Into the Depths

Halloween

2011-10-31T20:31:00.003-05:00

This post has nothing to do with Halloween, but it amuses me that I still spell it using the song I learned in second grade. Anyway, I'm sad and that is why I write. Why am I sad, who knows. Maybe because the rest of the world is out walking their children door to door while I sit alone in my house with the tv turned up hoping I won't hear their laughter. Maybe I am depressed. Maybe both.

I admit I feel like giving up. I have reached this place that I am not sure I have been before. I know the Truth. I know it it is true beyond a shadow of a doubt. However, I live as though I don't know it at all. My heart tells me that the God of love is, in my life, only the God of disappointment. That my heart will not heal. That I will never be whole. That my dreams will only ever exist in my sleep. That I am and always will be alone. That no one, especially God, will ever really love me. Now, I know those are lies. But, I live as though they are truth. And, I am told, that you can not live contrary to your beliefs. So, perhaps what I say I believe is actually not what I believe at all. What if I don't know Jesus anymore than I know His love. What if my inability to accept His truth in the depths of my heart means that I never believed it to begin with.

So, all that to say, I find myself wondering if there is a point to my story at all. Perhaps all this church, all this bible study, all this begging Him to let me find Him. Maybe it's all just a waste of time and energy. I feel like I can't seek Him any more than I already have in my life. He said if I seek with all my heart I'll find Him. I haven't found Him and He hasn't found me, which means I must be doing it wrong. Problem is, I don't know how to do it any differently so I don't know that I shouldn't just give in. The lies are easier to believe anyway, right?

Fifteen Years

2011-10-03T21:55:00.000-05:00

I miss you today. I miss you everyday. For the past fifteen years, and for the next.

Wooden Heart

2011-08-18T17:20:00.004-05:00

Ok, so for me, it was a little difficult to follow along with the artist actually speaking the poem. The words, however, are too beautiful, raw and powerful not to have shared.

Enjoy

&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;a href="http://listener.bandcamp.com/track/wooden-heart-poem"&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;Wooden Heart (poem) by listener&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;/a&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;

WOODEN HEART (sea of mist called skaidan)
We’re all born to broken people on their most honest day of living
and since that first breath... We’ll need grace that we’ve never given
I've been haunted by standard red devils and white ghosts
and it's not only when these eyes are closed
these lies are ropes that I tie down in my stomach,
but they hold this ship together tossed like leaves in this weather
and my dreams are sails that I point towards my true north,
stretched thin over my rib bones, and pray that it gets better
but it won’t won’t, at least I don’t believe it will...
so I've built a wooden heart inside this iron ship,
to sail these blood red seas and find your coasts.
don’t let these waves wash away your hopes
this war-ship is sinking, and I still believe in anchors
pulling fist fulls of rotten wood from my heart, I still believe in saviors
but I know that we are all made out of shipwrecks, every single board
washed and bound like crooked teeth on these rocky shores
so come on and let’s wash each other with tears of joy and tears of grief
and fold our lives like crashing waves and run up on this beach
come on and sew us together, tattered rags stained forever
we only have what we remember

I am the barely living son of a woman and man who barely made it
but we’re making it taped together on borrowed crutches and new starts
we all have the same holes in our hearts...
everything falls apart at the exact same time
that it all comes together perfectly for the next step
but my fear is this prison... that I keep locked below the main deck
I keep a key under my pillow, it’s quiet and it’s hidden
and my hopes are weapons that I’m still learning how to use right
but they’re heavy and I’m awkward...always running out of fight
so I’ve carved a wooden heart, put it in this sinking ship
hoping it would help me float for just a few more weeks
because I am made out of shipwrecks, every twisted beam
lost and found like you and me scattered out on the sea
so come on let’s wash each other with tears of joy and tears of grief
and fold our lives like crashing waves and run up on this beach
come on and sew us together, just some tattered rags stained forever
we only have what we remember

My throat it still tastes like house fire and salt water
I wear this tide like loose skin, rock me to sleep
if we hold on tight we’ll hold each other together
and not just be some fools rushing to die in our sleep
all these machines will rust I promise, but we'll still be electric
shocking each other back to life
Your hand in mine, my fingers in your veins connected
our bones grown together inside
our hands entwined, my fingers in your veins braided
our spines grown stronger in time
because are church is made out of shipwrecks
from every hull these rocks have claimed
but we pick ourselves up, and try and grow better through the change
so come on yall and let’s wash each other with tears of joy and tears of grief
and fold our lives like crashing waves and run up on this beach
come on and sew us together, were just tattered rags stained forever
we only have what we remember

credits

from Wooden Heart Poems, released 06 July 2010

Old

2011-02-25T09:29:00.003-06:00

I am getting old...rapidly. As I near what is, for the average person, the middle of my life, I am prone to sadness. (Considering my not so healthy lifestyle, I am probably well past the middle!)

So, I'm doing what I do, trying not to think about it. Yet, thoughts invade against my will and swirl tirelessly through my mind.

Thirty-five. Single. Childless.

That is not a place most people envision for themselves.

I'm sure there's a point. A reason for the state of my life. Some grand master plan.

The problem I struggle with of late is that if this grand master plan leaves me at this stage of life, the stage most people graduated from at ten or more years my junior, well I am not sure I am able to happily resign myself to that. There are only two choices, resign happily trusting in His wisdom or continue into bitterness and resentment toward the One who created me and 'wrote each of my days in His book before one of them came to be'.

It's a tough place to be, tough choice to make. I admit, I don't like it :)

What It Takes

2010-09-29T17:14:00.003-05:00

I feel as though I am falling apart. I feel like I will break into a million pieces and not ever be whole.

The only good news in this is that I am letting myself fall apart....for the most part. There are days where I claw and scratch and do anything I can think of to make the pain stop for a moment. Most days though, I'm just letting it happen. I joined BSF (Bible Study Fellowship) and this morning before the lecture started I began to cry. So I went out in the foyer and cried through the entire thing. They pipe it through the speakers so I was able to listen to all of it as tears silently streamed down my face for an hour. If this is what it takes.....

I called a pregnancy center in my town and have signed up for a weekend thing they do to help women who have had abortions find healing. I had to go to an interview for that Monday night. It was short but the questions were tough. I left there and went to a friends house and once her husband went to sleep I completely broke down. Never in my life before have I allowed myself to fall apart in front of another human being. Sure there have been a few quiet tears that I couldn't suck up.....but never all out weeping, sobbing, heaving cries. It was strange and I still can't quite believe it happened. If this is what it takes....

The fourteenth anniversary of my abortion is next Monday. Now with all the memories filling my head, some that have always been there, some newly faced and severely painful, my heart is feeling that it's had about all that it can take. Fact of the matter is though, as bad as I feel now, knowing the worst that can happen is it kills me really doesn't sound all that bad. If that's what it takes....

How I Feel

2010-09-17T13:53:00.003-05:00

I found this online today and it so describes the inner workings of my brain that I felt the need to share it. It will probably give you a headache, welcome to my world.

Fear strikes me from all corners of my being. What, what is it that I am not seeing? Is not what I perceive what is really real? Why is it that I am the only one who sees what I see, just the way that I do? What does this mean? Surely this is what is wrong with the world right? I mean it can't be my problem. I am not afraid. I am not scared or weak or vulnerable. I need you..... NO!! ....I am strong and I don't need you. If you let me need you I won't want you anymore. And if you say I can't have you then I've got to have you. If you let me have you then I don't want you anymore. I want you when you don't want me and I need you when you won't help me. It is the biting and the pain of this cold distance that I know that somehow is familiar and is the feeling that I need to give me the illusion of safety. If I were truly safe I'd be exposed and not safe at all. Get away by coming closer and come closer by getting away. I am exposed most when I hide and hidden when I try to be who I think I am.

Feeling alone, again, abandoned as always, alone, again. I am everyone and everyone is me. Who am I again? Oh yea, that person, and that person, and this person, and this person. Where does that leave me when I am alone? Who am I then? Do I cease to exist if I am not in the company of someone off of whom I can bounce my existence and from whom all of my validation must come?

What is wrong with the world? Why can't they see my pain? Don't they know how incredibly much I hurt? Can't they see that I need them to hold some of this pain for me, validate it, and take it away; for my soul runneth over with agony. Why should I have to bear my own agony? It is not my fault. I didn't do this to me. I didn't choose to hurt like this. I am beside myself with all of this pain and anger and grief as is an infant whose mother is angry with him or her. What do I do with that angry face? It is not acceptance, it is rejecting me.....but I NEED it.....what am I to do? I don't know what to do so I put it beside me. Whatever it is, I leave it to sit there....and it builds over the course of a lifetime. It builds and it always hurts. It hurts even when I don't feel it at all. I need to get what I need. I'll die if I don't. I'll just die. I am dying to live and in my attempts to live I die.

And so I have remained trapped inside this isolated, and insulated place of youth stunted in my emotional growth. I am a victim. It is not my fault. I hurt and I hurt and I hurt. Why don't you care? Why don't you care? Make it go away. Make it stop, just love me from over there. Love me, but don't you dare really care. It would hurt too much if you were to care. I wouldn't understand who you were caring for or about because I don't know who I am. I hate who I am and what I am. I hate whoever the hell I am. I have come to hate what it is that I might be, or sometimes am. I don't like the voided vacuum within which I feel like my being exists under a glass bubble. So close, yet so far away from others am I. So close, yet so far away, from whoever I am, am I. Who are you trying to care about? What does that mean, that you want to care about me? It would mean that I needed you to care. I don't need you to care but I am dying for you to care. Still, care from over there and don't act like I need you.

Rescue me, by leaving me alone...it'll kill me. Leave me alone but rescue me. I need you to rescue me if I am to live. I am not alive. I am dead. I am dead when I try to be alive. I am alive when I act like I'm so dead I can't feel anything. There is such a sharp feel to the pain of numbness. Feeling the absence of myself like this. Where do the feelings go? Where does all of that pain hide? I dissociate from all that hurts. I give it to others. It is their fault, and their problem, not mine. Help me, while you leave me alone. Leave me alone while you help me. NOW!

I am the center of the universe. Yes I am. I am it and it is me. I will act this way too, if I feel like it. No, you can't win. I will win. I'll get you coming and I'll get you going and there will be no way that you can win. I must always win. I need to control because I feel so helplessly out of control, but you can't know that. You can't know that okay, you don't know that about me. I don't know that about me. I don't know you because I don't know me. You can't know me either. No, I won't let you in to a place that I have yet to gain access to. No, me first.

Who am I? I thought I knew just a minute ago. Then, suddenly nothing felt familiar anymore. Nothing felt okay anymore: nothing felt SAFE anymore - nothing felt as it had before. Why does this happen and what does it mean? What do you mean you don't know? You are supposed to know. I expect you to know. And if I expect it then I have a right to demand it from you. Don't go asking me for anything, NO, it depends how I feel, and what I believe in any given moment...you just never can know cause I never know what I'll do or say or feel. Every moment changes and shifts from one to the next. What is real, what is truth, whether or not I think I can take care of myself or what I feel, or right or wrong, from minute to minute changes, so I really just don't know. I don't care to know. Don't bother me about it. Leave me alone, just stay here. And be quiet while you talk to me. Talk to me silently. Words can hurt. Don't be too quiet in your silence though, because silence can kill a soul. I know, it killed mine over and over again. Dead, time and time again, risen hopes, only to fall and to die, unanswered, arms outstretched, never reached for, never grasped, arms that hung outstretched while a little girl screamed in terror and fear and had more need than any infant could possibly bear to hold. Arms...that had to hold themsleves, suspended in mid air, left alone, ignored. Arms that would take another 36 years to ever dare to reach out again. So hold me, and rock me -- rock me to stillness -- gently okay, just don't touch me really, you know?

Truth, you want to talk truth? Whose truth, yours or mine? Is there a truth between? No, my truth is truth. Your idea of truth is a lie. I don't lie. If I don't lie and our truths aren't the same that makes you a liar. Does so....just does. If I am right then you are wrong. Yes you are. No I'm not. If I am good then you are bad if you don't agree with me and or see things my way. My way isn't just right, it is the only way. What matters is what I want and need. That's my truth. And my truth is the truth. Don't you even try to lie to me, don't...

I know things but they seem fleeting. What is real and important one minute is fragile and or gone and or misunderstood-misperceived and misinterpreted by me the next minute. I don't know why? You were here a minute ago and it mattered. But then you left. While you were gone for three minutes and fifty-four seconds (clock time -- forever in my own sense of the reality of time) I forgot that you mattered to me and now I find it incredibly impossible to believe that you could love me and leave me just like that for three minutes and fifty-four seconds...to wait and to suffer like that, alone, isolated and afraid. Don't ever do that again. Promise me! Do you have any idea what you put me through? My parents left me like that. It's not alright for you to just be you and not be me -- while I'm being you too. I know things seem fleeting. Things keep changing. I can't hold anymore than I am whether I am holding anything or not.

You live in a "big picture." Life, so I am told unfolds in some "big picture" of reality. I live in millions of little pictures. Millions of pieces of reality. Snap shots from the whole, fragmented seconds of minutes that seem to encompass hours. I can't tell what is going on around me like you do. No, it does not make sense to me. Part of this picture lined up with part of that one...what am I supposed to see? What can I know from these mixed up jigsaw puzzle messages? I get part of it. I don't understand the rest. First you seem to make sense, then you don't so I get angry and frustrated. In one part of the picture I care about you but in another part of the picture I remember out of context when you said this or that and then I can't trust you anymore, or not until the next moment when two picture pieces fit briefly together. This is my experience. So one minute I want you close, from a distance and the next minute I want you distantly-close. This is what is going on inside of me. I don't want to hurt you like I do I just don't know how to make sense of all of these jumbled messages and fragmented pictures that bombard my mind constantly with images and thoughts that do not fit together, not now, not ever, hardly ever anyway. If memories are pictures of the way things were (or the way things are?) then my memories, like strewn screams, echo to a voided-abyss in a cavernous canyon. Imagine all of that sound overlapping itself. Could you hear me then, any better than I can hear you now?

