For Lack of a Better Post

I feel empty. That is stupid, because I know that somewhere inside my heart of hearts is a plethora of emotion waiting patiently to be exhumed. Yet, I feel empty and very much alone. At least the alone part is accurate. I slept away the weekend, except for driving my mother home from the hospital.....still no pathology results. I am dreading waking up for work in the morning. Seven a.m. will be very painful after sleeping past noon today. There is so much I need to feel but all I can seem to sense is this ever so subtle downward spiral into the pit of blackened emptiness. I know this spiral well. In the past several years I have been able to recognize it early and do something, anything to stop the downward motion and remain, all be it barely, in the land of the living. Here I go, however, into the depths of the walking dead. Numb, empty and alone.

I imagine that this is why normal people have close friendships. This is one of those times that you would call said friend and pour your heart out and ask for prayer. I am not the normal type though, now am I. So I sit alone and wonder how to stop the despair engulfing my spirit and wonder if I even care. I know I do care but in this state it is hard to remember why. I don't want to feel, I don't want to think, I don't want to eat.... I just want to fade into nothingness and stay there until......I don't know till when. I just know I don't want to be here now, facing a life that I can't seem to function in.