Into the Depths: What a Mess

Monday, October 15, 2007

What a Mess

I'm a mess. Not a mess in the way I once was a mess, just a minor mess rather than a catastrophe on legs.

Someone asked me today how my life was going and I said it was 'fine and dandy,' to which they replied, "There was a time when I never thought I would hear you say something like that." And that is quite true. I am in all actuality a different person than I was a year ago today. God amazes me, I will say that. I thought for a very, very long time that I was completely hopeless. Now hope is my lifeline. I should have that tattooed somewhere.....I wonder where I could put that. Hmmm, maybe a Chinese symbol for hope or something......

Anyway, I am a bit of a mess right now and I think because I've been in such bad places, emotionally speaking, that it is hard for me to really look into what is going on because I want to blow it off as not being that big of a deal. I know better though. It is a big deal and if I ignore it then I will simply progress(or the opposite thereof) to a place where the mess is much bigger.

I feel like I'm talking in circles again.

I am once again without a life group. I can't go into all the details as they involve others but there was an issue....an indiscretion, not involving me but it affected the entire group. So, there are four people directly affected who have been asked to find new life groups and while I am not one of them, my connection to that group is one of them. This sounds strange but just know that it was probably the best decision for most involved, as far as those four no longer being a part. Anyway....I think I'm done with life groups for now. I'm not being defeated about it I just don't really fit in any of the groups we currently have so I'm going to just wait and see what new ones pop up.

We have a new woman's group at my church on Saturday mornings.....at 8 am. While that morning thing is a huge issue, I still really want to be a part of it. So, while it was still dark outside this past Saturday, I got my rear out of bed and went, and I liked it, a lot. I talked....without being called on. I actually volunteered information in a room of 38 women including the woman you will remember from life group number one. It was crazy. So I guess there will be no more sleeping in for me. It's being called a 'life transformation' group....who wouldn't want to be a part. :)

Here's why I'm pretty much a mess. Firstly, because everything in my life still seems to revolve around extremes. I eat everything or eat nothing. I spend way too much until I can't pay my bills, then in an effort to recover I spend nothing extra which causes me to panic so I go spend too much again. If I'm going to date we're going to sleep together....so I have given up on dating, it's been over a year now. These are not healthy behaviors for anyone who may be wondering, though I have no idea why I do them or how to fix them. But as I saw my paycheck for this week and my heart sank as I tried to figure out how on earth I will pay last months bills plus this months bills when there isn't even enough for one of the two.....well let's just say I am beginning to see that my life is becoming unmanageable. But how do I fix it if I don't even know why I do it....yeah I don't know either.

And then there's my mom.............I don't even know where to start. Did I mention she had been in the hospital for a couple of months back in May and June? I can't remember so I'll go check, please hold

****Insert cheesy elevator music here****

I did mention it. So you already know that. Well, we had two unpleasant visits and I haven't seen or spoken to her since the last one, in June. The first visit she was talking about my brother and that his wife was seeking a divorce and full custody of the baby. My response was that at least that way we would know that she(the baby) would be safe from him. To which she replied, "That's just it, Stephanie, I don't think he did it." So, all that progress we had made, the conversations where she had said she had believed my sisters and I and simply didn't know what to do, the ones where she had so sincerely apologized......that was all crap. So during the second visit when she told me she wished I wouldn't take diet pills I told her I didn't care. Not rudely, just matter of fact. I simply didn't care one way or the other what her opinion was on the matter. She couldn't believe that and let me know that she cares about what I think on everything. :) (Can you see how well this conversation was going?) So I told her I didn't believe her and she got offended and said "So you think I just lie to you?" I said that I think she has a habit of telling people what she thinks they want to hear in any given situation.

Then I stopped. And I told her that is exactly why I didn't like to go and see her. Because all we do is argue. She said she didn't know what she could say to me since I think everything she says is a lie....no manipulation there. So I told her good bye and walked out. THE END.

She let my sister know the other day that her son was a mistake and a sin(he's five and was conceived outside of marriage) and also reminded her that God is, in fact, a punishing God.

It's hard to understand why my brain is so screwy, isn't it. ;)


Blogger LiteratureLover said...

God is amazing. It's incredible that you spoke up in a group of so many woman and even at 8:00 A.M. on a SATURDAY?!! Wow!

I am so sorry about your Mom. Youch! That had to hurt bigtime. It is interesting how she wants you to believe her but she won't believe you. I don't have anything to say on that but I'll pray about it.

Thanks for the fill-in. :)

October 15, 2007 9:56 PM  
Blogger Bttrfly1976 said...

That is interesting, hadn't even thought of it like that. I would like to say I've resigned myself to the fact that this is just the way it will be with us from now on, but if I had I wouldn't still be talking about it, now would I??

Oh well!

October 16, 2007 9:52 AM  
Blogger Paulette said...

Hey Stephanie,
Wow even through all you are dealing with you still have a keen sense of what is right and true.
I can tell you though that you are on the right track and the healthier WE become the more we can see the dysfunction in the one's we are dealing with. You are not crazy, and you are on the right path. It isnt a easy path to recovery but there are ways in which we can become stronger and in control of our lives. I attend a wonderful group on Friday nights called Celebrate Recovery, it is a Christian based support of people who have learned to handle everyday obstacles by doing the 12 step walk. It is exactly everything you have talked about here.You are welcome to come if you would like.
I am praying for you because you are indeed not the same person you were last year!

October 21, 2007 10:16 AM  
Blogger Bttrfly1976 said...

Hey Paulette, thanks for the encouragement!! The group I'm doing on Sat. mornings is, in fact, a twelve step study! I think it is going to be amazing!!

October 22, 2007 4:21 PM  

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