Ms. A.J. Mahari - February 29, 2000

Ponderings

2010-09-15T22:18:00.002-05:00

I need to process, feel free to disregard.

I am in a war. Naively I could say it is a war with myself but I know it goes much deeper. I know my battle is not just flesh and blood.

I am watching a television show and a woman was trapped in a small box. Tied up but screaming and trying to bang her way out. My first thought is that I would give up, just lie there and die. But I know me better than that. I am a fighter even when I long to just give in. I know I fight against that which seeks to destroy me. I know this because in actuality, I really should be destroyed by this point. The problem is that I also fight against that which seeks to save me. I let no one in. I trust in no one. I cry out to God but never allow Him past arms length. I don't make these choices consciously but my life is evidence that it's truth.

These are good revelations. They are, however, useless if I can't figure out how to stop this cycle. This pattern of searching for love, being offered it but refusing ever to accept that what is offered could very well be my saving grace.

I am actively fighting even as we speak. One second I am trying to think of any way possible to lock all this madness deep back inside myself. The next I'm praying He won't allow it because as terrified, exhausted and alone as I feel, I still want to be free. If I have to suffer through this to get to that freedom, I will. I want a guarantee though. I want His promise it will work.....and I'm not going to get that. Ugh. Okay, processing over now.

2010-09-07T19:53:00.003-05:00

I'm just asking for a break. Not a husband, not a child., not a million dollars. Just a break. A minute or two to catch my breath. I don't feel like that is asking too much. Apparently I'm wrong. So i'll go finish crying my way through the second coat of paint and hope like hell that He sees fit to lessen this load before I am destroyed beneath the weight of it.

2010-09-05T15:49:00.002-05:00

So, in effort to escape from myself, God, whomever, I decided to go for a walk. I walked the trail once already but my ipod died and I'm trying to give it time to charge so I can go again.

It occurred to me on the first walk that I make it a habit to never stop. Don't get me wrong I can veg out with the best of them. Inside, however, I'm always running there is no rest and it's exhausting. I wish, and told God as much, that I knew how to stop. But I'm just not sure how that works. I think if I could just get a little reprieve, a brief respite, then maybe I could survive this.

The bitch of it is, I know it's my fault that He can't heal me. I simply don't know how to get out of my own way. Oh well. Back to walking. Hopefully nine miles will be enough to make me feel better for now.

Have You

2010-09-03T14:42:00.005-05:00

ever been so tired that you dreamed of never waking.

so alone that being surrounded by people only compounded the loneliness.

so afraid that you'd trade your life just to remain hidden.

so desperate that anything had to be better than this.

so sad that smiling was painful.

so ashamed that you knew you were worthless.

so weighted down that it hurt to breathe.

so broken that healing seemed a pipe dream.

This is how I feel. It sucks.

2010-08-24T14:16:00.002-05:00

I'm not sure how I arrived at this place. I hate it here. I've been told that if I allow myself to feel the feelings rather than choosing ways to numb/stuff/deny them then they will get better....I will heal.

I'm not healing. I am slipping further and further down this abyss and it's beginning to scare me. Last night rather than praying at every noise that God would keep me safe, I found myself asking Him to make someone come in and kill me so that it would be over and it wouldn't be my fault.

I'm not going to kill myself....there are 13 faces who haunt me each time I even begin to think of it. But I admit, I want out. I want the pain to stop. I want to be free...whatever form that has to take. Fact of the matter is, I should be better by now. I should be over this....whatever this is.

Sorry that this post isn't happy but I needed to put it out there....get it out of me. Maybe it will help.

I'll Pray For You

2010-06-23T16:39:00.002-05:00

I know this is horrible, but it's also hilarious!

Encouragement

2010-02-24T11:04:00.000-06:00

I found this really encouraging today. Hopefully you will too.

Struggle

2010-02-21T21:54:00.000-06:00

I'm struggling tonight. With myself, with God, with fear, sadness, guilt, pain...don't feel sorry for me. I just need to get this out in the faint hope that it will empower me against the thoughts that seek to destroy.

I had the girls this weekend, which is good while it lasts. Sending children back home always makes me a bit melancholy. I watched a movie tonight that brought up some unresolved 'mommy' issues. And then one more of my 'triggers' on another show that just came on.

Enough to make an emotionally stunted girl lose her mind for a bit. So as the desires to self medicate in various ways run rampant through my brain and the pressure in my chest begins to reach a boiling point I decided I'd better try something. This is an attempt that will hopefully prove fruitful because frankly I'm a little afraid that if I fell back into certain behaviors He might take my tattoos back and that would suck.

Unredeemed

2010-02-19T17:42:00.002-06:00

While I don't think this song is ringing completely true in my life just yet, I have hope. I believe one day....probably about the time I decide I'm ready to get over myself and allow Him to work....the bad, painful and ugly in my life will be fully redeemed. Until then, it's still a beautiful song.

"Unredeemed"
by: Selah

Blizzard(ish) of 2010

2010-02-15T17:43:00.000-06:00

Pictures

2010-02-08T11:50:00.005-06:00

BretLynn and BryAnn after their first ever gymnastics meet yesterday. They both did great. It seems Brynie is progressing a bit faster than Bret and the coach told my sister yesterday that BryAnn will be moving up to senior team as of practice today. That would be much more complicated if not for that fact that BretLynn just doesn't care as much as her sister. BretLynn wants to have fun, BryAnn wants to win...and so it goes.

And this is thrown in just because I love it. Gracie is trying hard to be a girl after my own heart :)

Lessons From The Road

2010-02-07T22:03:00.001-06:00

The devil will always provide you with an escape. It will always lead away from good and away from God.

I heard that this morning on my road trip chruch service. (Radio preacher) It really got me thinking. When I choose to escape rather than deal with my life I am submitting to satan. Even though it isn't typically an overtly sinful escape, I don't get drunk or high, it's still choosing against God. When I zone out into my tv or stuff my feelings down with food or seek control by avoiding food. When I wear a mask to keep myself hidden from the world, when I pretend I'm fine when in truth I'm dying inside. It isn't real and it isn't true which can only mean it isn't of God.

Conviction is so fun.

What I'm Listening To

2010-02-04T17:05:00.004-06:00

My favorite song today:

Can Anybody Hear Me
Meredith Andrews

I’m staring at these empty walls
Wondering when You’ll visit me again
When will You come?
If there is anything at all
Coming in between our love
Please show me, ‘cuz I am barely hanging on

Can anybody hear me?
The silence is deafening
Why do You feel so far away?
When I know You’re here with me
But I just need faith to see
Nothing can separate me from Your love

Believing what I can’t see
Has never come naturally to me
And I’ve got questions
But I am certain of a Love
Strong enough to hold me when I’m doubting
You’ll never let go of my hand

Can anybody hear me?
The silence is deafening
Why do You feel so far away?
When I know You’re here with me
But I just need faith to see
Nothing can separate me from Your love

I will trust in You, even in the moments
I can’t find you, and I will hold on to
Your promises of love
You’ve never failed before

I know You can hear me
When the silence is deafening
Even though You seem far away
And I know You’re here with me
But I just need faith to see
Nothing can separate me from Your love

My second favorite song today:

Safe
Britt Nicole

You keep tryin to get inside my head,
While I keep trying to lose the words you said
Can't you see I'm hangin by a thread,
To my life what I know, yeah I'm losing control and
Oh no, my walls are gonna break
So close, its more than I can take

I'm so tired of turning and running away
When love just isn't safe
(your not safe, mmm-mm)

I'm strong enough, I've always told myself
I never want to need somebody else
But I've already fallen from that hill,
So I'm droppin that guard here's your chance at my heart and

Oh no, my walls are gonna break
So close, its more than I can take
I'm so tired of turning and running away
When love just isn't

Everything you want, but its everything you need
Its not always happy endings but its happy in betweeen
Its taken so long, so long to finally see
The other isn't worth the risk

Oh no, my walls are gonna break
Oh no, my walls are gonna break
So close, its more than I can take
So tired of turning and running away
When love just isn't safe

Oh no, my walls are gonna break
So close, its more than I can take
So tired of turning and running away
When love just isn't safe

You're not safe
And that's okay

Matter

2010-02-02T17:43:00.004-06:00

why don't i matter.
why don't my feelings count.
why can't you believe me.
why can't you love me.
why is he more important.
why didn't you protect me.
why don't you now.
why do you think i would make this up.
why do you expect me to trust you.
to love you.
to honor you.
to even speak to you.
why do i feel to blame for the pain that he has caused.
continues to cause.
why do you blame me.
did you ever love me.
did that love end when i pointed the finger at your firstborn.
why can't you grasp that i needed you.
that much to my disdain, i need you now.
why am i the bad guy.
when the bad guy is sleeping in the room next to you.
why do you keep choosing him.
will you ever choose me.
love me.
believe me.
ever.

A friend suggested asking questions to help myself know what i'm feeling. Pretty sure this isn't what she had in mind. But it made me cry.....that stems from some feeling somewhere, right?

Titleless

2010-02-01T17:22:00.002-06:00

It occurs to me, on days like these past several, that I should have applied more effort toward maintaining the friendships in my life.

I don't think one realizes how isolated they have become until the need arises for outside aid of some sort. It's easy to fall into the monotonous ebb and flow of everyday life. Well, for me it is, being that I have no husband nor children. It is simple to become so absorbed in being alone that one day you fall into crises and it occurs to you that you are just that, alone.

I can only blog at work because I haven't exactly figured out how to do it on my phone yet. That necessitates being somewhat emotionless and frankly, I'd almost like to fall apart at this moment. But I won't. Chances are that if I fall too far, I've left no one near enough to help me get back up.

This blog is depressing.

Fairly Warned

2010-01-29T15:15:00.003-06:00

Luckily I was warned.......

A call from my father two nights prior to today.

"Have you heard what's going on with Jocelynn?"
**This is my evil brother's first child, they have never met and she lives in another state**

"Yes" said I.

He then proceeds to fill me in on what's happening in court and what her lawyer has relayed to him....that my evil brother has been assigned a lawyer to 'protect his interests' in the ordeal....I'm ready to puke by this point.

I think more than anything at all it is the air about him as he speaks....as though he is noble and good for wanting to save her from her molesting step-father. Which, by the way, would be good and noble if not for wanting to bring her here to have a relationship with her molesting biological father.

"Get to the point already" I'm thinking to myself as myriad other thoughts swirl about my brain.

"So, Jen and Rae have said they'd be willing to take her, and now I am coming to ask you." He finally spits out.

Remember, though, I have been warned. I know the unspoken conditions of this proposition.

"Your fears" I say, "are correct. I would absolutely take her into my home, but never would I allow her to be near her father. If, when she is eighteen, she wants to meet him that is up to her, but I won't be party to bringing a molested child and introducing her to her molester father."

Call me crazy, but I can't do it.

"Fine then, you simply won't be mentioned as a possibility."

Here I just want to scream. Really, you want to speak to me as though you are punishing me......finding me guilty of what???? Not wanting to damage her further. Could you really still be so blind as to believe his innocence....really???

I should have hung up at this point. Instead I say that's fine with me if that's the way it has to be. To which he replies "I understand."

Wrong choice of words dad!!!

And then I go off, not screaming per se, but certainly not genteel either.

"No, I don't think you do understand. What you need to understand is that man molested me. And if you think I would take an already very broken girl and say, here, I know you just got removed from the home where you were being sexually abused by your step-father, but here. Here is your convicted felon of a child molesting father. Hope you two can form a happy healthy relationship!!!"

I don't think so. I told him if that made me bad, evil, selfish....whatever, then so be it. But I can not, will not willfully and knowingly take her from one abusers hands and put her into another's.

Awkward silence.....

me: K?

him: ok.

click.....click

The end.

Don't you wish you were me?

In Which I Have Nothing To Say

2010-01-04T15:59:00.003-06:00

Someday I will be a better blogger.....maybe not better, but at least more consistent. I feel as though I have nothing of any value to say these days. It's as though I am on complete mental shut down. Sad.....

I did see Avatar yesterday. Good movie, really long, but good. The end.

Mayson All Stars 2009

2009-10-26T17:15:00.000-05:00

6 Months Later

2009-07-14T17:09:00.004-05:00

While 6 months is a ridiculous lapse between updates......wasn't this worth the wait?!?!?!

Gracie: 6 Months Old

Gracie

2009-01-12T17:03:00.002-06:00

Introducing Gracie Kindle Blue Burgeson.....and I thought my name was long......This is the newest addition to the family bringing my total number of nieces and nephews to a very grand 13.

Born: 01-07-2009 @ 6:31 p.m.

Weight: 7lbs 15.8ozs

Length: 19 3/4"

I adore her already!!

(Big brother Mayson is extremely proud!!)

Christmas by Picture

2008-12-27T09:46:00.005-06:00

My pretty presents before Christmas!

We had cautious openers.....

And not so cautious openers!

Babies secretly hopped up on pepsi.......

Daddies who figured they were gift enough......

Aunts blessed with amazing gifts of their own......

And then the proposal.........

