A Not So Happy Post

I am so sad. I have been avoiding writing a new post since Saturday evening because I knew it would be too sad and have a ton of misspelled words as I wouldn't be able to see through the tears. Well, here it is three days later, my heart is still aching. Smart as I am, I am watching the country music awards and Keith Urban is singing his oh so happy song, "Tonight I Wanna Cry." So I figured maybe if I write about it, cry about it, whatever, maybe that will make it go away, so here goes.

There are times, like now, that I really question whether I am completely sane or not. I know I'm not crazy because crazy people don't question their craziness, they think it is normal. However, I do often wonder what it is that is malfunctioned inside me and how in the world I can fix it. I am not a very open person. O.k. I am not an open person, at all. At least not in real life, face to face. Ask me to write and out everything spews, but talking is a whole other ballgame. I can't do it. It is like I freeze. I know that fear is a huge part of it, but more often than not, I can't even pinpoint what I actually think and feel. I have a big problem in identifying my own emotions. I am a walking contradiction. I crave closeness and connection, but I do everything in my power to keep people at a distance. I long to be loved but run as if my life depended on it when someone shows too much interest. I ache for God's forgiveness but fear rejection too much to approach Him for it. I hate being alone but self sabotage relationships to avoid being abandoned. The more I care about someone, the meaner I am to them. If someone hurts me, I hurt myself to make the pain go away. If someone makes me mad, I am mad at myself for allowing myself to care enough about them that they could make me mad. If someone leaves me, I believe it must be deserved.

I got to see me friend (www.heartsjoy.blogspot.com) last week and for the first time in ten years, actually spend more than three hours with her. I was so happy that I was going to see her, but so nervous at the same time. During our time together I felt it so strange that this person whom I had felt so close to, still did in some sense, was really a stranger. I knew her, deeply, and yet knew nothing about her or her life over the last ten years. It was a big struggle for me to try to reconcile those extremes. I have spent my life not letting people know me and I am afraid that it has become a permanent thing. I couldn't let her in. We have talked online and sometimes I have been able to be real with her, but in person, I was sealed behind my self erected prison walls. I wanted to break them down, climb over them, something, but I could not figure out how to get out from behind them. What if I can't, what if I am locked in here forever. The last night we had together we sat out on the balcony watching the ocean waves roll in and out and I tried so hard inside myself to break through and let her in, but it was pointless. So I just turned my head away and cried. Me, being the not so normal person that I am, was fearing that she wouldn't want to be friend anymore because I had disappointed her. These are the crazy things that go through my mind.

We said our goodbyes Saturday evening, and on the drive back to the condo I was crying my eyes out. Luckily my sweet little Mayson is very empathetic and he cried with me because he missed his best friend(Heartsjoy's son....I am afraid that feeling wasn't mutual, but Mayson didn't mind.) I cried because I knew I wouldn't see her again for a very long time but more so, I cried because I couldn't be real with the one person I had at any point been able to be real with. It sometimes seems to me that the more I learn about the issues I struggle with, the more they seem to overpower me. It should be the opposite, you know, knowledge is power. I feel trapped though. Trapped in my own world of walls, masks, fear, confusion, pain, shame, hiding and contradiction. You know, I read books on the subject, I feel relief that at least I am not the only one in this predicament, but I don't want to just know more about it. It is like my struggle with God, I know so much ABOUT Him. Memorize the scripture verse, go to church, read a little Max Lucado.......a lot really, but it doesn't get me any closer to actually knowing God. Same problem here, I read about it, learn about it, but it doesn't solve anything, I want out. There has to be a solution. I need someone to click my "ctrl. alt. delete," then hit "end program," report the error to God so that He can fix the problem in the next person, and then just completely restart me.

So, point to the story, I miss my friend, I am sad, I feel hopeless, and I am a little ticked off about it. Let me clarify by saying that I don't mean completely hopeless toward life, just that this situation, this "disease" feels permanent and inescapable. And just in case I wasn't quite sad enough, I just got off the phone with my mother. She called to let me know how her appointment with the doctor went today. Let's just say that she has an emergency appointment with an oncologist at 8:15 in the morning and surgery will take place within the next three days for a complete hysterectomy, and they say hopefully that is the only place the cancer is so far. No that wasn't expected, yes it is a complete shock. The only other people I have known who were diagnosed with cancer are my grandmother who died three months after diagnosis, my neighbors mother who died ten months after diagnosis, and my sisters mother-in-law who died seven months after diagnosis. So, needless to say, I don't even know how to process this information. This post did not succeed in making me unsad. (I know that is not a word and I don't care)