Lament

I was thinking Tuesday night about the fact that it was Casta's birthday and I already told you it reminded me of the night I lost my second child. It was then that it occurred to me that 8 years, four months and six days could seem like but a blink in time. I began yelling to the Heavens that I wanted them back. I cried out to the Father who is the giver as well as the taker. I wasn't angry, just broken hearted. I can't remember the last time I cried so hard. The weight I mentioned has seemed less since then so maybe it was what I needed.

When is it enough, though. Will I ever not miss them. Not ache when I see a pregnant woman or a proud mother pushing the stroller that cradles her newborn? Not feel that sting of jealousy when a sister is expecting her second, third, fifth? Will the hurt ever go away.

I can only assume that just as you do not stop loving your living children, neither do you stop longing for those who left before you.

It was the announcement that Rachael, my youngest sister, is three months along that pushed me toward the decision that it was a good time to get back into counseling. I'm happy for her, truly. I also catch myself thinking of all the reasons she shouldn't be having another child right now. When I'm deep down honest with myself, though, I know that comes from my pain more than anything else. I wish that I could just be excited for her without the pang hidden away in the depths of my heart.

I amaze myself with my ability to come to the brink of profound feeling only to immediately thrust myself back to emotional paralysis.....just a side note.