And this is what those pretty presents looked like post Christmas!!

14 children ages 2-12. 9 adults including one very, very pregnant woman. One marriage proposal, too many presents to count and one very special charm bracelet.......it was a beautiful night!

I hope your Christmas was even a tad as merry as mine!

Hope

2008-11-23T13:11:00.002-06:00

Thought I'd share a pic of my new tatoo. I just got it last night and personally think it rocks!

Cardboard Testimonies Revisited.

2008-11-14T12:14:00.005-06:00

I originally posted this video a while back but just saw it again on another blog. She asked the question what would your sign say. I thought of one, posted it and then began to think how many more I could have. I think I could make a whole video as long as this one with just my signs. Sad in a way yet what an amazing blessing that each and every one of my signs can be flipped over to reveal the truth and the healing He has worked in my life. I figured I'd start posting all of the signs I could come up with for myself and see where it takes me. Fact of the matter is, no one but me really reads this blog and I'm ok with that. I figure one day, when the pressure of my life as it is today is bearing down on me and darkness threatens to reinsert itself in my heart and mind, I can come back to this post and remember the ways God has already flipped my world upside down, turned it inside out and truly given me beauty for all the burned out ashes that made up the first 30 years of my life. So here goes.......

I allowed my child to be killed out of fear

He allowed His Son to be killed out of love....for me.

Childhood sexual abuse left me broken and alone.

Now whole and healed and forever in His grip.

Cutter

By His stripes I am healed.

Child of an abusive home

Daughter of the one true King.

Divorcee

The bride of Christ

Sought love in the arms of men.

Found love in the arms of Grace.

Believed a million lies.

His truth has set me free.

Borderline Personality Disorder

Firmly rooted in my Father's acceptance.

Attempted Suicide

Found life in Christ.

Hidden beneath a veil of shame

He took my shame upon Himself, I am a new creation!

That's all I can think of for now. I may add more as I remember other areas where Christ has radically changed my life.

Must Read

2008-11-12T10:59:00.003-06:00

Whomever you are, whatever you're doing......stop and go read this.

State Fair 2008

2008-10-15T10:30:00.005-05:00

On the bumper cars....he wasn't so great at this one! He went in circles while all the other kids bumped into him.

In front of Big Tex!

Tony Stewart's race car.

Mayson loving on baby sister to be!

Evidence that I did not need that fried cheesecake I was searching for.

Watching the pyrotechnics at the light show....that was HOT!

Coming out of the bubble house....when they say bubbles they mean it!

The infamous ferris wheel.

Yeah, they know they're cool.

2008-10-11T11:22:00.003-05:00

On my way out the door to the State Fair....hooray!!!!

It's going to be crazy packed since it is Red River Rivalry day, but I don't much care.

I'm going to have some delicious food....you know like, fried coke, fried Twinkies, fried banana splits.....you get the point.

Going with sister, Rachael, sister's boyfriend Jay and nephews Mayson and Blayne.

Good times will be had by all!

He Loves Me

2008-09-30T18:01:00.003-05:00

Now I have proof that Mayson loves me that I can use against him ten years from now when he is too cool to say he loves his aunt!! My sister took my camera last night to his game so she could get him playing and I guess they decided on an impromptu movie making session before hand.

Observations, Sort Of.

2008-09-26T17:09:00.003-05:00

Were it not for baseball my time spent outdoors would be very minimal.

I may be slightly too involved in my nieces and nephews lives.

That may or may not be healthy for me.

It is really good for them.

I don't think I depend on them for fulfillment.

My life would be less fulfilling without them.

I don't think those are contradictory statements.

I miss church.

I don't miss church.

Again, not contradictory, just different aspects bring out different feelings.

I miss the closeness I felt with God a year ago.

I don't spend enough time with Him.

That seems strange since He is never actually absent from me.

I feel alone sometimes when surrounded by people.

Sometimes, I long to be alone.

I ache to be the mother of a living child.

I would give up everything I own in order to be just that.

Other people's children can not fully fill that void.

It's weird to be divorced for six years and suddenly get an email from your ex.

It's also weird to not date for over two years.

I would have been a good robot.

Except for the following orders part.

Life is not simpler on auto pilot.

It isn't even less painful.

It is less intense.

That's not a good thing.

Dulled pain also means all other feelings are dulled.

This includes happiness, love, peace and the like.

This is a stupid post.

I was hoping it would jog my brain into aliveness.

It isn't working and I totally made up that word.
(spell check didn't highlight it, maybe I didn't make it up.)

Brainstorming is supposed to help, what the freakity freak.

I hate that I get extremely tired around 2:00 p.m. everyday.

Perhaps if I went to bed before midnight that wouldn't happen.

I have to go now.

It's time for baseball.

Peace out.

So You Know I'm Not Dead

2008-09-24T17:53:00.003-05:00

Mayson was a rock star in his t-ball game last night. While he can be obnoxious and a tad rotten from time to time, he is also hilarious and one of the sweetest humans I know. None of my other nephews get up to bat but turn around just before to say 'I love you Steffie!' Way too sweet!

I am a terrible blogger these days but all too often I just don't have much to say. I follow quite a few blogs and I am constantly amazed that all these people keep coming up with interesting things to say day after day. Crazy.

Have I ever mentioned how strange I find it that Christians often are far more petty, gossipy, calloused, judgemental and just down right cold, then our non christian fellow human beings. It's a sad fact. Seemingly random, but sad just the same!

I am now off to my third ball game of the week. One more and we'll be done until next Monday. :) I am taking Blayne, Malachi and Caleb to Six Flags Saturday so I imagine I will be dead tired just in time for softball practice Sunday!!

What's Up

2008-09-11T17:01:00.003-05:00

My nieces got to cheer with the 'real' cheerleaders at their hometown football game last Friday. I think they had a blast. Natalee didn't really look like she knew what she was doing (she's the one turning the opposite direction etc.) but it was funny if nothing else. Sorry the video is shaky but people kept running into me!

I am off to another baseball game tonight. We have another tomorrow night and then a tournament this weekend. My guess is that the tournament is going to get hurricaned out!

Brayton turns 8 on Sunday. I can't believe that baby boy is growing up. I am trying to think of something else to get him. At six flags last weekend Blayne and I picked up a figurine in his team's colors from the glass blower's shop and a toy from one of the other stores. I also found him a Texas Ranger's jersey and had his name embroidered on the back. I think he's going to love that even if the Ranger's aren't his favorite anymore!

And before I sign off, because we must never forget, I'll leave you with these:

My Nephew the Super Star

2008-09-04T17:44:00.008-05:00

Ok so I am a terrible videographer, at least with my new camera. I am learning that I am pressing the stop button way too soon, and perhaps not starting quite soon enough. My bad! So on the first video I cut off the actual hit as well as the slide into home, but you get the point!!

Home Run!!!

Pickin' 'em off!

Hope you enjoyed my little videos. I am sure I will have plenty more in the next few weeks. I am off to game number three this week, well game 8 if you count the tournament shown above!

Rock Stars

2008-09-02T14:22:00.003-05:00

Brayton's team got 2nd place in his tournament. We were all so proud of how well the boys played. Brayton was definitely a rock star. He struck kids out, picked them off when they were trying to steal and even got a home run!

I forgot my camera today but I plan on posting videos soon, you know you can't wait!

I took Blayne and two of his friends to Six Flags yesterday. It was scorching hot but fun just the same. And now I'm back at work....and it's end of month time....and I'm way behind. No bueno!!

2008-08-29T17:05:00.003-05:00

It's that time again!!! Brayton's first tournament starts tomorrow and I am beside myself with anticipation! He is on an 8U team this season because though he is still seven, he will be eight all too soon. Unfortunately not enough 8U teams signed up for this particular tournament so his team will be playing against the 9U teams. Not too big a deal except that is where the huge leap from coach pitch to kid pitch comes in. So my sweet little 7 year old nephew will be pitching, for the first time ever, against a bunch of 9 year olds. It's gonna get interesting!

I am on a new softball team and I am loving it even more. I actually know all the people on the team this time which makes it far more enjoyable! Our first game is in two weeks and I am looking forward to it immensely. The only problem I foresee is when one of the boys is scheduled to play at the same time as I am. That will be a conundrum for sure!

I spent far more of my work day than I should have reading back through old posts of mine. I am so amazed at how far the Lord has brought me. It is truly inconceivable to me that the angry, unbelieving, broken woman that I was could be changed into a woman who loves and truly believes Jesus and all that He says He is. Were all my questions answered, absolutely not. Do I still wrestle with them from time to time, yep. And yet, I choose to see the contradictions all around me and still believe in the core of my being that He, at the core of His being, is true, right, good and loving.

On that note, I am in some serious turmoil about church. I just don't know what to do. I have begun ( six months into it) to pray for His direction but just am not getting any clear answers yet. Do I go back to my church. Do I start visiting new ones. Do I just keep sleeping in on Sunday mornings.....probably not that one. I really need to get back in church. I feel the ache for connection in my soul. I simply don't know where to go or what to do. Yuck!!

Well Blayne and I are off to have dinner with my friends from church, the two who have moved on to new ones. Then I'm thinking it'll be time for more ball practice. Hooray for long weekends!

Not Sticks or Stones

2008-08-25T17:47:00.003-05:00

When God warned us to 'guard our tongue' I don't think He was kidding. I also don't think he meant it only toward cursing, negative speaking or gossip. My theory is that it's a pretty blanketed statement. What you plan to say may be only in jest, or perhaps just a matter of fact statement with absolutely no intended maliciousness. Words, though, cut deep.

Last night a friend of mine was talking to another woman in a jovial enough manner. However, what was said cut to the heart of the recipient of those words. Now my friend had no idea the circumstances in the other ladies life. She didn't realize that what she was speaking about had caused innumerable shed tears over the past several years. And yet, the damage was done. I won't get into what was said because I don't think it fair to either party. For one, to call out the one friend on what is her own private business and for the other because I know her well enough to know she truly meant no harm.

That being said, I think there has to be some allowance of grace when we are on the receiving end of harsh words. However, I think that as often as not the speaker (again being each of us) has no idea how their words may affect whomever they are speaking to. I am convicted as I am definitely one of the most sarcastic people I know. How often have my words impaled someone as I continue on my way none the wiser. I don't want to be that person. I don't want to be the inflicter of the pain and even the panic I saw in that woman's eyes last night.

I have to go practice with my nephew now so I can learn how to catch a stinking ball.

Mayson Goes to Six Flags

2008-08-04T17:33:00.007-05:00

In keeping with the theory that I am completely insane, I took five children to Six Flags yesterday. Mayson had never been so he was in heaven so far as he knew!

It was HOTTTTTTT!

However, because of that fact we had far less wait time. You know, because smart people stayed home in the air conditioning!! They do have a ton of mist showers throughout the park, so other then the part about dragging five kids around for 7 hours, it was not so bad of a day!

Mayson riding the horsey on the carousel.

Mayson and Blayne on the Mine Train.

What a pretty little gymnast!

Casta and Mayson on the little kid roller coaster.

And this is what my car looked like for the drive home. Me, five children and four ginormous balls. Blayne was kind enough to use his basketball expertise to win one for each boy!

yes, there are actually FOUR heads back there.

Happy Weekend!

2008-08-01T17:25:00.004-05:00

I have so very little to say but decided since it's been a week that I should throw something out there.

It was a weird week. No big fights with my boss. I had Wednesday off which was wonderful! Teresa had to take Brayton to get pictures of his brain, I forget exactly which test. Since Brayton is Brayton, they had to put him under to do it so she needed someone to stay with the other kids. It was Mayson's birthday so that made it even more fun. We just swam all day, what a hard life!

His birthday party is tomorrow night and I'm having this cake made for him. It's gonna freak his freak for sure. Of course it will say Mayson instead of 'dude.' :-) Hard to believe he's six already.

I went to counseling today and I must say it is a strange phenomenon to me, this whole therapy thing. It seems kind of backwards that going to a complete stranger and somehow learning to tell them all my deep dark secrets will somehow make it easier for me to do that with people I actually know. Very strange. I like her, though, so I will just have to wait and see how it goes. I don't feel quite as 'heavy' as I did when I left last time and I can't decide if that is a good or a bad thing. We actually talked more about uncomfortable subjects today.....I don't know, it's all odd to me.

I guess that is really all I know today. Have a great weekend!

Lament

2008-07-24T17:19:00.004-05:00

I was thinking Tuesday night about the fact that it was Casta's birthday and I already told you it reminded me of the night I lost my second child. It was then that it occurred to me that 8 years, four months and six days could seem like but a blink in time. I began yelling to the Heavens that I wanted them back. I cried out to the Father who is the giver as well as the taker. I wasn't angry, just broken hearted. I can't remember the last time I cried so hard. The weight I mentioned has seemed less since then so maybe it was what I needed.

When is it enough, though. Will I ever not miss them. Not ache when I see a pregnant woman or a proud mother pushing the stroller that cradles her newborn? Not feel that sting of jealousy when a sister is expecting her second, third, fifth? Will the hurt ever go away.

I can only assume that just as you do not stop loving your living children, neither do you stop longing for those who left before you.

It was the announcement that Rachael, my youngest sister, is three months along that pushed me toward the decision that it was a good time to get back into counseling. I'm happy for her, truly. I also catch myself thinking of all the reasons she shouldn't be having another child right now. When I'm deep down honest with myself, though, I know that comes from my pain more than anything else. I wish that I could just be excited for her without the pang hidden away in the depths of my heart.

I amaze myself with my ability to come to the brink of profound feeling only to immediately thrust myself back to emotional paralysis.....just a side note.

