, any depth we had must have been one sided. So, we could start from scratch except that she still feels as though she is right. Which would be fine if the problem were about what shoes go with which outfit, but it is instead about the condition of my heart. It doesn't matter that I know she is wrong, it matters that we have nothing to build a friendship on. Even in my darkest days, God was a part of my life. I have never had a friendship that God was not a part of....why would I want to? Thus, I don't know how I can have a meaningful relationship with someone who doubts me to the core.

Yet, I hear sermons on friendship, on being a peacemaker, on building bridges in broken relationships, so I am left wondering what the right thing to do is. I don't know what would honor God here. I don't know what He would have me do. As of now, I still go to Life Group at her house. Each week, though, is a huge battle in my mind because I can't help but feel her rolling her eyes when I say something, wondering who else she has shared her feelings with, wondering if her husband, the leader of the group, believes about me as she does. I know for a fact that is not of God. So again, I beseech God to allow me just to rest in His grace and remember that He alone knows my heart. But, let me tell you, that is HARD.

Point to the story, I have no idea what to do.


Blogger LiteratureLover said...

P.S. Oh my word, oh my word, oh my WORD!!! I LOVE that song. It was just what I needed. Thank you!

March 28, 2007 11:27 AM  
Blogger LiteratureLover said...

Hey, I just wrote a really long comment on here before the P.S. and now I can't find it. Rats! I have to run. I'll be back to try to re-write it again.

March 28, 2007 11:28 AM  
Blogger Bttrfly1976 said...

awww, I want your really long comment. :( Ok, I'll quit whining. It is an awesome song, isn't it!! I heard it on the radio and went straight to the store to get the c.d. But, no such luck, it isn't even out yet. I am looking forward to it, though!

March 28, 2007 6:57 PM  
Blogger LiteratureLover said...

Okay, back to what I was originally saying... I can't imagine how hard it would be to meet her and feel that pain on a weekly basis. One, I think that is a God thing. Two, it's a God thing. :)

And the only advice I had to offer was that I don't think she has to remain a close friend. I DO think that we have to treat everyone as our neighbor, and God said to love our neighbor. Or at worst, she is your enemy. Which, God also said to love and it sounds like you are doing both. This comment is coming off preachy to me and that's not how I intended it. I'm really just trying to affirm what you're feeling. I guess I'm not sure your friendship will ever be renewed but I am so proud of you for sticking it out and going to group in spite of everything. God is good.

March 29, 2007 9:31 AM  
Blogger Bttrfly1976 said...

I didn't think it was preachy, but I know what you mean. Recently when trying to explain what I'm feeling to someone I stop myself because I feel like I sound 'churchy.' But, really there's no other way to say it so I better get past that! God is good!!

March 30, 2007 5:30 PM  

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