Vapor

2008-07-24T11:22:00.008-05:00

I was just sitting here typing monotonous lists at work and remembered that I have dinner planned with a couple of friends tomorrow night. When I made these plans a week ago I was a little disappointed that we couldn't do it any sooner. Then, suddenly, it's tomorrow.

I am amazed over and over again at just how quickly this life passes by.

How does that happen? As children time seems to crawl. We wait an eternity between Christmas Eve and Christmas morning. I remember clearly being told as a sullen teenager anxiously awaiting adulthood that I would regret rushing things. "Once you graduate time begins to fly," they would tell me. I balked.

It was true. I graduated high school, seemingly, no more than a year ago. In actuality, 14 years ago. I can't fathom where that time went. When did I become middle aged? Am I middle aged? Almost if not already.

It is the month o' birthdays which is probably why I am feeling somewhat nostalgic. Casta, the only child I've ever seen the moment her first breath was breathed, turned nine on Tuesday. She's nine. I remember her taking her first steps as I jingled my keys with one hand and wriggled my other hand free of her death grip. I remember waking up from a nap wondering why she was licking my arm only to discover the substance she was spreading wasn't from her mouth. I remember when she was taking a bath and I was busy fixing my hair, she said 'look teffie, I washed your phone.' I remember buying clothes for her first day of school. (She was beyond precious that day, by the way.) This year she started calling me in the evenings and reading to me by phone, I loved it.

How do you have a lifetime of memories when the time slipped by so rapidly?

My nostalgia, however, brought with it memories I wish I could forget. I remember holding that same baby girl in my arms one night as she slept and I begged God. Begged for the life of my own child. Pleaded that He make the pain go away, that it didn't mean what I knew it meant. Those prayers weren't answered the way I'd hoped. Now it's been over eight years. I remember that night like it was yesterday.

Ok this was just going to be about how time flies. Not all deep and sad. I almost went into a whole other topic but who wants to read that book.

Anyway, it isn't just a saying, that's all I'm getting at. Our lives are so very brief. Sure, sometimes I wish I could hurry through parts of it but in doing so I miss out. I don't want to miss out on any part of the misty vapors that are my life, all too soon I blink and they're gone.

James 4:14 (NIV)
Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes.

Feelings Aren't Cool

2008-07-22T17:53:00.003-05:00

You'll recall I'm sure, that I mentioned a few weeks back that I was planning to start going to therapy again. A big reason for that is how I feel, or don't feel, whichever. Stepping out of the boat into the vast ocean that is my emotional life, well those are tricky waters for me. I typically stay in the boat, not just on the boat but in the cabin, completely sheltered from any emotion that may try to slyly splash up on me when I'm not looking.

Enough with that analogy it's making me sea sick.

I typically don't know what I feel. So, in my emotionally ignorant mind, it is better to bury the unknown feeling than to fight through my terror of the unknown and learn what is actually going on inside me. To be frank, beyond mad, sad and happy I am pretty much clueless. Anything bigger or more powerful than that and I am checking out.

Perhaps another key to it is my tiny fascination with control. I like it, I like it a lot. To me, in order to experience feelings, emotions, whatever you want to call them, would mean being forced to give up control. That terrifies me greatly.

I get it. I understand why I am so reticent in this area. It makes sense that someone abused as a child would grow up to be especially controlling. Defense mechanism, self preservation, I get it.

But do I want to continue to live it.

I of course say no. I say no verbally and I say so by action in my beginning counseling again. I wonder, though, what it will actually take to get me out from behind these towering walls I've called home for so long. What will make me want it more than I fear it? What makes the pain worth the pay off?

I don't know I got off on this tangent because since I left counseling yesterday I've had that familiar weight that sometimes comes to rest dead center in my chest. That feeling that isn't a feeling like happy or sad, it's a feeling telling me there are real things that I need to be feeling. There is a lifetime of emotion buried below this weight and it seems to want to be let out so badly that it's willing to tear a hole through my chest if that's what it takes.

But you can tell by the fact that I said the word feeling 87 times in one paragraph that I don't really know how to respond to the weight. Whatever it is. I look at those silly little papers with the different faces all listing a 'feeling word' corresponding to the facial expression......I see Chinese. So while all that is in me is crying out for me to just....cry, scream, yell...I don't know. I know the safe thing to do.

Push it down. Do something else. Read a book, watch a movie, buy something, clean something. Do anything that puts my body's focus on something other than, well, me.

I just started reading a book that my friend suggested. And I wonder how this girl is so normal. The life she's had so far, how is she hopeful. Why aren't I more like her? I love the character; I want to be more like her. And really, these days I certainly have more hope than I thought possible. Again, though, I am stuck with my same old questions. How do some people move through the pain and the chaos and the trials of this life so gracefully? While others, me namely, we just seem to get stuck.

Admittedly I'm only seven chapters in, maybe she'll surprise me and become more like me.....hope not.

Cardboard Testimonies

2008-07-17T13:33:00.003-05:00

I saw this video on another blog and it is really powerful, I think you will enjoy! While you're at it with the whole open and real thing, check out this post!

'Insert Blog Title Here'

2008-07-16T16:39:00.008-05:00

Let me just start by giving a huge congrats out to the A.L. for their twelfth straight win in the All Star Game!! Way to go boys! (if you have no idea what the A.L. is, or the All Star Game for that matter, well then please disregard.)

So, baseball....Blayne ended up second in his division. We went into the championship pretty confident but our boys forgot they knew how to play baseball and got spanked something awful. But second place in a National Championship isn't half bad. The team Brayton played with, well we won't go there. :-)

It's over. At least until late August, that is. What I will fill my nights up with for the next month I am not entirely sure, but I bet I will come up with something!

Today is Blayne's 11th birthday. That is very hard to stomach, I am getting old fast. I got him this and something close to this and these. You don't really get how funny the elmo shoes are unless you know my sister's and me. For twelve and half years we have had very strict rules. 'No character clothes' was near the top. But Blayne is Blayne. Blayne loves anything that makes people laugh or shocks the daylights out of them. So on the cusp of his 11th, he has decided he loves Elmo. He even had people shouting 'go elmo' as he rounded the bases last week. He's a funny, yet ever so strange, boy.

Happy birthday Blayne!!

Nationals Day One

2008-07-07T13:02:00.003-05:00

Blayne had some not so good hits, but this one was a really good one! They lost both games but they all played great so we couldn't be too upset that we didn't pull out the wins. This is an open tournament so there are teams up to four classifications ahead of us that we will be facing all week. So, that makes a 14-1 loss understandable and a 3-2 loss actually exciting!

Fireworks, Baseball, Softball and Therapy...All I Can Ask For!

2008-07-04T16:04:00.009-05:00

(you never really know just how much of a hick you are until you hear yourself on a video that you didn't mean to talk on.)

I took Casta and Natalee to Kaboom Town in Addison last night. They have amazing fireworks and you are able to sit directly across the street from the airport where they shoot them off. If the 'boom' isn't loud enough to rattle my chest than I feel I'm too far from the action!! It was good times.

(I totally did all the beading on these flip flops, who knew I could be crafty!)

Blayne is playing a Nationals tournament in Flower Mound this week. Brayton went to Blayne's scrimmage this past Tuesday and another team was practicing and asked if he wanted to join in. He did, of course. Long story short, he is now playing in their Nationals tournament with them this week in DeSoto. Great for his confidence, bad for conflicting schedules! So, I got Cas and Nattie last night, they'll have to stay with a sitter while I work Monday and Tuesday, but I took the rest of the week off for the tournaments so I'm keeping the girls for 10 days. Busy, busy, busy vacation. :) You know I'd have it no other way. At least my feet are ready!!

So, I've set an appointment with a new therapist for Monday. I figure it has probably been a long enough break on autopilot and I need to get down to business and get some work done on myself. Am I nervous, of course. Terrified even. But, it's time. I get as weary of drifting through life merely existing as I do of dealing with the hard stuff for any significant amount of time.

I may have forgotten to mention that I joined a coed softball team. Well, I did. I stink at it but I absolutely love playing. We are 0-2 but I think for the most part we are all having a great time despite that. I think I kinda look like I know what I'm doing even though at the moment my brain is thinking only the following: "Please don't strike out, please don't strike out." And so far, I only have once. :-)

Unfaithful

2008-06-23T17:42:00.002-05:00

I am an unfaithful blogger. :-o

I know, I know, it is shameful.

Baseball is winding down. We have nationals in Flower Mound in a couple of weeks and then we are done until the fall. I, however, joined a coed softball team and our season has just begun. :) I love it. I'm not very good but it gets me off the couch and that has to count for something!

I am still awol at church. I don't even know exactly why. It is like I can't pinpoint exactly what my problem is. My relationship with Christ is not what it was a year ago today, but I don't feel particularly distant from Him. There was just all this drama and whilst I know it is certainly not a good excuse, I just felt like I needed a break from it.

I know you can't find a church without the mess because church is full of humanity which is nothing short of messy. I just grew weary with it, I guess. I hate gossip. Literally hate it. I am from the camp who believes that if you are willing to talk to me about so and so, well then you are just as willing to talk with so and so about me. Thus, I abhor it. Yet, I am not always courageous enough to stand up to that and tell whomever is speaking at any given time that I don't want to hear what they have to spew. So, inevitably my feelings toward people become skewed by what others say. I hate that.

I feel like I'm rambling which I prefer not to do, but it is just coming out that way, sorry. The three women I considered myself close to have all left the church for others. That isn't a good enough reason for me to leave. Fact of the matter is, I love what my church stands for. My views toward the church family, however, have been skewed. And since I am considering moving toward the end of the summer, part of me thinks perhaps I should start visiting other churches.

I really don't want to, though. I truly do love what my church is all about. I love our message, our mission statement if you will. And yet, I haven't stepped foot inside the doors in nearly four months. I feel completely disconnected. Those whom I had forged relationship with have moved on. What to do what to do.

Ok, now I really am rambling.

I suppose I'll go home from work now. Take care all.

Proud of the Pride

2008-05-12T12:18:00.003-05:00

Brayton's team has had a rough season. We lost all three games in the opening tournament, and we've gone 1-7 in league play. For those of you who don't know baseball, that isn't good. Basically, we'd won 1 game out of 11 and that was a month and a half ago.

So needless to say that our first win on Saturday was a high. Our second game we played a team that is actually in our own league who had already beat us twice.....we tied 4-4.

Going into Sunday we all hoped for the best but didn't necessarily expect it. We were barely awake in the first game and only pulled out a win by bringing in two runs in the very last inning to put us up 7-6. It was scary.

Game number two; the team from our league that we tied the day before. Our boys were on fire! We whooped them 16-6. Then we headed into the 'ship.' I don't know if it was something in their lunch that woke those boys up or what but they were not going home with anything less than first place. We beat that team 13-5 and became the tournament champions...and took our record to 5-1-10. It was awesome!!

I'm hoarse...which makes answering the phone today at work a bit of a challenge. And I am so sunburned that I already have actual blisters on my shoulder.

But it was all worth it.

Way to go Brayton, you rock!

The Oddity of Grief

2008-04-11T19:17:00.006-05:00

Have I ever mentioned that I'm odd?

I figured so.

I have been reading a lot of blogs recently that I sometimes wonder why I read. Blogs by women who have lost children either at or shortly following their births. Most of them are older stories, but one was just this week. The depth of this woman's faith astounds me. I spent so much of my life overwhelmed by my own ignorant anger at God. I can't imagine, four days after saying goodbye to my child, thanking the Father for His blessings of time with her. I can imagine it now, years later, but right there in the depths of grief....

As I sit at my desk at work, an hour and a half after I should've gone home, to my empty house, I am crying uncontrollably as I grieve the losses shared with so many women. It's been ages for me, you'd think I'd be done mourning. October 4, 1996 and March 18, 2000. I feel I have to cling to those dates because it really is all I have to remember of my two precious babies. And yet, I still feel, when reading those blogs, that I shouldn't be so sad. My story's so different. I didn't carry either child to term. I never saw their bodies, their faces, smelled their hair. They were with me such a short time.

Probably that stems from guilt I refuse to let go of. That the first of my children was sent to Heaven by my own hand.

And I know better. I know that my bad decision doesn't negate my grief. I know that the loss of my second child wasn't punishment for the first. I know that my Father has forgiven me. Yet I weep. I weep for what could have been.

I weep for the women who know my pain. Who know my pain on what is probably a far grander scale. They held their precious babies in their arms. Then had to say goodbye. I so wish I could lessen their pain.

My life is full of children, literally full. And yet my arms are empty. Never has my chest known the feeling of the infants whose heads should've laid there. My eyes never beheld tiny versions of myself. My ears never heard the sounds of their 'belly laughs' or shrieks of pain from a skinned knee. And my heart aches at the absence of it all. At the emptiness.

I don't know that the longing will ever go away. It seems unnatural to me to be a 32 year old woman with no living children. Since a young girl I couldn't wait to be a mother.

Questions no one can answer. So whilst I know the Lord has a plan, and I know for a fact and believe that with all that I am that His will for me is so much better than anything I could dream up for myself, still, tonight, I weep.

Baseball is Back with a Vengeance!!!

2008-04-03T17:38:00.003-05:00

This was directly following the Roaring Rapids ;)

I am ecstatic to say that baseball season is back in full swing. We had the opening day parade last Saturday and have already had two games since and a third tonight!! I love it. :)

I took Blayne and the older twins to Six Flags last Sat after Mayson's ball game. Thursday was the twins sixth birthday so I took them for their first adventure at Six Flags and they were champs. Even rode a big roller coaster. Well it is the smallest of the big ones, but the only one they are tall enough for!! We had a blast.

I have missed church a ton lately first because of my back and now because of baseball tournaments and the like. It is very strange to me because I don't really want to go. I really don't feel at odds with God, a little distant perhaps, but not even wholly disconnected. It is a new feeling for me. I don't really know how to explain it, maybe I will ponder it some more before trying to let you in on it.

Anyway, my niece has just called to let me know how she is doing on Guitar Hero, so I guess I better run.

Birthday with the Stars

2008-03-10T11:36:00.004-05:00

My boss gave me tickets to the Dallas Stars for my birthday and let me tell ya, it was a blast! He has given me tickets before but not seats like these! There is something about hockey that just gets my adrenaline pumping. I think it's men slamming the crud out of each other at every possible opportunity. Though I would never condone fighting :-) there were a couple of jaw dropping punch fests. To top it all off, we won! Two of my sisters and my friend Michelle all went with me and we really did have a great time.

Outside the AA center there is a plaza called Victory Park and that is where our local ABC station does their news cast. This picture is the girls standing in front of their studios. Mike Modano was going to be there for the sports special but sadly we had to get home since it was a work/school night. We're old, what can I say.

My brother-in-law watched his five and Rachael's one last night and this is what the girls found when they got home.

Yes, that is all four of the boys sharing a twin size bed. I guess the twins opted for their own bed, very wise!

Baseball Woes And Other Such Things

2008-03-03T12:18:00.005-06:00

Blaise Pascal

"Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it from a religious conviction."

How do you like that? Well I don't like it but I think it's mostly true. Perhaps it isn't always done as cheerfully as the quote presumes but it's done just the same.

Anyway, on to lighter subjects. We lost our first tournament of the season. :-( And Blayne is definitely not the 'star' of the team this year. This is a whole new ballgame for us. Definitely not like the rec ball he's used to playing. I am hoping he will improve as the season progresses but that may be hard since they just keep switching he and another boy at right field. I think that is pretty frustrating for him. He has always played pitcher, first base and catcher. Being the bench warmer is a little hard to swallow. If nothing else perhaps he will learn a little humility this season. My hope is that it doesn't provide too much discouragement but instead makes him a more skilled, less boastful player. We'll see.

He has a good friend who lives across the street from him whose sixteen year old sister was killed by a drunk driver last Saturday night. Her name was Kindel. You might keep the Smith family in your prayers as they are understandably devastated right now. I can't even fathom the pain they are enduring. They are an unchurched family and whether they know Jesus at all I am not sure. This crisis would be near impossible to go through with Christ's help, I can't imagine trying to do so without Him. Anyway, pray for them, please.

Our next tournament is in two weeks and both Blayne and Brayton will play. I can't wait! Have a great day all!!

Happy Valentine's Day to Me

2008-02-15T17:32:00.003-06:00

He may only be five, but he knows how to treat a lady. Ok, well sort of anyway. This is the present he picked out for me. We had dinner at the lovely IHop. It just so happens to be our favorite hangout. Before hand his mommy had tucked some money away in his pocket so that when the ticket came he was able to say 'I get to pay it' and he paid for himself and his two valentines. It was hilarious.

He got an orange teddy bear hamster as his valentines present. Don't worry, it was his mom's idea. And we are all so very creative that he is named 'Valentine.'

It is almost 6 p.m. on Friday which means I am soon going to get to leave this stinkin' office and not come back for two whole days! Hooray! I had to be here at 7:15 this morning to go to a meeting in North Dallas so it has been a looooong day. I'm done with it.

I have Cas and Nattie this weekend but it's supposed to be crummy weather so I suppose that besides church we will be sitting in the warmth of my home playing Guitar Hero all weekend. I sure do love me some Guitar Hero. Cas has been practicing so she is becoming quite fun to play with. Natalee still doesn't have a clue but she thinks she's rocking out!

Have a great weekend everyone!

This Was Actually Quite Fun

2008-02-13T17:47:00.003-06:00

1)Answer the questions below
2) Take each answer and type it into Photobucket
3) Take a picture from the first page of results and post. (click on the picture and copy the html)

1. The age you will be on your next birthday? 32...

2. A place you'd like to travel to?

3. Your favorite place?

4. Your favorite object?

5. Your favorite food?

6. Your favorite animal? None...

7. Your favorite color?

8. The town in which you were born? Ft. Worth, Texas...

9. The town in which you live? Ft. Worth, Texas

10. The name of a past pet? Pumpkin....surprisingly looked just like this one...

11. The first name of a recent/past boyfriend/girlfriend? Tim...

12. Your middle name?

13. A bad habit of yours?

14. Your first job?

15. Your favorite store?

16. Something you hate?

17. Your name?

18. Favorite Drink?

19. Addicted to?

Baseball Fever

2008-02-11T17:57:00.000-06:00

It's almost here. I can barely breathe I am so overwhelmed with anticipation!!

It's Baseball Time! :-)

Blayne (10) made an eleven year old select team and Brayton (7) made an eight year old select time. I am stoked. The one problem I may struggle with this season is that since they are both playing up and both on select teams, it is highly probable that they will not be the best player on their respective teams. That will take some getting used to for me. Seeing them sit on the bench or strike out or not get homeruns 98% of their at bats will be very new for us. But I can't wait just the same. Mayson is only five so he will of course just play T-Ball on a rec team.

The good news, Mayson and Rachael moved to Midlothian so that was, up until last week, going to make baseball season far less hectic because they'd all be in one spot.

The bad news, select teams travel. So, Mayson will play at Midlothian but the other two boys will be in a different town for each game or tournament.

More good news, if Blayne's team makes Nationals they will be in Arkansas, I know that excites one of my readers.....at least it better. ;-)

Gotta go home now.

Remember to continue praying for Ashley, they are still searching for the cause of whatever has sent her back to such a critical state. Their family really needs our prayer support.

Ashley

2008-02-08T17:43:00.000-06:00

If you are the praying sort please lift up Ashley Adams today. If you aren't the praying sort, go read her story and I think you will be encouraged to try it, at least. She is struggling for her life right now. I can't imagine what her parents must be feeling but I know they could use the strength that comes from fellow Christians banding together in prayer for their family.

Breathing

2008-01-07T21:47:00.000-06:00

by Lifehouse

I'm finding my way back to sanity, again
Though I don't really know what
I am gonna do when I get there
Take a breath and hold on tight
Spin around one more time
And gracefully fall back in to the arms of grace

'Cause I am hanging on every word you say
And even if you don't want to speak tonight
That's alright, alright with me
'Cause I want nothing more than to sit
Outside Heaven's door and listen to you breathing
Is where I want to be

I am looking past the shadows
Of my mind into the truth and
I'm trying to identify
The voices in my head
God, which one's you?
Let me feel one more time
What it feels like to feel
And break these calluses off of me

One more time

'Cause I am hanging on every word you say
And even if you don't want to speak tonight
That's alright, alright with me
'Cause I want nothing more than to sit
Outside your door and listen to you breathing
Is where I want to be

'Cause I don't want a thing from you
Bet you're tired of me waiting
For the scraps to fall
Off your table to the ground

I just want to be here now

'Cause I am hanging on every word you say
And even if you don't want to speak tonight
That's alright, alright with me
'Cause I want nothing more than to sit
Outside your door and listen to you breathing
Is where I want to be

I've Got Nothing To Say

2008-01-07T20:43:00.001-06:00

Those presents that totally don't match are so not mine!!!

I wish that I had something to say. I don't. I'm kind of blah these days.

Since I pinched the nerve in my back my life has slowed down quite a bit. I've missed a ton of church and have really just gone to work and then right back to laying on the couch or in the bed. That opens the door for apathy which opens the door for depression. Maybe that is why people with chronic pain tend to experience depression. When you're in pain it is all you think about. Everything else just fades away.

The good news is that it is slowly getting better. I originally read that you should give a herniated disc 6-12 weeks before considering surgery....so good news, it's been six weeks and I'm beginning to see a reduction in pain. Hooray!

Seriously, could this post be less interesting??

I'm considering dating.....not sure how since I seldom go anywhere that I would meet someone, online maybe....don't know. But it will be two years in April since I took my dating sabbatical and since I am quickly getting older, well you know. I am healthier than I have ever been mentally and emotionally, am I ready to jump back into the real world yet, though, not sure.

OK I give up on having anything interesting to say. Sorry. At least there are a couple cute pictures, right?

Prepared and Ready

2007-12-13T22:29:00.001-06:00

Tree's up, presents bought and wrapped, I think I'm ready. In spite of a pinched sciatic nerve that I thought for sure was going to be the death of me, this has been a great holiday season thus far.

Seriously, if you've never pinched a nerve than you should, at all costs, avoid doing so. If you have, well then, I feel for you. Miserable and excruciating pain is about the best way I can explain it. Luckily the pain has become tolerable though I would be quite grateful if it would go ahead and go away altogether. My foot went to sleep two and a half weeks ago, still hasn't woken up. It's a mess.

But regardless, I got into the Christmas spirit early this year. My tree was up two weeks before Thanksgiving. Perhaps I subconsciously knew that I would be bed ridden the week following turkey day so I got all the decor done early. Who knows. I couldn't even do my yearly ritual of shopping for fifteen straight hours the day after Thanksgiving. I did manage to get a couple of hours in but since then it's been all hit and miss. I am happy to report that the last gifts were bought and wrapped this evening and I am done and happily not returning to a mall until well after Christmas.

Well, bed time. Take care and I hope this season finds you and your family well and at peace. May His hope invade your hearts and fill your lives with joy as you prepare to celebrate Christ's birth this year. :o)

Another Overdue Update

2007-11-20T22:18:00.001-06:00

It's pretty sad that today is the first time in at least a week that I've been to my own blog!

I have trouble coming up with something to say when I'm near the computer and trouble getting to a computer when I have something to say.....details.

So it's almost Thanksgiving and I admit I am not the tiniest bit excited about it, dreading it really. There has already been family chaos over this years festivities and I would much rather just opt out. That, of course, is not an option, though.

We are doing "The Twelve Steps: A Spiritual Journey" in our Sat. women's group. Basically, the twelve steps rewritten with all the Christian vernacular included, rather than the 'anonymous' way that God is referred to in the original. The leader calls it 'the Christian life for dummies' and she is actually quite right. As we've worked through the first several steps I've found myself applying the principles throughout the day with issues that cause annoyance, frustration and worry. Admitting that in and of myself I am powerless, recognizing God's rightful place as Lord of my life and that only He has the power to restore me to sanity.....because anytime we are walking outside of His will we are, in essence, behaving insanely....and being willing to submit my will to His authority. It's good stuff.

Anyway, we are on step four now, and can I just say, it bites. "We took a fearless and searching moral inventory of ourselves." If you are thinking 'ouch' you would be exactly right. It's almost funny how much I've clung to my delusion that I am not an angry person. I began making a rough draft list of people I hold resentment toward, I was over thirty within fifteen minutes. Apparently I resent everyone I meet. :-) Sad as it sounds, I am still having trouble moving out of my denial.....'anger' is just such an ugly word to me, profanity almost.

That's all I've got for now, not much to say, I warned you!

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!!

What a Mess

2007-10-15T17:38:00.000-05:00

I'm a mess. Not a mess in the way I once was a mess, just a minor mess rather than a catastrophe on legs.

Someone asked me today how my life was going and I said it was 'fine and dandy,' to which they replied, "There was a time when I never thought I would hear you say something like that." And that is quite true. I am in all actuality a different person than I was a year ago today. God amazes me, I will say that. I thought for a very, very long time that I was completely hopeless. Now hope is my lifeline. I should have that tattooed somewhere.....I wonder where I could put that. Hmmm, maybe a Chinese symbol for hope or something......

Anyway, I am a bit of a mess right now and I think because I've been in such bad places, emotionally speaking, that it is hard for me to really look into what is going on because I want to blow it off as not being that big of a deal. I know better though. It is a big deal and if I ignore it then I will simply progress(or the opposite thereof) to a place where the mess is much bigger.

I feel like I'm talking in circles again.

I am once again without a life group. I can't go into all the details as they involve others but there was an issue....an indiscretion, not involving me but it affected the entire group. So, there are four people directly affected who have been asked to find new life groups and while I am not one of them, my connection to that group is one of them. This sounds strange but just know that it was probably the best decision for most involved, as far as those four no longer being a part. Anyway....I think I'm done with life groups for now. I'm not being defeated about it I just don't really fit in any of the groups we currently have so I'm going to just wait and see what new ones pop up.

We have a new woman's group at my church on Saturday mornings.....at 8 am. While that morning thing is a huge issue, I still really want to be a part of it. So, while it was still dark outside this past Saturday, I got my rear out of bed and went, and I liked it, a lot. I talked....without being called on. I actually volunteered information in a room of 38 women including the woman you will remember from life group number one. It was crazy. So I guess there will be no more sleeping in for me. It's being called a 'life transformation' group....who wouldn't want to be a part. :)

Here's why I'm pretty much a mess. Firstly, because everything in my life still seems to revolve around extremes. I eat everything or eat nothing. I spend way too much until I can't pay my bills, then in an effort to recover I spend nothing extra which causes me to panic so I go spend too much again. If I'm going to date we're going to sleep together....so I have given up on dating, it's been over a year now. These are not healthy behaviors for anyone who may be wondering, though I have no idea why I do them or how to fix them. But as I saw my paycheck for this week and my heart sank as I tried to figure out how on earth I will pay last months bills plus this months bills when there isn't even enough for one of the two.....well let's just say I am beginning to see that my life is becoming unmanageable. But how do I fix it if I don't even know why I do it....yeah I don't know either.

And then there's my mom.............I don't even know where to start. Did I mention she had been in the hospital for a couple of months back in May and June? I can't remember so I'll go check, please hold

****Insert cheesy elevator music here****

I did mention it. So you already know that. Well, we had two unpleasant visits and I haven't seen or spoken to her since the last one, in June. The first visit she was talking about my brother and that his wife was seeking a divorce and full custody of the baby. My response was that at least that way we would know that she(the baby) would be safe from him. To which she replied, "That's just it, Stephanie, I don't think he did it." So, all that progress we had made, the conversations where she had said she had believed my sisters and I and simply didn't know what to do, the ones where she had so sincerely apologized......that was all crap. So during the second visit when she told me she wished I wouldn't take diet pills I told her I didn't care. Not rudely, just matter of fact. I simply didn't care one way or the other what her opinion was on the matter. She couldn't believe that and let me know that she cares about what I think on everything. :) (Can you see how well this conversation was going?) So I told her I didn't believe her and she got offended and said "So you think I just lie to you?" I said that I think she has a habit of telling people what she thinks they want to hear in any given situation.

Then I stopped. And I told her that is exactly why I didn't like to go and see her. Because all we do is argue. She said she didn't know what she could say to me since I think everything she says is a lie....no manipulation there. So I told her good bye and walked out. THE END.

She let my sister know the other day that her son was a mistake and a sin(he's five and was conceived outside of marriage) and also reminded her that God is, in fact, a punishing God.

It's hard to understand why my brain is so screwy, isn't it. ;)

Nothing Really

2007-09-23T23:22:00.001-05:00

It occurs to me this evening that there is not another soul in this world that I would be ok with falling apart in front of.

That's sad.

Ok, Finally, I'm Updated

2007-09-18T23:14:00.000-05:00

Well.....it seems like there just isn't enough time in the day anymore. I planned all afternoon on doing this, but there was always something else to get done. So here we are, 11:15, and I am just starting. I will, one day, go to bed at a decent hour. It seems that it doesn't matter what I do, nap or no nap, I can't get my body in bed before midnight, which of course means that I am NEVER on time to work. Details.....

Alright, update on me, hmmm. Where did we leave off. I have no idea. I should have read that first. My bad. Let's see. I am going to a new life group. Have been for about a month and a half now. I like it, like the people, like the way it's done. I feel a little out of place seeing as how there are about seven married couples and me. But what do you do. Other than that one fact I really am enjoying it and I at least see the possibility for some quality friendships there, so I suppose it's worth the bit of discomfort I experience.

My Sunday morning group has been going through "Search for Significance" which to me is a little....well I guess it's just too familiar to me. I don't live it very well, by any stretch of the imagination. I think it is hard, though, to make things so known somehow become real and new. Maybe I don't know what I'm talking about. I think what I am trying to say is that it is hard for me to really get inside myself and apply those truths because I probably, on some unconscious level, tucked them away as 'too good to be true' when I first learned them fifteen years ago.

Anyway, I am also doing a group study on Wednesdays called "Every Woman's Battle." Whether your married or single, that is a darn good book and I encourage you to read it and do the study. I am doing it with ladies from another church and I am hoping that when we finish our Sunday morning study that we can do this one together. I think I would get more out of it in that setting as I'm comfortable with these ladies and the group is a lot smaller. And so far what I've shared with each of them from this study, I think we will all benefit from doing it.

Well, like I mentioned, baseball has started again, which I know you know excites me to no end. I don't know what it is, but I absolutely love watching those kiddos play. Fall ball is a really short season, only about a month to go, but it keeps me going till the spring. :)

Work is work, as usual, I still don't date so there's nothing there. I could probably get into the whole mother deal but I think that will best be served as a blog of it's own.

Oh yeah, and my mattresses are crap. :) I ordered new ones almost three weeks ago and they STILL aren't here. I am starting to get annoyed. It got to the point that I could barely stand up in the morning, so I have been sleeping on the couch since the end of August. I can't wait until the new ones come.

And I'm on a diet. Which bites. I have lost 25 pounds so far, that's good. But I really hate eating food that isn't bad for me. It just isn't any fun at all. And seriously, doing this for fifty more pounds may just kill me.

Personally speaking, I'm in a strange place. Not bad at all, but not necessarily good. I think I am quite detached to be perfectly honest. It's like if something happens in my life that I don't want to deal with, well, I just don't. I just set it aside and keep right on moving. It's like the cabinet in your kitchen where you throw all the mail. Or that one closet where everything gets shoved. I think that's what my insides look like. I have a new favorite show, Saving Grace. I think that the way that woman is on the outside, I wonder if perhaps that's me on the inside. Ok too deep.

I guess that will do for now. Surely that is more than enough knowledge on the drivel that makes up my day to day. That sounds bad, it isn't. The plain, the uneventful, I am actually liking that right now. More to come soon!!

Update

2007-09-13T23:06:00.001-05:00

Ok, update coming soon, I promise!! I just used that title to make you read this. :) Seriously though, soon. You know how I was going to blog more because baseball was finally over....well, fall ball started last week. OOPS! Soon, really.

The Way She Feels

2007-07-24T21:14:00.001-05:00

The video up there is a song by "Between the Trees." While possibly a bit disturbing to some, it is not only a beautiful song, but also an all to realistic one today. The organization where I found this video amazes me. I'm thankful that things like this are beginning to evolve as I know how necessary they are. My hope is that my scars may one day be the key to another's healing. I got new tattoos on my wrists a couple of months ago. Strange to some, I know. I, however, had a specific purpose in mind. I wish that you could read them better, but getting a good picture of a wrist indoors on a camera phone is apparently not that simple. Anyway, I put 'mercy' on my scarred arm as a reminder and testimony of all that I do actually deserve that God's mercy has saved me from. I put 'grace' on my arm that is scar free to show the clean slate that Christ's grace has given me despite how very little I deserve it. Simple, yes, the gospel laid out on my arms, yes. So, call me crazy, I thought it was a good idea. :)

"We're called to hold our hands against the wounds of a broken world, to stop the bleeding." Don Miller

Lot's of Time, Little To Say

2007-07-22T16:27:00.000-05:00

So this is what I've been doing almost nonstop since April. Going to Baseball. These pictures are from Brayton's Allstar team(yes, he is the one on the far left sticking his hip out like he's something sassy!) I'm sad that he is, after three and a half years, done with T-Ball. I love coach pitch though, so I guess I will live.

I am learning that it is very hard to get back into the habit of blogging. After doing it near daily for a year, this long hiatus has all but removed it from my consciousness completely. Where to begin. I just finished up my Thursday night class and the Beth Moore study I was doing on Sunday. The girls I meet with Sunday mornings and I will be starting a new study the first week of August. My schedule has gone from serious overdrive to near nothing in a weeks time. I don't know what is going to happen with my life group yet. I have been cleared to go ahead and find a new group, but the thought of that makes me so sad. Not to mention the fact that I do have to let the current leader know that I am leaving and why.....hello, I don't do confrontation.

So, really that is about all that is happening at the current. It is July which means birthday month. Six of the twelve kiddos are July babies. But this year we got smart and had their party on July 4th so that we just had to worry about the one get together! My mother has been in a rehab hospital for the past two months. She is on an experimental new drug that they hope will reverse some of the nerve damage to give her some mobility. However, after two months she can only move her feet a little, so I am not sure how promising this treatment looks to be. My last two visits have not been great for our relationship, so as is my norm, I am avoiding thinking about it.

Sadly that is all I've got. Not much excitement in three months. Sorry. :)

Neglected

2007-07-13T09:55:00.000-05:00

My blog has been seriously neglected, sorry. The good/bad news is baseball is finally, as of last night, over for the season. Brayton ended up fifth in the region. We were really hoping to be in the top three so we could go to state but it just didn't happen for us. Oh well, maybe next year.

So, point is, hopefully I will have at least a little more time to devote to catching up the blogosphere. :)

What's Up

2007-06-25T22:46:00.000-05:00

I'm not dead, just in case any one wondered!! Just worn out is all. Lots of baseball, same struggles at church, I'm just tired. I will catch you up when I am not so ready for bed. :)

So You Had A Bad Day

2007-06-02T01:10:00.001-05:00

My tire tracks are crossed because we were spinning at this point.

This is my not so pretty bruise.

And this is my totalled car, with a whole 9,000 miles on it.

What a day. All things considered though, we are quite lucky. Had I not turned the wheels when I saw the truck plowing toward us it would have hit Blayne dead on and I am not wanting to imagine the damage that would have been done. Also, it hit us right in the gas tank, so things definitely could have been uglier. Brayton and Blayne were both with me and they are both ok. Brayton spent the evening in the E.R. getting checked out because he was having a lot of pain from the seatbelt, but after a ton of tests, it is sure that he is alright. They both have baseball tournaments all weekend that we are now praying will be rained out. I don't think any of us will be moving very well come tomorrow. The soreness will be strong, I'm afraid. But, again, we are alive and for the most part fine, and insurance will take care of the car. Oh yeah, I had a wreck, big box truck ran through a stop sign. I probably should have lead with that. ;)

Hmmmm

2007-05-15T22:02:00.000-05:00

My new niece, whose name I'm unsure of, whose future I'm even less sure of. Ambivalence is running rampant through my mind.

Holy Holy Holy

2007-05-06T19:18:00.000-05:00

Church was amazing today. I knew we were singing this song because I get to church at dark thirty so I heard the worship band warming up. I love this song. It's beautiful. I didn't really expect to be in tears within fifteen seconds of it starting, though. It wasn't a sad cry, at all. It was a cry of thankfulness, amazement, awe and wonder. I can't believe He loves me. I mean I believe it, it just overwhelms me sometimes. That the God of everything, the Lord Almighty Himself didn't just decide not to let me rot in my own sin. He didn't just find a way for me to be forgiven and stop there. He doesn't just want me not to die, He wants me to walk with Him, to talk to Him, to love Him, to rest in His love for me. When it got to the line about Heaven's mercy seat I just lost it. That He would pour out His mercy on one such as me, that's almost too much. It's more than my brain can take in. I heard another song this week that had a line that resonated with me. It said "God's justice saw all that I had done, but His mercy sees me through His Son." I might be paraphrasing a tad, but you get the gist of it.

My prayers seem, to me, to have changed a lot over the past several months. I used to pray for God to fix me, to make me feel better, to take the pain away, to forgive my enormous debt. Now, I seem to pray for His grace and compassion to fill me so completely that it is all the world can see when they look at me. I so want to pour myself out completely so that all that is left is the mercy of Christ raining down on whomever I come in contact with. I want my life to be an unmistakable testimony of His miraculous healing. All glory to the Father that gave His only Son so He could have His daughter!

Revelation Song

by kari jobe

Worthy is the, Lamb who was slain
Holy, Holy, is He
Sing a new song, to him who sits on
Heaven’s mercy seat

Holy, Holy, Holy
Is the Lord God Almighty
Who was, and is, and is to come
With all creation I sing
Praise to the King of Kings
You are my everything
And I will adore You

Clothed in rainbows, of living color
Flashes of lightning, rolls of thunder
Blessing and honor, strength and glory and power be
to You the only wise King

Holy, Holy, Holy
Is the Lord God Almighty
Who was, and is, and is to come
With all creation I sing
Praise to the King of Kings
You are my everything
And I will adore You

Filled with wonder, awestruck wonder
At the mention of your name
Jesus your name is power
Breath, and living water
Such a marvelous mystery

Holy, Holy, Holy
Is the Lord God Almighty
Who was, and is, and is to come, yeah
With all creation I sing
Praise to the King of Kings
You are my everything
And I will adore You

Tornado Alley

2007-05-03T09:24:00.000-05:00

OK, this picture I did actually take, about five minutes before the electricity shut off.....for five hours. It was great fun and, admittedly, there was a little time spent under a blanket on the bathroom floor. Luckily there was no severe damage at my house, just a leaning rose bush. My sister and her neighbor lost some roof and several big cedar trees. All in all, everyone is safe and sound so what is there to complain about. For some reason I feel like we are having many more tornadoes than is customary for us, but maybe I have just forgotten.

Have a great day!

Baseball Madness

2007-04-30T22:11:00.000-05:00

I love baseball. Seriously, I love it. I'm not sure why since there really isn't all that much to it. I mean, you whack a ball with a stick and then run in a circle. Yet, I adore it. I've learned, however, that baseball season turns my life into rushed chaos. I'm actually having to cut down on t.v. time....do you know how much that hurts. I don't get around to watching Thursday's shows until Sunday. It's crazy. On weeks like this one, where I have five days of work for each of my two groups at church, my regular 8ish to 5ish job, and 8 baseball games, well it's just complete madness.

Blayne played in his first ever Select ball game on Sunday. He did so well and I was beaming with pride. I was really worried about the pressure because Blayne isn't real into pushing himself. He's laid back and quite alright with just gliding through. Perfectionist, he is not. When it came to crunch time though, he was an all star. In the last inning we were down by one. Blayne was up to bat with two outs. He got two strikes and then hit two fouls. Can you say PRESSURE. But the coach called time, gave him a little pep talk to take the edge off and up he went. He knocked it into left field and got the tying score home. That put us into overtime. In this league they load the bases and start you with one out in overtime innings. The other team scored one and then we were up. The first kid hit a single and brought in the tying run and then came the second batter. That nine year old child knocked the ball over the dang fence. It was astounding. Tonight Brayton played, he's six. He knocked in one triple, a homer, and two grand slams. My nephews are cool!

OK, enough baseball.....for now. I have to go get something done with my homework because Thursday will be here before I know it. :)

Random Junk

2007-04-24T21:58:00.000-05:00

Alright, so I don't really have much to say. I figured, though, that you wouldn't mind meaningless chatter. :) We are storm tracking again tonight (by we, I mean me and the t.v.) Thunderstorms, tornado warnings, etc. etc. I think it's exciting, so long as they don't come too close. It's funny to me sometimes how I behave in these situations. I'm scared of tornadoes, of course, but when I hear the sirens start blaring, my first reaction is always to run outside and look around. Sometimes I wonder about me.

Baseball season is in full swing(pun intended.) I was supposed to be at a 6 o'clock game in Cleburne and then an 8 o'clock game in Midlothian, but lucky for my gas tank they were rained out. Blayne was asked to try out for a select team to play as a fill in until his rec team finishes the season and then he'll go 'full time' with them. Tonight was the first try out and since it was indoors, I went. Can I just say that I love that when he found out they'd asked him the first thing he wanted to do was call and tell me....I love that. He did great fielding the ball and especially in his hitting. His pitching, however, not so much. In his last couple of games he has been fantastic, but I think the pressure got to him tonight. He had a coach behind him, one out in front and about twenty people standing outside the net just staring at him as he tried to pitch. I couldn't do it with no one watching, so I'm not sure how those kids manage. He's left handed, so if he can develop his pitch, college scholarships are a real possibility. Ok, I know you probably don't care all that much about 9 year old baseball.

I am going to another taping of Beth Moore tomorrow. Can't wait. Don't be jealous, it isn't becoming. I am so looking forward to it. I am praying. It's gonna be great!

Did I mention my Sunday morning study is going very well? I think it very odd that I'm leading a ladies Bible study, but here I am doing just that. I am fearful each week that I will go in, sound like a dork and no one will speak. So far, however, there has been no lull in conversation. It's really been good. I help them, they help me, it's really weird, in a good way. I have been wondering, sometimes out loud, why my church doesn't have a women's ministry. Every time I mention it whomever I'm speaking with asks why I don't start it. Well, I think I'll quit mentioning it. ;) Ok, I'm done. Nighty night.

From The Ashes

2007-04-18T23:02:00.000-05:00

Well, I was looking for the last song to add to my playlist...they didn't have it....I found this one and like it even better.

"From The Ashes"

My right hand holds matches,
my left holds my past,
I hope the wind catches,
and burns it down fast,
I'm gonna step into the fire,
with my failures and my shame,
and wave good-bye to yesterday,
as I dance among the flames,

so don't try to save me now,
let the walls of my world all burn down,
just stand back and wait till the smoke finally passes,
and I will rise,
from the ashes,
from the ashes,
from the ashes,

for all that I'm losing, much more will i gain,
the hard part is choosing,
to change what needs changed,
and my step will be much lighter,
with these demons off my chest,
I'm born a better spirit,
and lay the old to rest

so don't try to save me now,
let the walls of my world all burn down,
just stand back and wait till the smoke finally passes,
and i will rise
from the ashes,
from the ashes,
from the ashes,

and I'll walk away stronger,
I will be flyin,
higher and truer
than I've flown before,

my right hand holds matches,
my left holds my past,
i hope the wind catches,
and burns it down fast.

Isaiah 61:3
And provide for those who grieve in Zion— to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor.

Anyway

2007-04-18T22:45:00.000-05:00

Martina McBride sang a song tonight on American Idol that I loved. Thought you might love it too!

"Anyway"
You can spend your whole life building something from nothing
One storm can come and blow it all away
Build it anyway
You can chase a dream that seems so out of reach and you know it might not ever come your way
Dream it anyway

Chorus:
God is great, but sometimes life ain't good
And when I pray it doesn't always turn out like I think it should
But I do it anyway, I do it anyway

This world's gone crazy and it's hard to believe that tomorrow will be better than today
Believe it anyway
You can love someone with all your heart, for all the right reasons, and in a moment they can choose to walk away
Love 'em anyway

God is great, but sometimes life ain't good
And when I pray it doesn't always turn out like I think it should
But I do it anyway, I do it anyway

You can pour your soul out singing a song you believe in that tomorrow they'll forget you ever sang
Sing it anyway, sing it anyway

I sing, I dream, I love, anyway

How Can You Not Know?

2007-04-13T21:59:00.000-05:00

This is what the evening consisted of here in Texas, scary, destructive weather.

But, how do you look at a picture like that, tornado or not, and not be fully aware of the realness of God?

And, of course the chaos was followed by the ever recognizable picture of His unending faithfulness.

(Don't worry, crazy people took these pictures, I was the one cowering in the bathroom!)

At Bat

2007-04-13T07:47:00.000-05:00

I'm afraid he got a little too much tee and not quite enough ball on this one!

Busy Weekend

2007-04-09T20:41:00.000-05:00

Easter was busy but wonderful! Our service at church was amazing. My pastor quoted S.M. Lockridge's sermon "That's My King," the worship team sang "He Is" and this guy was there and is fantastic! Then I had lunch with some friends and then it was off to my sisters for some chaotic and chilly egg hunting. Twelve children in one house is just frightening. They had a blast, though, and at least it wasn't snowing like the day before!!

We went to the Ranger's opening day on Friday and I am most happy to report that they actually won!! Good times were had by all.

So, except for the seven kids I took to the hunt at my church on Saturday, in the pouring snow, that is about all for my weekend. (Don't worry, the hunt was moved into the gym) Who knew it could snow, in Texas, in April??? Well, it can and it did, big time!

Oh, and I almost forgot, but not quite....Baseball season has begun!!!! I am one happy baseball aunt. :)

The Shadow of His Cross

2007-04-05T22:52:00.000-05:00

I just watched this video and, well, I loved it. These will be my two new, very specific prayers. First, that the cross will become dearer and dearer to me. That I will learn to look at each and every situation in my life through the shadow of His cross. Second, for His resurrection power to manifest in this relationship that is all but dead. I pray that He will continue to renew my mind until all I can focus on is His ever-present grace and mercy that course through every vein of my life. That I will, in reality, adopt the attitude of Christ Jesus. (Phil. 2:5) That I will remember that He didn't walk away from me just because I doubted Him, questioned Him, distrusted Him, betrayed Him. I ache for His presence, for His love and compassion, to envelop me then flow out onto every person I come into contact with. High and lofty goals, however, not too high for Him.

Ephesians 1:19-20

19 and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, 20 which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms.

The Irony of it All

2007-04-02T20:43:00.000-05:00

In my blog Saturday night I mentioned how excited I was to see where God would take me on this journey in the Believing God study. Remember? Well, I show up to class Sunday morning talking about how much I'm loving it. So, my friend, who leads our group, says how about I facilitate the study and hands me the leader's guide. What???? I have to laugh at the irony. Who would believe it. A month ago I wouldn't have fathomed that God would even consider using me to lead other women through a Bible study. But the real irony is the study. Me, facilitating a study entitled "BELIEVING GOD." That's good stuff.

Camo Girls

2007-04-01T08:35:00.000-05:00

This picture cracked me up so much that I had to share it! I am late, gotta get to church.

My New Ride

2007-03-31T23:46:00.000-05:00

So, this is my new work truck. I wish I had a picture of the old S10 so you could really see what an upgrade this is. I am not the least bit sad! Considering it's a free car that I can drive not only during work, but any other time I want, well, not a bad deal. I said thank you, several times, to my boss!

My small group on Sunday mornings started "Believing God" by Beth Moore this week. I am really excited. This weeks lessons were great and I truly can not wait to see where God will take me through the course of this study. Sometimes as I am writing answers in the book I have to stop for a second and think, 'Did I really write that?' I am wholeheartedly astounded at the work God is doing in me. I don't think I ever thought it really possible. I know I didn't believe it possible. Even what I hoped He would do doesn't compare to what He is doing. I love this.

Birthdays, Flowers, and Growing Up

2007-03-28T22:53:00.000-05:00

BryAnn and BretLynn celebrated the big number 5 yesterday and they adored their ice cream sundaes!!

My first beautiful rose of spring. Can I just say how proud I am that I didn't kill it over the winter!!

Life Group was really good tonight. I can tell you that when I walked in and saw that one of the folks I know was conferred with before this whole situation went down was there, well I wasn't thrilled. I thought, 'Oh great, two people judging every word that comes out of my mouth.' But then there I went again, doing the judging myself, so I prayed again that His grace and mercy would consume me and be all that could flow out. And as always, He was so abundantly faithful. There were several times tonight that as I spoke His Spirit was just so overwhelming that I couldn't help but tear up. I am so grateful for His faithfulness that has so relentlessly kept me in the palm of His hand, especially when I was doing everything in my power to pull myself out of it.

One of the questions asked of us tonight was this. "What is a gift God has given you and how can you use it in the body of Christ?" Something like that anyway. My answer, though odd to me, is my past. It's twisted and painful and dirty and sordid. It is also full of a plethora of experiences that give me the ability to identify with innumerable people.

2 Corinthians 1:4 Who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.

So that is my answer, I'm grateful, even those things that I am just beginning to deal with that still ache in the core of my being, even those things, I am grateful. I am thankful because as much as I hate my own pain, my heart aches with the pain of others. I can't see a person cry and it not leave me in tears. I am affected greatly by those who hurt so thank God that He has allowed me the opportunity to experience His comfort and compassion so that I can share it with all who cross my path.

You know, I have been considering lately the role of God in my life. I mean from day one. As I look back at that little girl who, for a long time, only found solace in church. Who sat on the front row even if the rest of the family was ten rows back. Who, at seven, was singing in the adult choir because there wasn't one for children. Who cried when we couldn't go to church because dad was at work and there was only one car. Who couldn't wait to make her first communion because she thought it would get her closer to God. Who would walk through the streets of the neighborhood singing church hymns. I believe God has been drawing me in since day one. I grew up in a home that was nowhere near Christian. We went to church because my mother believed it would lead to hell for her if we didn't. But I have always, somehow, known that God was about relationship. And I am so grateful that though He knew it would take me 31 years to really get it, He loved me enough to keep after me the whole way. It's as though He took hold of my hand and no matter how hard, how diligently, how desperately I tried to break free of His grasp, He was holding on for dear life, my dear life, and He was, no, is never letting go.

Sunsets

2007-03-26T18:44:00.000-05:00

Pretty sunset, huh?

So, I'm having some confusion in my brain these days. I know that is new and shocking for anyone who reads this blog, but there it is just the same. ;) The good news is, it is new confusion, I imagine that is just another part of this process called life. Once you get something figured out it is time to move on to the next area that will boggle your mind.

Here it is, what do I do with this friendship now? I don't know what to do with it, where to go, walk away altogether, I just don't know. Somehow I don't feel like it is right to hug on Wednesday's and Sunday's, listen to the customary "I love you," then go our separate ways. That feels so shallow and trite to me. Fake even. I don't harbor ill feelings toward her, though I have to give my thoughts over to God innumerable times each day in order that my heart might stay resentment free. I have found that my normal tendency is to sink into that bitterness with full force simply to protect myself from further harm. But I have been diligently asking the Father to protect my heart from that very thing.

Problem is, I have nowhere to go with the friendship. There is no foundation. The depth and closeness that I thought were there must have been in my own mind. I say that because for her to know as little of my heart as she now seems to know, any depth we had must have been one sided. So, we could start from scratch except that she still feels as though she is right. Which would be fine if the problem were about what shoes go with which outfit, but it is instead about the condition of my heart. It doesn't matter that I know she is wrong, it matters that we have nothing to build a friendship on. Even in my darkest days, God was a part of my life. I have never had a friendship that God was not a part of....why would I want to? Thus, I don't know how I can have a meaningful relationship with someone who doubts me to the core.

Yet, I hear sermons on friendship, on being a peacemaker, on building bridges in broken relationships, so I am left wondering what the right thing to do is. I don't know what would honor God here. I don't know what He would have me do. As of now, I still go to Life Group at her house. Each week, though, is a huge battle in my mind because I can't help but feel her rolling her eyes when I say something, wondering who else she has shared her feelings with, wondering if her husband, the leader of the group, believes about me as she does. I know for a fact that is not of God. So again, I beseech God to allow me just to rest in His grace and remember that He alone knows my heart. But, let me tell you, that is HARD.

Point to the story, I have no idea what to do.

Couch Wrestling

2007-03-19T19:10:00.000-05:00

At first we loved chillin' on the couch...but then....

The kicking started and it wasn't so much fun anymore!

All in all I had a pretty uneventful babysitting adventure. Little miss Sara was not really into sleeping, unless of course she was laying on her tummy, on my tummy. This did not make for peaceful sleeping for Aunt Steffie. I fell asleep at six last night and didn't get back up until after seven this morning...I was worn out, to say the least. I wish I had pictures of them in their church outfits, but apparently my lack of sleep affected my judgement so much so that I forgot how to work my camera. Oh well, imagine really pretty babies in precious plaid dresses with huge pink bows, see, you get the picture. Sadly, I think I am almost ready to go back to sleep!

My Jesus

2007-03-13T21:23:00.000-05:00

I am now a bonafide pianist.....o.k. slight exaggeration. Really, I can now play two songs. "The Swing" that I learned in the eighth grade and "Jesus Loves Me" that I learned this past Sunday. But that is a great start if I do say so myself. ;)

So, about the video up there. If you have never heard Todd Agnew's "My Jesus" you definitely need to click play. Really, even if you have heard it before you should go ahead and listen again, it is that good. I am kind of in the middle of a process with God right now where I have just asked Him to reveal to me more of who His Son is, was, well, both. I guess that really sounds so elementary for someone who has been in church in some form or fashion since birth. I just think that I learned the basics and then stepped away. Ok that sounds weird. I think that my focus stays on God and off of Jesus more often than not. Not that I don't know the fundamentals. I know that He is God's son, the Word made flesh. I know that He was born of a virgin, suffered and died for my sins, rose again three days later and now sits at God's right hand. I get that. I have confessed with my mouth that Jesus is Lord, I believe in my heart that God raised Him from the dead. Doctrinally, as far as basics go, I'm sound.

But, I want Jesus to be my best friend, literally. And, to be quite frank, I think I have some misconceptions in my heart and mind that cause me to distance myself a little from Him. I understand the concept of the Trinity, so I know that when talking to God, seeking Him, loving Him, I am doing the same with Jesus. But, I never cry out to Jesus, Himself. I think I minimize some things out of a lack of understanding, and I don't want to do that anymore. How can I lead others to Him if I second guess aspects of His sacrifice in my heart. Ok, I may not be making much sense to anyone but me, just know that this is where I am and this is where my walk is. I am asking God to help me understand more about who Jesus was when He walked this earth, what He went through and how that should effect me on a daily basis. Get it?

So, anyway, that is where this song came from. Well, not really. It came from Todd Agnew. It came on the radio in the midst of my chaos last Tuesday and I just lost it driving down the road. I went and bought the cd that night and have been listening to it ever since. I feel like I am being a bit evasive about this, which is not like me on here, but I have recently learned that people can and will use your beliefs, false or not, against you if they so choose. So, forgive my hesitance, I'll work on it.

I Will Be A Piano Player After All

2007-03-10T23:41:00.000-06:00

After many, many years of asking friends who knew how to play piano to teach me, I finally found someone willing to do so!! My first lesson is tomorrow at four and I am so stoked. A little embarrassed because, well, I'm no good yet....but I will be some day. ;)

I did have the conversation I had planned with my friend on Thursday. It went well, really. I believe God orchestrated it and controlled the direction of it. I know that our friendship will never be what it was, but I also know that God knows best. As time has progressed I have heard more and more of how this whole event unfolded, people she talked to, got advice from...in my opinion, tried to form alliances with, and I am undoubtedly hurt. I feel judged and betrayed for sure. But I am so aware of God's hand on my heart through the whole ordeal so I can be sad, I can grieve the loss, even admit to God my anger, and in spite of all of those feelings, I am still so grateful that it happened. I am more pleased with where my walk has gone than I am sad about what my heart had to go through....if that makes any sense.

I am reminding myself that those who would hurt me, judge me, betray me, whatever, they are just as human as I am. I'd like to think I wouldn't do the same thing to someone else, but it doesn't matter. Even if that isn't the sin I partake of, there are plenty others that I succumb to daily. So, all that to say, I am astoundingly well, all things considered, and I cling to the truth that God is good.

Details

2007-03-09T09:11:00.000-06:00

So, this is the page on my desktop calender for today. I think it couldn't be a more perfect fit to appear on my birthday. I love that God is into details!

So, About That Roller Coaster

2007-03-07T23:03:00.000-06:00

I feel at peace. I didn't know peace was possible in me. It is. I feel like God has used this situation to firm up my faith and alleviate any doubt I had that I am in fact a child of the King. I believe He carried me the entire uphill portion of this go round. I know He did because if He hadn't, I'd still be sitting in a slump, crying my eyes out on the side of the road. He gave me the assurance that He would be by my side at our life group tonight. That whatever happened, good or bad, I would not be alone. He enabled me to be real and vulnerable when the threat of attack was highly possible. He protected my heart. He enabled me to speak truth and then took that truth and backed it up with His word in an overtly tangible way. I am in complete awe.

What's more, I am thankful that this situation came up. I am grateful that He orchestrated all of it and then carried me through it. Did it hurt, absolutely. Will it continue to hurt, possibly. But I have more faith today than I ever believed I could have. And, shockingly to me, that makes it worth it to me.

I believe now that I must do my part to bring restoration to the relationship. Can I restore it, no. But I believe God is calling me to do my part because, well, that's Biblical. I will be clear that I believe, in the depths of me, that she was absolutely wrong. However, I will also thank her. Thank her for loving me enough to confront me when she believed she needed to, even if it was wrong. Because regardless of what issues in her actually caused these feelings, I know that she loves me. I believe that her motive, as far as she knew, was to lead me in the direction of Christ. Which, in a way, she did. She spurred me on to greater depth and intimacy in my walk. She pushed me into really searching out God's assurance that I am His and He came through and gave exactly what I needed. So, however wrong, however painful, even if the relationship is never restored, I thank God that He brought me to this place.

Here's my verse of the night. If you knew the whole story from tonight than it would blow you away, but I can't type that much!

Ephesians 3:20
Now glory to God! By His mighty power at work within us He is able to accomplish infinitely more than we would ever dare to ask or hope!!

Help My Unbelief

2007-03-07T00:02:00.000-06:00

Have you ever been told by a close friend that you aren't a Christian? If you haven't, let me just save you the suspense and tell you, it isn't the least bit pleasant.

A month ago she could see growth in me, now it is rationalized as 'perhaps those were just times when you were in a good mood.' Seriously??

Let me not misrepresent. What she actually said was "If someone has Jesus in them you can see it, and I can't see it in you."

I feel broken. I feel like our relationship is broken. I feel like no matter how this is resolved, our friendship can never be what it was. Why would I want it to, really? I can't fathom how someone who has walked through the past six months with me could feel that way. I can't understand why on earth she thinks God would tell her I'm not a Christian and leave me thinking I am. That isn't logical. I don't believe God is into tricking people. I don't believe He would allow me to be assured of my salvation only to have someone else reveal to me it's a fluke. But she doesn't hear that. She is convinced that the Holy Spirit has convicted her of this. I love her, though, and am not only crushed by her words, but pained at the loss of relationship.

And because I'm me and satan knows how to attack me, I wonder. I think, could she be right. What if I'm wrong. What if all this time of believing I was growing in my walk was really just in my head. What if.......but that can't be right. I have to believe that what I feel in my heart is true. That I am His child and that I am safe where I am. And then I doubt again. But you know, I believe that even the doubt is a part of my process. I believe that this roller coaster is a part of my process. I believe that I am in the middle of some devastatingly painful healing and it will be a long, hard road. I believe that even if none of my friends make it to the end of this road with me, that He has promised to never leave my side. I believe that on the really bumpy parts, like now, He is carrying me through because I just don't have the strength to walk. And then I doubt again.

Lord I believe, help my unbelief.

Good TImes

2007-03-04T22:17:00.000-06:00

Today is my wedding anniversary. Of course, I have been divorced for almost five years, but today still sucks. Wednesday, the 7th, will make nine years since the crazy man broke in my home and assaulted me. The 18th is the seven year anniversary of my miscarriage. Finally, we come to the ninth, my 31st birthday. Birthdays shouldn't really be bad. I just keep thinking, with each one that passes, that I am one year older, that much closer to the end of my life, it's flying by, and I'm still alone.

I have no idea what to do about my ailing friendships. I can't fathom just giving them up, but I also can't fathom how to fix them. As hurt as I am, how much of a friend was I, really, if I am seriously considering closing the door on the relationships after a week of struggle, not even so much as a fight.

My parents are dying.

My pedophile brother is having a daughter.

My thirty two year old sister is having a hysterectomy tomorrow.

I am seven weeks into digging up memories I buried twenty five years ago and still not sure how I will survive the details that will surface over the next several months.

I am spiraling. When I try to sleep my chest tightens and I feel like I can't breathe. When I think, all I can do is cry. I am confused and I am alone. And it sucks to be back in this place.

And She's Back

2007-02-28T21:38:00.000-06:00

Ok, can I just say how wearisome I find the roller coaster that is my life. Two days ago I was great. Today, no, not so much. Why? Who the heck knows. Maybe I sort of know. How do you remain balanced when life throws insanity at you from all directions? Family issues beyond any semblance of normalcy. My past being thrown in my face. Friendships in rocky territory. And a God I am trying so hard to trust but who just continues to confuse me greatly. I get it, I'll never understand Him, but freak it is hard to trust Him when life is so contrary to the good that I am supposed to be believing in. That's the point though, I know, trust Him in spite of what I see, but how very hard that is for me.

My brother's wife is having a girl. Why? God only knows. I feel sick about it. What do I do. Call CPS and tell them he will probably sexually abuse his child? Doubt that will fly. Wait for him to molest her? I can't live with that. Shut myself off from the situation? Completely selfish. I have no idea where to go with that.

The doctors have decided my mother's post chemo issues aren't nueropathy after all but instead Multiple Sclerosis. Have I called her even to say I'm sorry for her much less just talk? Absolutely not. Why? Because I am selfish and inconsiderate.

Am I pulling away from my friends because I am mad at them? Probably not. Probably because I am catching the first glimpses of my disappointing them, so why not run now before they have a chance to grow tired of me and walk away. It felt yesterday that I was mad. Now, I think I am just looking out for number 1. Selfish, yet again.

And then there's me. How easy it is for me to walk right back in to being me. Ok, it isn't that easy because I don't want to go where I'm heading. Yet, it is so hard to fight the fear and press on. Not to mention exhausting. Oh yeah, and did I mention I have a saviour complex? It seems as though I am a tad codependent. Turns out that is selfish too. A way to take back the power that was stolen from me so very long ago.

It will get better, right?

He Delights In Me!

2007-02-24T21:53:00.000-06:00

Psalm 18:19 "He brought me out into a spacious place;
he rescued me because he delighted in me."

I went to the Beth Moore Simulcast today and it was amazing! First off, amazing because it joined women, thousands of miles apart, in corporate worship for over five hours today. From Canada to Michigan, California to Texas, all the way down to Mexico City. That is astounding to me. Secondly, because God spoke and how can you not be floored by that?

Beth was speaking about God's deliverance, an expansion of sorts on her new book "Get Out of That Pit." Perhaps I forgot to mention it, but that is the book I have been studying with my small group on Sunday mornings. It has a study guide in the back so we read two chapters a week and answer the questions and then discuss them together on Sundays. It has been great so far so I was really excited about the simulcast.

There was so much she said today that really stirred something in me, but I think what I am really trying to let marinate is the verse I began with, Psalm 18:19. He delivers me, rescues me....whatever, not because He has to. He doesn't do it to shut me up, He doesn't do it with frustration, thinking, 'Here I go again.' He rescues me because He delights in me. How encouraging that is. Encouraging is an understatement.

I believe that my walk in Christ has made progress by leaps and bounds over the past six months. I believe, without doubt, that He is working in my life. Even things that have hung me up for years and years are beginning to be replaced with God's truth in my life...in my brain. I believe, however, that I still have great strides that must be made in transforming my heart so that it lines up with God's truth versus my ingrained lies. Is that my brain or my heart, I don't know. But it is still far removed from where I and God would like for it to be.

So, while I love that verse and all that it means, the fact of the matter is, it won't change my life, really, until it permeates my heart. Until I believe with all that is in me, that God is not disappointed in me. He isn't waiting for me to get my act together. He doesn't wish I could do this better or that not at all. He didn't save me because He's God, thus love, thus had a responsibility to His own character to do so. He rescues me because He delights in me. So far, all I know to do in order to make myself believe that is to just keep reminding myself that it's true and consistently reminding God that I simply can't do it alone...not because He forgets, mind you, but because I so often do. If there is some other way, I'd love to know it, but I'm not sure there is. I guess the fact that I realize this, that I am willing to do this, and that I am believing there is a point to it....well, that's growth. And I'm convinced, or at least keep trying to convince myself, that as long as I am in the process, He is pleased with me.

Whew

2007-02-19T17:36:00.000-06:00

You will all be relieved to know that it wasn't necessarily a psycho. Apparently one of my neighbors may have just been on the same frequency as me so whatever they did to their DVR actually ended up on mine. Whew, Grey's Anatomy is safe once again!

Satellite Psycho

2007-02-19T09:28:00.000-06:00

The weekend is over. While this saddens me greatly, at least it was a good weekend. A busy weekend, but a good one. I'm wishing I were still in bed asleep instead of sitting here at work, but we don't always get what we want now do we!

I think someone is stealing satellite service through my satellite box. Sounds so 'conspiracy theoryish.' I have one box that feeds two t.v.s and both 'users' can record using the DVR. So I have all my programs set to record at the time they air and the DVR just switches from user 1 to user 2 to accommodate all the recordings. Well.....Shows are disappearing. The recordings get stopped by 'user 2' when I am nowhere near my house. And new recordings are showing up mysteriously. Including "Marie Claire," a show on the Hispanic channel all in Spanish. No, I did not set that up to record. So, as much as I hate to sound like a paranoid freak, there is definitely something fishy going on. I wouldn't care all that much except that when I got home Thursday night I selected the DVR, anxiously awaiting to see if Meredith had drown, there was no Grey's Anatomy recording. It had been stopped and though I am sure I am not an addict, I was livid.

How do you find out if you have a satellite thief?? Not a clue, maybe I should call the company. But I am sure afraid they are going to think I am a raving lunatic. Grey's is worth sacrificing my dignity, though. I must have my Grey's.

Valentines Shmalentines

2007-02-13T22:20:00.000-06:00

That's all I have to say about that!